anxiety, depression

Happy

I was happy today. It was strange.

I don’t mean I was happy that it was Friday; or I was happy that the weekend was starting. I wasn’t necessarily happy about something. I was just…. happy.

It is not uncommon for me to be happy about something, but I am usually stressed while being happy about ABC or frustrated but happy the weekend is here. To be just happy, that doesn’t happy often. I actually had to look deep inside to figure out what I was feeling because it has been so long.

When you are happy and you know it, treasure it. It’s important to be happy about this or that, but it’s also important to just be happy.

anxiety, depression, Motivation

Flashback

I have these songs that freeze me in time. When I hear them again, I’m thrown back into that day. For better or worse, I’m there. These songs and moments can make me laugh or make me cry. The songs can make me dance or make me vogue.

I love music. There are songs that cause goosebumps all over my body. There’s a name for that, but that’s another time. I don’t listen to music all of the time because I can get lost in it and lose track of time. When I’m at work, this is not a good thing.

I don’t remember what I had for dinner 7 days ago but I remember the guy I had a crush on in high school when Everything I do, I do for You comes on. I remember the heartache of rejection that happened only in my mind. The course of life changing because my brain told me so.

I remember musicals that aren’t very fun, when people would sing the (loudly) in my apartment well after midnight. Those moments make me laugh and sigh because I am fond of those people but lord those same songs over and over.

When a song comes on, if you see my eyes glaze over, just know that it’s one of the songs that gives me a flashback.

anxiety, depression, emotions

Haunted

I am often haunted by the past. With some things, it’s a nearly non-stop haunt. With other things, it’s something popping up after months or even years. This is depression. This is my brain turning against me.

Sometime people ask me what prompted a post. I can’t always answer that. Sometimes it’s because I’m not in the moment anymore and the haunting is forgotten. That is why I keep this blog. I don’t need the exact details, just the feeling of those hauntings.

Other times I won’t answer what prompted the post. The goal of my blog and my posts is to give you an overview of the day in the life of someone suffering from Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). There will be times that I get specific, but I don’t need you that far into my brain. I don’t think you would like it either.

So feel free to comment and chat. If you need to ask questions, go ahead. I will answer them… maybe. It depends on where my haunting has left me.

depression

Wrong

Do you ever open up to someone and get rejected? It’s more than hard. It can terrorize you for years. Being seen as wrong is hard. You have to learn to get past that. Not everyone can understand you and your worth.

My brain doesn’t work like other people. That applies to daytime and the night. It takes a lot for me to open up. Very few people get this privilege. Most of them aren’t here.

Anxiety and depression control so many more things than my mood or happiness. My ideas of right and wrong,; my ideas of happy and sad; my ideas of sex and love; it’s all controlled. I’m different. I’m wrong.

The gay community is so very “diverse” and “open”. Anything goes. Well, as long as you fit the role. Tops are hung and bottoms are whores. That’s the story. That’s the role. Don’t try to add dimension to those roles. Don’t try to think. You’ll be wrong.

I’m wrong. I am very wrong. And it tears my heart and soul into pieces every time someone tells me.

depression, Motivation

Little

It’s the little things that are breaking me these days. I spent 10 minutes completing the prep work for a dinner meal kit only to discover the chicken was bad. It broke me. I was devastated. This should have been a minor inconvenience, but I retreated to my bedroom to escape the world.

I am not easily broken when it comes to a lot things, but sometimes my anxiety and depression work as a trojan horse that makes a small issue into life draining issue. These small setbacks can keep me from trying for days or weeks.

More often than not these days, I’m lazing about on the couch or the bed either playing video games or watching television. I don’t have the oomph to go outside and walk about. I used to walk down to the dry cleaners or CVS on the weekends. Now it’s a struggle to walk up the stairs at home.

There are a million little things that don’t bother me everyday, but it only takes one little, tiny, targeted thing to destroy my motivation. I spent years going to therapy and then taking meds to get away from that, but the quarantine has set me back years in my progress.

anxiety, depression, emotions

Axis

Most of us don’t remember the World Wars. Most of us don’t remember the concentration camps. I mean, we can’t. We give Germany a side eye for the Nazis and Hitler because that’s the appropriate thing to do.

The election in 2020 isn’t about being a liberal or a conservative. It’s not about being a Democrat or being a Republican. It’s about Axis and Allies. As a country, we have to decide if we are still going to stand up for freedom. Do we believe in the Constitution (let’s not get technical on originalist vs modern)?

I try to keep politics separate from here. My depression knows no party, no affiliation; but we are on the brink of disaster and it is destroying me. It confounds me that so many Americans hate the core values of America while proclaiming to be patriots. We are all created equal. There is nothing about keeping the Mexicans out or deporting the Blacks. There is nothing about hatred for the LGBT community.

