depression, emotions, Motivation

Crying

My brain is being awful today. It won’t let up. It won’t stop attacking. I’m frustrated and now I’m in my cubicle crying.

It’s not a full on bawling, mascara running kind of cry. It’s more like a silent, avoiding a serial killer and staying quiet, kind of cry.

I know I can go home, but my brain tells me that I’m a failure if I do. There are so many people that would love to have the option to be working right now, to get out of the house. My brain tells me that this emotional state is my own making and I need to suffer.

I don’t have a fun song in my head today. I need one, though. I need something to loop constantly to distract me. I guess I’ll search for fun songs for pandemics or something.

Anyway, I’m having a rough day, but depression lies. I know that in my heart. I know that in my bones. I just wish I could remember it right now. Depression lies and I’m hanging tough.

anxiety, depression, emotions

Rise-up

I’m an empath. I try to feel the world from the perspective of other people. I try to view the world as they would. This doesn’t always work. While my experiences may be similar or slightly in the same realm of reality, it isn’t always the same. This is dangerous because more often than not I can get close to understanding.

When I’m not close, however, I am a world away from the other person’s experience. It’s hard to understand and empathize with someone when you live in different worlds.

My heart is pure as the sex driven snow. My natural instinct is to understand and empathize with you. Just know that I am not always close or on the same path

Just know, that when you are close to me, I will rise up. I’ll try to understand. I’ll light the fireworks for the world to see. I’ll move mountains. But I may not always be right.

depression, Song Lyrics

Expectations

I grew up in a small town. I was different, obviously, but there are many reasons. I fell asleep in math classes and woke up to explain what the teacher was lecturing about for the previous 45 minutes. I was going to be smart.

I loved to read books. From the time I could handle a story, I loved to read. I was going to be smart.

I loved science. I loved drama. I loved school. I loved math. I had so many expectations for myself, but I had more for those around me.

I don’t have high expectations of you. Not like I do for me. I do, however, have limits and a baseline. I can live without you.

depression, emotions

Secrets

We all have secrets. We all have thoughts and pasts that we don’t want to think about. Most of us have tiny secrets that fit in a small box in the corner. Some of us have secrets that are sharp. Razor sharp.

I stumbled across the secret of someone close to me. A close friend, I should say, and I have a thought. If you find something or hear something, stop to think before you ask questions. Will the answer to those questions help you or forward you?

I’m not a fan of the ostrich theory of sticking our head in the sand, but I am also learning¬† that I’m not a fan of being the Nancy Drew. I want the truth, but I don’t always want to understand the truth.

My hair is naturally darker. My eyes aren’t green. My nails aren’t really this long. I’m not this tall without heels. Your hideous outfit is fabulous. That baby is beautiful.

We have white lies. We have truths. We have lies. We have secrets. We have consequences.

Where do we draw the line? How do we decide what is acceptable? Does this lie help people?

The lines are tearing me apart. I want to go back to the days when people were understandable and readable.

depression, emotions

Middleton

I’m a city guy, but sometimes I wish I could settle down in a small town like Star’s Hallow or Middleton. A place where things run slowly and you know your neighbors. But, I’m gay. It’s not that easy.

People like me need to live in big cities. I’m accepted here. I don’t have to know anyone or get along with anyone. I can just be. I can fit in while not concerning myself about others.

Living in a small town means fitting in. It means having everyone know you and like you. Not everyone likes me. Hell, my friends don’t like me some days. But yet, it still get this warm feeling in my heart when I watch Gilmore Girls or Good Witch. That small town life makes me yearn.

depression, emotions, Uncategorized

Hysteria

I understand that different situations affect people differently. I get it. I enjoy being at home watching movies or playing games on my phone. I generally have to talk myself into going out into the world to see people and be social.

I understand that the country is in disrepair right. I understand that the equal rights of many of us are at stake in this upcoming election. We need to reverse the destruction of our resources; the chipping away at civil rights; we need to rebuild our allies.

I also understand that I need to take care of me. The mass hysteria that is all around me is causing me to become hysterical. We don’t live in an either/or country. We live in a country of possibilities and freedoms. We can choose to move forward without going full speed ahead. We can slow down without coming to a complete stop. We can talk without agreeing.

I have been pulling away from some of my social media, zoom calls, texts, and phone calls. I’m not withdrawing into my inner world of depression like I used to. I’m walking away from a brawl that no one is going to win. I’m walking away from a circus where everyone is a performer and no one is in the audience. No one is watching or listening. No one.

