Category: depression

anxiety, depression

Security

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Safety or Security? Which do you choose? I feel secure that California will protect my human rights. I feel secure that I won’t lose the right to be married to my husband. But I don’t feel safe in Oakland anymore. I don’t feel safe in most of the Bay Area anymore. I am not comfortable riding my bike to the store because I know in the 15 minutes that I am in the store, my bike will get stolen. 

I am visiting my family in Indianapolis this week. I forget how wholesome and safe this place feels. I can sit on the front porch and say high to people walking by. I can walk around at night. I can leave things in my car. But I am not secure here. When the Supreme Court overturns the right to marriage equality, I won’t have my legal marriage anymore.  

I miss having a large home. I miss having a yard and a front porch to sit on. I don’t miss the winters, but I do miss thunderstorms. I miss the openness but not having to rely on a car to get anywhere. (I had to drive 5 miles to get a cup of coffee that wasn’t from a gas station).

My heart hurts. My mind is healing. My soul is comforted. Maybe I just needed to visit again. Maybe living here isn’t the answer. I need a new home. I need a safe space. I need security. Where do I find that?

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depression, emotions

Bridges

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Bridges are so ironic. They help to get people from here to there. They cover gaps in pathways. They open up to be more accessible. Bridges are so versatile in their builds.

But bridges also lead to death and destruction. Bridges do no discriminate. Mental health does not discriminate. When you jump off that bridge, the landing spot will not discriminate.

#hashtag #darkturn

How are we supposed to know when our friends or family are suicidal? Do they have a meter on their forehead that shows the level of shit they can no longer deal with? Do they start acting like the world is full of crap and nothing matters? Or do they just welcome what the bridge can bring them?

Suicide is a scary thought for those with normal brains. For others, it’s like breathing. It just happens on a regular basis. I do not really know what people expect from suicidal people though. Do you think they will hop on Facebook and say “Hey! Sunday Fun Day! I am going to jump off the bridge this afternoon, but does anyone want to grab brunch first?”

Death is bitch this way. Depression is a bitch this way. Life is a bitch this way.

#CheckOnYourFriends #MoreOften

*note: I am fine

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depression, emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Tennesse

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all have a journey in front of us. We can take that journey or stay home. We have a choice but not always the tools needed to join the journey. I am thankful that I could go on my journey to California.

#lyrics

I’m up and jaws are on the floor
Lovers in the bathroom and a line outside the door
Blacklights and a mirrored disco ball
Every night’s another reason why I left it all

I thank my wicked dreams
A year from Tennessee
Oh, Santa Monica
You’ve been too good to me
Won’t make my mama proud
It’s gonna cause a scene
She sees her baby girl
I know she’s gonna scream

God, what have you done
You’re a pink pony girl
And you dance at the club
Oh mama, I’m just having fun
On the stage in my heels
It’s where I belong down at the
Pink Pony club

*via Pink Pony Club, Chappell Roan

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anxiety, depression

2024

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have learned a lot on my trip to Las Vegas for Christmas 2024. I live in a safe bubble within the United States. A safe haven for those in need. A safe haven with possibilities and hope and love.

Las Vegas was filled with trump supporters. I could feel the aura of ignorance, hopelessness, hatred, and anger. Everything that he has built is destroying not only this country, but Christianity itself within the United States.

Love thy neighbor. Peacefully bring people together instead of forcing religion on everyone. If Jesus is real, he needs to come back. People are destroying this world in his name. He needs to remove the false prophets and followers. Maybe his father needs to wipe the world clean again.

It is so laughable that the people that wear their religion on their sleeves are most likely to be the least christ-like.

I will not be spending much time in trump states. I am not mentally strong enough to handle that much hate, ignorance, and hopelessness.

Jesus Christ would never support Donald Trump. He would condemn him for his rhetoric. His hate. His anger. We need to be more like Jesus Christ and less like MAGA.

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depression, emotions

PhysicalPsychiatry

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have decided to invent a new type of therapy. Physical Psychiatry. I so often need to curl up in a ball and let the world move around me without me involved. But, what if I could go to a therapist and curl up into a physical ball and they massage my head and neck. And then they ease all of the muscles that are tightened up while telling me that I matter and I am a good person that adds to the best of humanity.

I need a therapist to acknowledge what I am going through as well as what I went through. But this is both a mental and physical issue. I am happy that someone solved my brain issues for a hot minute or my knots for a bit.

