depression, emotions, Motivation


I have one more week with my career at FedEx Office. This has been a long road. When I was young (was I ever 19?) I lost my way. Well, I never really knew my way, so I guess I couldn’t lose it. I came out and then buried myself in debt. I made mistakes, friends, enemies, and lost everything shortly thereafter.

I needed help. I was in over my head with debt, depression, and so much more. I got help, though. I was a lucky one. I was bailed out by amazing people that tried to set me on a good path. I wish that would have stuck, but that’s where this story starts.

I was in a new city starting a new life. I needed a job. I was working at Safeway as a cashier, but that wasn’t enough. A relative was working at Kinko’s so he got me an interview and I was hired shortly after. The year as 1995. I had just turned 21 fifteen days before that.

My job at Kinko’s was just temporary. I needed money and I needed to get my finances under control. I was going to get a real job. At 21 I had already failed at my military career. I had failed at many things. I guess this job was something that I just couldn’t fail at. It’s been almost 25 years now and the only consistent thing in my life has been my career with Kinko’s (FedEx Kinko’s, FedEx Office). It’s almost like a child that needs freedom. I know it’s time for me to let go, but it’s so hard.

January 17th will be my last day with the company. It’s been a great journey and an amazing career. I have very few regrets, but I also need to move on and think about my life in later years. I can’t make the same mistakes I made when I was so, so, very young. I learned. I grew. And now I am moving on.

depression, emotions, Motivation


“Reasons I Drink”
These are the reasons I drink
The reasons I tell everybody I’m fine even though I am not
These are the reasons I overdo it
I have been working since I can remember, since I was single digits
Now, even though I’ve been busted
I don’t know where to draw the line ’cause that groove has gotten so deep

And nothing can give reprieve like they do
Nothing can give a break for this soldier like they do

*Alanis Morrissette
depression, Motivation


With anxiety and depression, my brain is usually focusing on a few dozen issues at any given time. This takes brain power away from my conscious mind, which is why I often forget words, names, or even faces.

Imagine having a computer with 3 browsers running and each browser has 10 to 15 windows open. No matter how fast your computer is, that amount of activity is going to slow things down. Now imagine that your computer is 10 years old. Your computer is begging you to slow down and read a book.

I often feel like an idiot when I forget words or names. It happens most often in group settings. That makes it so much more fun. Over the years I have worked to become more outgoing and personable, yet it’s hard to tell stories and jokes when your brain forgets basic words or names.

With an additional note, if you don’t think people with depression should drink alcohol, you should stop reading here. 🙂


Seriously, if you are going to judge, stop reading.


With alcohol, the forgetfulness gets worse. After 2 to 3 drinks my memory gets worse and my recollection of the night is spotty at best. It seems that the one way to get my brain to calm down and stop yelling also makes my brain stop and hammer time. Potayto. Potahto I guess. At least the latter lets me have fun.

depression, Motivation


It’s funny. I can spend weeks building myself up and getting myself into a positive minds space. I can meditate, take meds regularly, talk to my doctor, and focus on good news. It’s a lot of work, but worth it.

It’s not funny that weeks of hard work can be destroyed by a single encounter with a person or a negative experience. And now I have to get back up and start climbing that hill again. Maybe someday I’ll reach to top of the mountain.

Then again, maybe Charlie Brown will finally kick the football.


*Edit: I posted this from my phone so I fixed a few words and corrected some grammar.

**Update: My brain bounced back really fast today. I put on some Cyndi and walked outside from one store to another. I kept listening to music for the rest of the business day with my headphones on, and voila, I was back in my great mind space.

depression, emotions, Motivation


Anger. The hot, bitter, heart racing emotion. Red faced, ear blowing steam, bug-eyed emotion. It’s an important emotion because it can motivate us. It’s a dangerous emotion because it can destroy us. What we do with it determines what it does to us.

My depression makes me many things, but deep down, I have a burning anger inside of me. Like a volcano that sleeps for centuries, my anger can hide in plain site. But like that volcano, when it erupts, it’s a disaster and people get hurt. My insides explode and spill out onto anyone and anything in their path. And when it’s done, it goes back to sleep like nothing happened. But it did. It destroyed the beautiful world that was around us.

