depression, Motivation

Raiment

I thought I would be clever and download a Word of the Day app. I have gotten into the habit of having one word titles on my posts, so why not.

Today’s word is Raiment. That is an old fashioned word for fancy clothing.

Sometimes I like to put on my raiment and walk about to boost my mood. I’m fancy that way.

I’m not sure this is going to work, though. I guess we will see. If it pushes me to at least post more, maybe it will be worth it baby.

depression, Motivation

Enough?

I often struggle with the need to push myself to do more. With depression, I always feel like I am doing too much and not enough at the same time. Today I find myself at a crossroad. I think I might be pushing myself a little too hard. I feel the pressure of the outside as I expand my world and my focus.

I work full-time. I don’t think I have ever not worked full-time since 17. I was working part-time long before then. I am in school full-time. I have decided that I want to do better in my career. I want to be better. I need a degree to get there.

My boss likes to give me extra assignments that will give me experience, and maybe some extra money as well.

I like to be the person that promotes happiness and helpfulness.

Right now, I am doing all four. My depression tells me that I am overwhelming myself. My desires tell me I need to do more. I don’t know who to listen to any more. All work and no play makes Zander a dull boy, but I have spent decades being a fun boy.

Am I doing enough to improve my life and my husband’s life? Or I am doing too much and pushing myself too hard?

I don’t know.

emotions, Motivation

Voice

I often have odd questions. Sometimes those questions are “stupid questions”. Sometimes that questions answer the questions of the universe. And sometimes those questions baffle the minds of everyone that knows me and wonders how in the gods’ name I could ask that. This is the latter.

I find voices to be interesting. They can be sexy or they can be rough. They can be high pitched or screechy. They can be annoying or just not noticeable. Have you ever thought… “I would listen to them read a dictionary.”? I thought so.

That leads me to my question. You get to decide which category it falls under. With all of the cosmetic surgery available, are there surgeries to adjust your voice? Can I get a deep, soul searching voice for a few thousand dollars? Can I get the Nanny’s voice for a few hundred? What is in a voice?

These are questions that need answers, but questions that cannot be asked.

depression, Motivation

Failure

I do not do well with failure. I am sure that is not a surprise coming from someone with MDD. I recently tried to put together a kit of bath and body items for an event. One of the items was something that I had not tried before. I was confident in my research so much that I bought a case of dispensers.

The new product idea failed so miserably that it cost me hours of my life. I did not think to make one and be done. Check it out. I went balls to the walls with the idea because I wanted to make one of my first big outings during the pandemic an amazing experience. I wanted to make up for the mask wearing and social distancing.

I had to dispose of a dozen bottles. The entire case of bottles were no longer useful.

This one time though. Not often, but this one time, I was able to make myself get back up and keep going. I drained all of the bottles back into my mixing bowl and created a new idea. I added my other products and BAM I had some good gift bags. I was proud of myself.

And the the tags fell off FFS!

Sometimes I hate doing nice things for people, but in the end, it is worth it to see the smile on their face. Even if they threw the bag in trash when they got home.

depression, Motivation

Trickster

Depression can be tricky, but there are days that Loki has nothing on the monster in my head. Some days my depression convinces me that taking my medications is too much work. I should just keep reading my book, playing my game, watching my show, or whatnot. Anything but getting up and going to take my medications. I mean, they don’t really work anyway, right?

On a side note, I keep trying to find a name for my depression. Saying MDD, or major depressive disorder seems to clinical. Saying depression seems like I’m sad or a white girl that can’t get a PSL. I wonder. Is it a monster? A beast? Should I find a name like George? Do you have a name for your depression?

I find myself getting stuck inside of my head more often. Whether I am working or playing a game on my phone or watching a show, my mind is often somewhere else. My depression does a pretty good job of distracting me like a close friend at a holiday party distracting me from the shots table. Or the host.

I spend most of my day alone because I am currently telecommuting. I chat; I text; I email; I whatnot. These things do not put me or keep me outside of my comfort zone. I need the rush of anxiety when I go to the busy city. I need the loud bar or club with people all around (as long as they aren’t touching me). I need the bass vibrating my chest like a pulse gone wild. I need connections, but I don’t have the energy or the strength to keep them.

Depression is an awful thing. When depression tricks me into not taking my antidepressants? That is just evil in disguise.

depression, Motivation

Crutches

We all need crutches from time to time, but it seems like people that need crutches because of depression get stigmatized more.

Sometimes it’s the little things that are the most difficult for me. It’s the every day decisions. For example, when you think about making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you probably think about getting the bread, jelly, peanut butter, and a knife to whip it together.

For me, making that same sandwich means walking into the kitchen. Open the fridge and grab the jelly. Walk to the cabinet, open the door and grab the peanut butter. Walk to the other cabinet, open it and grab bread. Walk to the drawer, pull it open and grab a butter knife. Walk to yet another freaking cabinet, open the door and grab a plate. Set everything down on the counter.