And hear me out here. What if someone could work the physical stress along with the mental stress? I need a therapist that can be the big spoon to my cuddles while dealing with my mental issues. Treat my mental and physical depression.

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depression, emotions

Tap

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Tap. Tap.

The sound of tapping can be so loud and irritating or almost impossible to hear.

The sound of a demon tapping on your soul is painful and screeching. The sound of the kitty tapping on your arm to get scritches is ever so quiet. The sound of me tapping out is but a whisper.

Being gay has defined me and my life since I was a child. I was teased as a child. I was bullied in school. I was fired from jobs. I had cars drive by me throwing beer bottles at me while calling me a faggot. I was discharged from the nuclear engineering program in the United States Navy even though I had one of the highest scores. I was disowned and unfriended.

After 40 plus years, the world still sees me as a faggot. And now, the gay community sees me as an old, fat queen. I am tired. I am so very tired of fighting for everyone and everything.

The country has made a major decision and I am not wanted. I get that so I am tapping out. I will curl up with a good book in California and enjoy solitary life with my husband. I will watch the country and the world fall apart and maybe even burn. I have ten years before I get to retire to and tell this country to suck my faggoty dick. I hate that word, like I am some kind of cigarette to be smoked. But there it is from my lips finally.

Tap. Tap.

That is the sound of me tapping out. It is someone else’s turn to fight for marriage rights when the Supreme Court overturns the law. It is someone else’s turn to fight for the right to be in the military. It is someone else’s turn.

Tap.

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anxiety, depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Life

Posted on by Zander Maverick

For those of you in the world that do not know me, my first concert was Slippery When Wet. Does that change your view of me?

Like Frankie said, I did it my way

It’s my life. Tomorrow’s getting harder, make no mistake
Luck ain’t enough, you’ve got to make your own breaks

You better stand tall when they’re calling you out
Don’t bend, don’t break, baby, don’t back down

#bonjovi #itsmylife

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depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Young

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Just like my ex, the term young has so many beautiful memories. The 90s. The 2000s. The single years. My love. Cheers to our previous lives. Our old selves. Our histories.

I know I used to be crazy
I know I used to be fun
You say I used to be wild
I say I used to be young

You tell me time has done changed me
That’s fine, I’ve had a good run
I know I used to be crazy
That’s ’cause I used to be young

Take one, pour it out
It’s not worth crying ’bout the things you can’t erase
Like tattoos and regrets
Words I never meant and ones that got away

Left my living fast somewhere in the past
And took another road
Turns out crowded rooms empty out as soon
There’s somewhere else to go, oh

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depression, emotions, Motivation

Vision

Posted on by Zander Maverick

There are so many things that we take for granted in life. My vision has been bad for most of my life. I started wearing glasses in the 7th grade. I think I was 11 at the time. Of course I was teased by the other kids. I tried to pretend they weren’t real glasses. They were just a disguise!

Over the last 40+ years, that stigmatism about wearing glasses faded to basically nothing. People wear glasses. I wear glasses. It was just one of those things.

People that don’t wear glasses do no realize how different it can be with glasses. Sometimes I have to take them off because I am spending too much time reading small print. Some times I have to take them off because the sun is too bright and the glasses make it worse.

What does this have to do with Depression? Not much I guess. Except it does. Every little disadvantage that you have is a weapon that Depression can use against you. Like, bitch, you can even see. How successful are you going to be when the world is ending and you can’t find your damn glasses?

Well, I am here to say that I won’t be needing my glasses much longer. That will be one less bullet that Depression has for me.

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depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Angry2

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Yes. I know that you are angry. You had a fun night and now you wish to bury that knowledge. You wish to brush off your accountability. That night didn’t happen. I get it. I know it. I feel it.

But, porque, it did.

In our country, it’s so easy to blame others for our demise. For our struggles. We can’t accept responsibility. If it weren’t for those meddling kids, we would have gotten away with a better life.

I’m angry.

And I don’t wanna be a monster in the making
I don’t wanna be more bitter than sweet
I don’t know how to be just standing by blankly
Not getting angry

Lola Blanc

I’m not a monster. We are on a journey together. That journey has ups and downs, but those are neither your fault nor mine.

I’m angry. You don’t get to blame me for the skeletons in your head.

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