Like volcanoes, nature too can be sleepy or destructive. It can create trees that give us our air or plants that feed our bodies. I can blow winds hard enough to throw trees that weigh tons or soft enough to blow the hair from my eyes. When volcanoes erupt, nature sleeps, but slowly wakes. The destruction isn’t permanent because nature will always come back and reclaim this planet. It just takes time.

My anger bursts out of me at times and hurts those around me. When it goes back to sleep, I feel the devastation around me like burnt soil. I also know, however, that my nature will rise up and fix what it can, when it can. It won’t be right away and it might not be the same again, but my nature will always come back to rebuild me. And that is where my hope comes from.

Hope’ is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all. ~Emily Dickinson

depression, Motivation, Sleep, Uncategorized


I don’t have the energy that I used to. It’s not because I’m older, although I’m sure that plays a part. It’s not because I’m lazy. I am just exhausted. I think the medication is making me tired, as well as the depression itself.

This frustrates me because as I sit in my new(ish) job, I am gaining weight. I want to join a gym to knock off at least a few of the pounds, but I need to save my energy for more important things like grocery shopping, cooking and the like.

My doctor put me on yet another medication. This should kick-start the other medication into controlling my depression better. We’ll see I guess. So far it has helped my focus, but not my energy level. Every three to four hours I start yawning considerably and I feel like I could fall asleep standing up. I actually fell asleep on the bus home, which I do not like doing.

Caffeine helps, but too much puts me to sleep as well. That is one of the weird quirks with my body. I have never heard of anyone that gets sleepy from too much caffeine. Maybe I overdid it when I was younger and trying to finish one more level on whatever game it was that I was playing, keeping myself up all night with Jolt cola.

Who knows. I know that I am tired.

depression, Motivation


One of the most frustrating things for me on a daily basis is my career. I am capable of doing so much more, but I need extra flexibility in my scheduling. I’m an intelligent guy with great data entry and deductive skills. I can work 50 to 60 hours a week, but I need to be able to do them on my own schedule. Some weeks it might be easier to do seven 8 hour days, while others it might be easier to work four 14 hour days.

I need to find a career that will fit with my scheduling needs, while also being able to pay the bills. Living in Oakland isn’t exactly cheap.


depression, Motivation


I really can’t stress enough that you should be careful before making assumptions about people. Even innocuous things like people who take selfies.

When I was younger, my anxiety was much worse. If I wasn’t at work, I was either home or maybe at a bar. I couldn’t fathom going to a baseball game, zip lining, flying to a new country, or even going to the store sometimes.

You will often see me taking and posting selfies. These are proof that I have done things. I made it out. When I’m having a rough day, they are a reminder that things aren’t always bad. They encourage me to go farther and to try more.

Yes, there may be people that are so fully focused on themselves that they miss the world around them; but it doesn’t harm you, so let them pass. Imagime they are suffering from something and move on.

We often look at the world from our own experiences and understanding, yet sometimes we need to look at it from someone else’s point of view. Maybe walk a mile in their stilletos.

depression, Motivation


There are so many ways that Depression is a catch 22. One of the things that brings my mind out and helps to activate productive thinking is a clean space; however, my depression typically warps my brain to avoid cleaning. This is one of the reasons that I love to travel and stay in hotels. It isn’t always the destination that excites me, it’s the fully clean, almost immaculate nature of the rooms.

It took me awhile to realize that having a cluttered space can lead to having a cluttered mind. It took me even longer to realize that this is amplified with Depression. I think I need to have a Brownie adopt me and the apartment.

Again, this falls back to having the motivation and clarity to accomplish things. Those two factors can lead to great successes or stunning failures.

depression, Motivation


One of the many things that frustrates me about Depression is that it often zaps my motivation. There are days that I just cannot get out of bed. When I do, I struggle to get motivation to to do anything.

Sometimes when I tell people this, they tell me that I am just being lazy; that I just need to be a grown up and deal with being an adult. I wish I were being lazy. I wish I could snap out of it.

There are days that I get up and I feel like the world is my oyster. I get so much done and go places. I get out in the world and shop, pay bills, clean, and whatever I need to do. I love these days. I love these days.

What motivates you when you can’t get going? What keeps you from hiding under the comforter when you Depression is tackling your mind? Sometimes, I just need engagement. Find something that we have in common and push me to do it; but don’t get mad when I don’t do it most of the time.

Also, my beautiful husband is my biggest motivation. I want him to have a great life full of fun and worldly events.