depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Brave

I am not really a people-person. I am more of a people watcher. I like observing people to see what they do or what they say. If I could have a superpower, I think it would be invisibility of some sort.

I have my moments when I need to be the center of attention, but that’s usually a one-on-one situation or a very brief lack of judgement on my part.

I was taught to follow polite society growing up. People, especially children, should be seen and not hear. Bonus points if you know where that is from. People don’t want the truth. People want happy. People want acceptance. People want to be right. I can’t give them that. I try, but I usually avoid saying anything in order to avoid saying my truth.

Now, keep in mind that I am saying “my truth”, not “the truth”. I do not claim to be right, but I am me. And I wish I could speak my truth more often. Sometimes I feel burdened by all of the thoughts and people in my head, but other times I feel more enlightened.

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Sara Bareilles

depression, emotions

Suicide

Trigger warning: this post will cover suicide and my experience with that. If this is a trigger for you, please do not continue.

Recently, someone I knew took their own life. He wasn’t a close friend by any means. He wasn’t even really a friend. He was someone that I knew in passing. Someone I have had conversations and laughs with. So if we weren’t friends, why I am talking about this? Why is it affecting me so much?

Those questions are not easy to explain to people that do not have MDD. The answer, though, is the same as why Robin Williams death affected me so much. This person seemed to have everything. He was young, very attractive, accomplished in his education, well traveled in the world, and more. And yet, he still felt hopeless enough and low enough to take his own life. If someone with so much fell to lies that Depression tells, what hope do I have in the long-term?

This is one of my very few triggers. Between 16 and 26, I tried to take my life several times. I am glad that I am completely incompetent at that. I damaged my liver and was sick for days, but I survived and I thrived. Eventually. I have a great life. I love my husband. I love my job and career path. I love my friends and those close to me. And yet, in the dark recesses of my brain, the thoughts of suicide are always lurking. Always waiting for me to let my guard down. Fighting Depression is a lifelong war. Losing to Depression is a single moment in time. It only takes a moment.

We don’t talk about suicide in polite societies. Only druggies, drunks, and weak people take their own lives. Right? Right?

anxiety, depression

Burnt

The past week was awful. MaDD (My name for MDD) just about did me in. MaDD attacked my brain like it was double overtime and the plates were loaded. Or some sports metaphor.

I knew instinctively that I would make it through the week, but there were days that my heart gave up and days that my mind gave up. I was tired but I couldn’t sleep. I was stressed. But mostly, MaDD was yelling louder than usual.

That can only mean one thing. I need to consider changing my medications again. That is never a fun process. I never know who I will be once the meds kick in. Each time I get set on a course of meds, my personality changes with it. Why, this one time, let’s just say that I lost a few friends.

And now I’m wondering if MaDD is good name for my MDD. That’s what my brain does when scary thoughts come up, line changing my meds. I get distracted by details.

This last week was darker than I have been through in quite a while. I almost think the old, pre-pandemic me is fighting with the new me and I’m stuck here in the middle.

anxiety, depression, Song Lyrics

Sides

When I am walking down the street and I hear people starting to laugh, I know that they are laughing at me. Is my hair wrong? Is my zipper undone? Do I look weird? Or was I singing to myself again.

When I meet people, I’m awkward. I want to be liked, but I’m a strange kind of different. I often feel that I need to be “that person” in order to fit in or be liked. Sometimes I feel like I’m too normal or whatnot. Let me tell you. It is stressful.

My name is currently Aleczander Lourd Maverick and I suffer with MDD. (That is not Mother Against Drunk Drivers for the record).

I’m talkin’ to myself in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they’ve all been talkin’ about me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin’ wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin’, somehow I’ve lost my mind
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know, right now you can’t tell
But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me

depression, Song Lyrics

Unknown

Do you ever get this instinct that something is wrong with your body or your mind but you can neither figure out exactly what it is not can you explain it? That’s where I have been lately.

Of course, as one does, I googled my symptoms and found out I have over a dozen types of cancers, a few tumors, some rare disorder, and four minutes to live. (I am not making light of any of these)

I have been trying to figure out how to approach my doctor. I read through some information on the Mayo Clinics site and I have an idea, but it’s not likely that it started recently. It is more likely that I have been confusing symptoms with my anxiety symptoms. If I ask now, I think he’ll wave me off and toss these under the MDD umbrella.

And now for the song in my head…

There’s something wrong with my mind today. I don’t know what it is. There’s something wrong with mind….. Living on the meds! 😂

anxiety, depression, emotions

AllApologies

As I am sure you know by now, I suffer from MDD. One of the many fun tricks of this is that I have a warped sense of the effects of my actions and interactions with other people. Whether this means I think a close friend hates me because of something I said or did, or I think the bartender wants to jump me in the alley, it causes an alternate universe in my mind.