Do you see where I’m going with this? I hope so because those instructions are overwhelming me and I’m just typing them.

When a person without depression looks at tasks, they take a lot of steps for granted, which makes it look simple. As a person that has major depressive disorder, my brain creates at least five times the number of steps. If you throw in decisions like which type of jelly… I’m done.

Do you walk up to a person with a cane in the parking lot to tell them that it’s so easy to walk from the car to store without a cane? I hope you don’t. So when you know someone suffers from Depression, try to avoid phrases like “but it’s so easy if you just” or “you don’t need all of that. Just…”

depression, emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Hole

Back before the internet, well before the world wide web maybe, I spent years looking for a song by Cyndi Lauper. The song was from Vibes. If you haven’t seen that movie, stop, drop, and roll that video.

This hole in my heart that goes all the way to China…

I sometimes feel as if something is missing inside of me. Like a hole within me. I know that it’s my depression messing with my head, but I’m always trying to fill that hole. Usually with alcohol and loud music and wild times. Sometimes, though, I find a passion that fills that hole, even if only for a short period.

2020 has been a devastating year. So many people have lost their lives, their jobs, their homes, their livelihoods. It’s too depressing to try and wrap my brain around the amount of loss and misery that has occurred this year.

But for me, not so much. I changed jobs this year and not a month too soon. I got promoted at this job that I was only at for 8 months. I have an amazing husband that is always near me, making sure I stay on my feet. I learned how to cook this year. Not boxed foods or frozen foods; I legit learned how to cook.

So many horrible things have happened to almost everyone, but I’ve had a good year overall. Now, though, that hole is back. I’m getting lost looking for a way to fill that hole. Did 2020 finally do me in or am I just feeling guilty and letting my empathy take the pain of others?

I don’t know. I wish I did. I do know that something needs to change. I need a spark, a light, a flame, a new year. Something. Luckily, I have the support system I need to fall on my face and get back up again. I know that I can get back up again and that is an amazing feeling. Now if only I could skip this hole in my heart.

anxiety, depression, Motivation

Flashback

I have these songs that freeze me in time. When I hear them again, I’m thrown back into that day. For better or worse, I’m there. These songs and moments can make me laugh or make me cry. The songs can make me dance or make me vogue.

I love music. There are songs that cause goosebumps all over my body. There’s a name for that, but that’s another time. I don’t listen to music all of the time because I can get lost in it and lose track of time. When I’m at work, this is not a good thing.

I don’t remember what I had for dinner 7 days ago but I remember the guy I had a crush on in high school when Everything I do, I do for You comes on. I remember the heartache of rejection that happened only in my mind. The course of life changing because my brain told me so.

I remember musicals that aren’t very fun, when people would sing the (loudly) in my apartment well after midnight. Those moments make me laugh and sigh because I am fond of those people but lord those same songs over and over.

When a song comes on, if you see my eyes glaze over, just know that it’s one of the songs that gives me a flashback.

depression, Motivation

Little

It’s the little things that are breaking me these days. I spent 10 minutes completing the prep work for a dinner meal kit only to discover the chicken was bad. It broke me. I was devastated. This should have been a minor inconvenience, but I retreated to my bedroom to escape the world.

I am not easily broken when it comes to a lot things, but sometimes my anxiety and depression work as a trojan horse that makes a small issue into life draining issue. These small setbacks can keep me from trying for days or weeks.

More often than not these days, I’m lazing about on the couch or the bed either playing video games or watching television. I don’t have the oomph to go outside and walk about. I used to walk down to the dry cleaners or CVS on the weekends. Now it’s a struggle to walk up the stairs at home.

There are a million little things that don’t bother me everyday, but it only takes one little, tiny, targeted thing to destroy my motivation. I spent years going to therapy and then taking meds to get away from that, but the quarantine has set me back years in my progress.

anxiety, Motivation

Decisions

I am at the point in my anxiety where it is very difficult to make basic decisions. I skip meals when I can’t decide if I’d rather have a can of soup or a sandwich. I fret for hours over whether I should buy trash bags this week or wait until next week.

During times like this, I need to get a personal shopper. Tell them what I need and what my tastes/needs are with the item(s) and either give them my card or have them get me a price (with a finder’s fee of course) and then venmo them the money to take care of it.

I am so frustrated. I should be able to do simple things like pick out some pots for the new plants that I won at work. I should be able to decide what time of potting soil to buy. And my lucky bamboo needs to be moved to a bigger container so I have to decide whether I keep them in water/rocks or switch to potting soil.

That doesn’t even get to the other decisions and purchases that I have to make. I get so frustrated when my anxiety locks my brain up like this. Why does my brain get so overwhelmed with everyday choices like this?

Decisions. Decisions.