Depression can be tricky, but there are days that Loki has nothing on the monster in my head. Some days my depression convinces me that taking my medications is too much work. I should just keep reading my book, playing my game, watching my show, or whatnot. Anything but getting up and going to take my medications. I mean, they don’t really work anyway, right?
On a side note, I keep trying to find a name for my depression. Saying MDD, or major depressive disorder seems to clinical. Saying depression seems like I’m sad or a white girl that can’t get a PSL. I wonder. Is it a monster? A beast? Should I find a name like George? Do you have a name for your depression?
I find myself getting stuck inside of my head more often. Whether I am working or playing a game on my phone or watching a show, my mind is often somewhere else. My depression does a pretty good job of distracting me like a close friend at a holiday party distracting me from the shots table. Or the host.
I spend most of my day alone because I am currently telecommuting. I chat; I text; I email; I whatnot. These things do not put me or keep me outside of my comfort zone. I need the rush of anxiety when I go to the busy city. I need the loud bar or club with people all around (as long as they aren’t touching me). I need the bass vibrating my chest like a pulse gone wild. I need connections, but I don’t have the energy or the strength to keep them.
Depression is an awful thing. When depression tricks me into not taking my antidepressants? That is just evil in disguise.