I miss my friends and my social activities, but I won’t give up myself or allow myself to get into that brawl or circus. I’m going to sit down with my thoughts for a bit to see where I am and where I am going, but I’m not gone.

depression, emotions, Uncategorized

Gambler

I don’t have a lot of holds to my youth anymore. I work diligently to make it that way. There wasn’t a lot of greatness that came from there.

Music, though, is far different. My tastes are very much tied to my childhood. From Dolly Parton, to Kenny Rogers, and Tina Turner. Footloose and fancy free.

I hate to admit it, but we lost an icon today. While I’m not a country music fan, I did grow up listening to the Gambler, the Island in the Streams, and Ruby. My mother lit a candle for this man and he brought life into our house.

I never met the man, but I’m sad that the world lost him. He affected many of my childhood memories. He made me laugh and gave me hope. His songs made me dance and cry.

If there are two things that I learned from that man it’s that you should never fall in love with a dreamer, but sometimes she believes in me.

Growing up I often struggled with knowing when to hold them and when to fold them. I haven’t thought about this man in years, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t affect my life. My childhood.

Thank you for everything that you taught me. You may be gone, but we’ve got tonight and it’s a fine time to leave.

depression, Uncategorized

Simple

It was a simple task. Just climb the tree. So simple. If only I weren’t a fish.

I’m finding it very enlightening to see which people are struggling to stay home during this first week of quarantine. Staying home is simple. It’s easy. You just don’t go out. Why can’t you handle that? It’s so easy. You just don’t. go. out.

That’s what I hear when my depression is keeping me from life. From people and events. It’s easy to just grab a bus to the train and head to a city and then walk over there. Just come out to this loud, crazy place and don’t worry about anything. It’s so easy.

There are days that I use more energy and mental power forcing myself out of bed than you use to order a cup of coffee. There are days that I leave the house wondering why I can’t just lay on the couch watching movies or playing games. There are days that I miss birthdays and events and parties because I just can’t. I can’t.

I tried to be there when I could, but I couldn’t always be there. I hated disappointing my friends. I have even lost friends over this issue, but no one’s life was at risk.

Today, I am asking you to stay home. Don’t go out. Don’t travel. Don’t leave. Stay home. There are lives at stake.

Those friends that were disappointed with me, frustrated with me because I couldn’t simply do something so easy as to go to another city, those friends? They can’t stay home for one weekend. They are getting a small glimpse of what I go through daily and they are failing harder than a fish trying to climb a tree.

Simple is as simple does. You thought it was so easy to walk to the train and go for an adventure, while I found it terrifying, difficult, and mind draining. You didn’t understand. Now, you are being asked to do what I want to do every weekend. Stay home. Lay on the count. Don’t do anything. And guess what? You can’t. It’s too difficult for you. Imagine that you have to live like that every day. You can’t go out. You have to stay home. You can’t have contact with other people.

Welcome to the world of bizarro depression. Welcome to my world.

 

depression, emotions, Motivation

Good

I’m a little down these days. I have a cold again. This is the fourth time that I have been sick this year and it’s only February 29th. I’ve gained weight. I’m out of shape. I want to work on these things but I keep getting sick, and I don’t do sick well.

I’m frustrated with myself for spending so much time on the couch playing games or watching television. I’m frustrated that moving is exhausting. If only I could be good when I’m overwhelmed like this. That I would be good if I got and stayed sick.

That I would be good, even if I did nothing
That I would be good, even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

*Alanis Morissette

depression

Weight

After 3 years, I am finally at a place where my mental health seems steady. My emotions are mostly under control. This has been the best I have been mentally in over 20 years. I’m (how do you say this?) happy. In fact, I’m very happy. I left a job that was draining me and found a job where people appreciate my talents and input.

The downside? I have gained a lot of weight. I can see a significant difference in my appearance. I spent the first 30 years of my life on the edge of being under-weight. After I (briefly) quit drinking at 30, I gained over 10 pounds. When I quite smoking, I gained more. But with those, the weight gains weren’t overly visible. The weight I have gained since the new meds is very visible.

I don’t want this to come across as a judgement on weight. This is more about my self-esteem and the fact that I can’t climb a flight of stairs without being out of breath. Once I fixed my teeth, I was a hot commodity. It went to my head. Once I started on the meds, my self-esteem went up and I was a hotter commodity. Now, I’m happier than I have ever been, but my self-esteem is close to my lowest.

For now, I’m not going to change anything. My overall happiness and mental stability is far more important. But I wonder if my weight will become an issue later on and lead to me changing meds once again.