When these things happen, I have an over-inflated idea of how this affects the other person. But to start, lets be honest. These things happen to me multiple times a day. Maybe I forgot your name. Maybe I asked you about something. Maybe I was rude. Maybe I was too nice. There are so many maybes here.

What I am trying to get at is that I am often feeling like I need to apologize. This need to apologize is most likely just in my head. In most cases, the other person does not remember the incident or has completely forgotten that. If you are dear to me, I may apologize weeks, months, or even years later. When that happens, please take the apology and forgive me if this isn’t an issue for you. If I’m apologizing, it’s obviously an issue for me and may have haunted my brain for months or longer.

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I’ll take all the blame
Aqua sea foam shame

I don’t like many people. If I like you enough to apologize for something that means absolutely nothing to you, take that as a compliment instead of making it into a mountain.

depression, Motivation

Failure

I do not do well with failure. I am sure that is not a surprise coming from someone with MDD. I recently tried to put together a kit of bath and body items for an event. One of the items was something that I had not tried before. I was confident in my research so much that I bought a case of dispensers.

The new product idea failed so miserably that it cost me hours of my life. I did not think to make one and be done. Check it out. I went balls to the walls with the idea because I wanted to make one of my first big outings during the pandemic an amazing experience. I wanted to make up for the mask wearing and social distancing.

I had to dispose of a dozen bottles. The entire case of bottles were no longer useful.

This one time though. Not often, but this one time, I was able to make myself get back up and keep going. I drained all of the bottles back into my mixing bowl and created a new idea. I added my other products and BAM I had some good gift bags. I was proud of myself.

And the the tags fell off FFS!

Sometimes I hate doing nice things for people, but in the end, it is worth it to see the smile on their face. Even if they threw the bag in trash when they got home.

depression, Motivation

Trickster

Depression can be tricky, but there are days that Loki has nothing on the monster in my head. Some days my depression convinces me that taking my medications is too much work. I should just keep reading my book, playing my game, watching my show, or whatnot. Anything but getting up and going to take my medications. I mean, they don’t really work anyway, right?

On a side note, I keep trying to find a name for my depression. Saying MDD, or major depressive disorder seems to clinical. Saying depression seems like I’m sad or a white girl that can’t get a PSL. I wonder. Is it a monster? A beast? Should I find a name like George? Do you have a name for your depression?

I find myself getting stuck inside of my head more often. Whether I am working or playing a game on my phone or watching a show, my mind is often somewhere else. My depression does a pretty good job of distracting me like a close friend at a holiday party distracting me from the shots table. Or the host.

I spend most of my day alone because I am currently telecommuting. I chat; I text; I email; I whatnot. These things do not put me or keep me outside of my comfort zone. I need the rush of anxiety when I go to the busy city. I need the loud bar or club with people all around (as long as they aren’t touching me). I need the bass vibrating my chest like a pulse gone wild. I need connections, but I don’t have the energy or the strength to keep them.

Depression is an awful thing. When depression tricks me into not taking my antidepressants? That is just evil in disguise.

depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Stumble

I’m watching this show Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist. I laugh because I can be as “crazy” as her. Often times I bring music into situations and thoughts without letting others know. It’s hard to keep up with me if you don’t know the soundtrack.

This last episode A Great Big World with Christina Aguilera in Say Something. I have to say, though, that I agree with Zoey. Even with scruffy, hairy chested, chef-o-rama Max, sometimes people will never understand because they can’t hear your soundtrack.

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

depression, Motivation

Crutches

We all need crutches from time to time, but it seems like people that need crutches because of depression get stigmatized more.

Sometimes it’s the little things that are the most difficult for me. It’s the every day decisions. For example, when you think about making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you probably think about getting the bread, jelly, peanut butter, and a knife to whip it together.

For me, making that same sandwich means walking into the kitchen. Open the fridge and grab the jelly. Walk to the cabinet, open the door and grab the peanut butter. Walk to the other cabinet, open it and grab bread. Walk to the drawer, pull it open and grab a butter knife. Walk to yet another freaking cabinet, open the door and grab a plate. Set everything down on the counter.

Do you see where I’m going with this? I hope so because those instructions are overwhelming me and I’m just typing them.

When a person without depression looks at tasks, they take a lot of steps for granted, which makes it look simple. As a person that has major depressive disorder, my brain creates at least five times the number of steps. If you throw in decisions like which type of jelly… I’m done.

Do you walk up to a person with a cane in the parking lot to tell them that it’s so easy to walk from the car to store without a cane? I hope you don’t. So when you know someone suffers from Depression, try to avoid phrases like “but it’s so easy if you just” or “you don’t need all of that. Just…”