This election is not like any election in modern US history. We have to decide whether we want to be Axis or Allies. I’m afraid that we are going to choose wrong. And if we do, gods bless us. We will need it.

(note: I will not get overly political on here. I just needed to get this out)

anxiety, depression, Sleep

Midnight

It’s 12am and I’m awake. I shouldn’t be. I think my manic episodes are coming back. My brain and my body just get so focused on things at times that I wonder if I am really in control here.

Tonight, I felt the need to have a nightcap. That was 4 drinks ago. My mouth wants to inhale the contents of everything while my body wants to consume the soul of every bottle. (side note: do bottles of alcohol have souls?)

I need to go to sleep because I work in the morning. I am breaking so many of my cardinal drinking rules; and yet, here I am. It’s 12am and I’m awake.

I can’t sleep. I can’t sit still. I can’t focus on any one thing. Also, I’m 20% Scottish I guess. Ancestry DNA keeps updating and I think I just got distracted. But I might get a kilt while I’m here.

I wonder if they have small apartment cats. Like, they have outdoor cats. Do they have “I live in a small apartment but I would love to worship a cat” cat? I miss the apartment on Talbott street with the long hallway that the cats would zoom up and down. And the porch that I would sit on while watching real thunderstorms. If you have never seen it literally raining sideways, you’ve never lived in the Midwest.

I got lost. It’s midnight. I’m not on Talbott street. I don’t have cats to worship. My brain is going 100 miles an hour. I need to go to sleep. Yet, here I am.

anxiety, depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Money

They say that money can’t buy happiness. I wonder who “they” are in this saying. I have to say that having money can make one happier.

Money can’t buy it, baby
Sex can’t buy it, baby
Drugs can’t buy it, baby
You can’t buy it, baby

I’m going to flip scrip on Ms. Lennox. I am going to reach into the heart of a boy that grew up without money; without happiness.

Money can buy it. Sex can buy it. Drugs can buy it. You can buy it.

Money can buy happiness in the sense of not stressing about how to pay rent or buy groceries. Sex can buy happiness buy providing validation to a person’s self. Drugs can buy the mental calmness that eludes oneself. You can buy all of these things for me.

But buying these won’t make me happy. Money won’t guarantee happiness. Sex won’t guarantee validation. Drugs won’t guarantee a better mind. You won’t guarantee a happier me.

There is a world of difference between can/can’t and will/won’t. That distinction is critical.

anxiety, depression, Motivation

Breathe

Sometimes my body forgets how to breathe. I don’t know why, but it does. It’s random. I will be going about my business and suddenly I can’t breathe. I don’t mean an asthma attack situation, I just can’t expand my lungs to take in a breath. My chest gets tighter as the seconds go by and a panic will start in the corner of my brain. Luckily, like a swimmer breaching the surface of a cool ocean, my lungs expand and I intake a huge breath.

I assume this has something to do with my depression or anxiety. I mean, it has to, right? I take my pills throughout the day to avoid the majority of my issues. My life is better than it has been thanks to those pills. I just… feel like something has to give.

There are side effects that I have from the medications, but they are far less damaging than the underlying issue. I wonder, though, if I can do more. There is an old phrase that says something like “Go big or go home”. I could go big and try the TMS option, but do I need to? Are the risks worth the potential reward?

I hope that my breathing keeps on going for a long time. I sometimes worry that worrying over the little things will lead me to do something crazy. Other times I worry that I am too scared to do what needs to be done. And yet, another part just likes to float along on the mimosa train, bouncing between television that I listen to, but don’t really watch, and the games on my phone.

Pieces and parts. Muscles and breathing. Mind and…

anxiety, depression, emotions

Abused

Abuse comes in many forms. Sometimes you don’t know you are being abused until much later or until someone tells you.

I recently completed a project for my new boss. I sent her an email to let her know it was finished (Covid-19 days). She sent a response that I took to mean that I completely messed up the project. I was frantic and stressed. I looked at her instructions and I look at my results and I didn’t understand. Where did I go wrong?

A few minutes later she walked by and told me how great it is to have me on her staff; how much she appreciates the work I do. I was confused again. I read her instructions again and looked over my work. Then I read her email again. And again. And again. She wasn’t criticizing me. She was expanding on a question I had. The judgement was all in my head.

Sometimes abuse leaves scars. Even when we don’t know we are being abused. Even when we can’t admit we were being abused.

I love my new environment, but I often feel like Cinderella at her home trying to be as good as her step sisters. She will never live up to that because the mental and emotional abuse she has endured has told her that the step sisters are a goal to be. In reality, Cinderella is better off without them. She’s better off once she understands that life was abusive.

I’m better off, but I still have flashbacks.