anxiety, depression, Sleep

Midnight

It’s 12am and I’m awake. I shouldn’t be. I think my manic episodes are coming back. My brain and my body just get so focused on things at times that I wonder if I am really in control here.

Tonight, I felt the need to have a nightcap. That was 4 drinks ago. My mouth wants to inhale the contents of everything while my body wants to consume the soul of every bottle. (side note: do bottles of alcohol have souls?)

I need to go to sleep because I work in the morning. I am breaking so many of my cardinal drinking rules; and yet, here I am. It’s 12am and I’m awake.

I can’t sleep. I can’t sit still. I can’t focus on any one thing. Also, I’m 20% Scottish I guess. Ancestry DNA keeps updating and I think I just got distracted. But I might get a kilt while I’m here.

I wonder if they have small apartment cats. Like, they have outdoor cats. Do they have “I live in a small apartment but I would love to worship a cat” cat? I miss the apartment on Talbott street with the long hallway that the cats would zoom up and down. And the porch that I would sit on while watching real thunderstorms. If you have never seen it literally raining sideways, you’ve never lived in the Midwest.

I got lost. It’s midnight. I’m not on Talbott street. I don’t have cats to worship. My brain is going 100 miles an hour. I need to go to sleep. Yet, here I am.

depression, Sleep

Stressed

The other night I couldn’t sleep. My brain was busy running every angle of a scenario through my head. I didn’t have the ability to relax my brain until this was solved.

What was this critical scenario that my brain was trying to decipher? Well, I’m glad you asked. If I was sent to prison for 9 months, how would I go about choosing my alliances in order to stay safe. Obviously I couldn’t defend myself.

Would I go for the toughest guy in prison and sleep with him no matter the appearance? If so, how does one determine which guy is the toughest.

Would I hold out for a really tough guy that might also be at least a bit attractive? This could make it a bit easier to deal with the need to pimp myself out for protection.

And what if I chose wrong or made a bad alliance. How does one recover from that. What if the toughest guy is a Nazi or White Supremacist. Are morals allowed in prison?

These are the kinds of things that keep me up all night and make it difficult to focus during the day. Depression isn’t just sadness or issues with emotions. Depression twists your subconscious into such tight knots that it can take your conscious brain ages to undo it.

Depression sucks.

depression, Motivation, Sleep, Uncategorized

Energy

I don’t have the energy that I used to. It’s not because I’m older, although I’m sure that plays a part. It’s not because I’m lazy. I am just exhausted. I think the medication is making me tired, as well as the depression itself.

This frustrates me because as I sit in my new(ish) job, I am gaining weight. I want to join a gym to knock off at least a few of the pounds, but I need to save my energy for more important things like grocery shopping, cooking and the like.

My doctor put me on yet another medication. This should kick-start the other medication into controlling my depression better. We’ll see I guess. So far it has helped my focus, but not my energy level. Every three to four hours I start yawning considerably and I feel like I could fall asleep standing up. I actually fell asleep on the bus home, which I do not like doing.

Caffeine helps, but too much puts me to sleep as well. That is one of the weird quirks with my body. I have never heard of anyone that gets sleepy from too much caffeine. Maybe I overdid it when I was younger and trying to finish one more level on whatever game it was that I was playing, keeping myself up all night with Jolt cola.

Who knows. I know that I am tired.

anxiety, depression, Sleep

Drugs

I don’t understand medication. If I have a headache, I take aspirin or Motrin and it goes away. Or I have a glass of Coke. These are consistent. If I have a rash, I use an ointment. It goes away. When my eyes are dry and itchy, I use the same eye drops and they feel better.

After 6 months of having great success with my current anti-depressant, I started to feel not quite as good. Each week the medication seemed to be less and less effective. This week, I finally bit the bullet and called my doctor to see about getting a new medication.

Getting out of bed in the morning is getting harder and harder. Some days it takes me two to three hours to finally get up. When I lay down, my heart races and my mind goes wild thinking about everything in the universe that could go wrong, that needs to be done, or that I messed up. It takes a couple of hours to finally fall asleep, but then I only stay asleep for a few hours at a time. I was exhausted all week with barely any sleep.

So now I get to start a new med with fun new side effects and see what behaviors pop out of me. Why can’t anti-depressants be like aspirin and just freaking work?

depression, Sleep

Sleep

Sleep is a two-headed monster for me. If I don’t get enough sleep, I get irritable and my anxiety kicks up a notch; however, if I get too much sleep, my depression often tries to keep me under the blankets.

I typically aim for about 8 hours a night and hope for at least 7 hours. I recently purchased a new pillow that is fantastic and has been helping me to stay asleep through the night. I have been debating on taking melanin, but I just don’t like taking pills if I don’t have to (which is why it took 20+ years for me to finally get on antidepressants again)

We do have a sound machine (white noise) during the cooler months. When it is hot out, we have the window unit air conditioner. Those also help. I even have the fabulous eye mask to sleep with so Jason doesn’t wake me up with his phone light.