depression

Untoward

My word of the day is Untoward. I feel like the babies and children in the airport have untoward behaviour. Their screaming and running around is not popular with travelers. Many of us are visible annoyed.

When it comes to perceiving other people, I am often too sensitive to what people say and how they say it. Sometimes a person is being friendly, even though I perceive them with untoward behavior. I see and hear anger and annoyance when it’s not really there.

depression, Motivation

Raiment

I thought I would be clever and download a Word of the Day app. I have gotten into the habit of having one word titles on my posts, so why not.

Today’s word is Raiment. That is an old fashioned word for fancy clothing.

Sometimes I like to put on my raiment and walk about to boost my mood. I’m fancy that way.

I’m not sure this is going to work, though. I guess we will see. If it pushes me to at least post more, maybe it will be worth it baby.

depression, Motivation

Enough?

I often struggle with the need to push myself to do more. With depression, I always feel like I am doing too much and not enough at the same time. Today I find myself at a crossroad. I think I might be pushing myself a little too hard. I feel the pressure of the outside as I expand my world and my focus.

I work full-time. I don’t think I have ever not worked full-time since 17. I was working part-time long before then. I am in school full-time. I have decided that I want to do better in my career. I want to be better. I need a degree to get there.

My boss likes to give me extra assignments that will give me experience, and maybe some extra money as well.

I like to be the person that promotes happiness and helpfulness.

Right now, I am doing all four. My depression tells me that I am overwhelming myself. My desires tell me I need to do more. I don’t know who to listen to any more. All work and no play makes Zander a dull boy, but I have spent decades being a fun boy.

Am I doing enough to improve my life and my husband’s life? Or I am doing too much and pushing myself too hard?

I don’t know.

depression

Flight

People that suffer from Depression often have a limited amount of energy to deal with issues. This is similar to video games where you have to choose when to use the energy, how to use it efficiently, and then wait for ages for more to show up.

When I get faced with issues that I have to deal with, my subconscious divides the issues into a type of “fight of flight” categories. For big issues, my subconscious knows that I need to reserve some of that energy. For small issues, my subconscious tends to move the issue into the “flight” category, meaning I can ignore the issue.

This works most of the time. This system has developed for decades in my brain, but I’m sure it has leaked in from others over the centuries. The problem with this system is that it does not take into account the idea that small issues can quickly become big issues. This is important, but first let me state something.

When the big issues happen, people tend to think that is when people with Depression need the support and attention. I mean, we can’t expect our friends and families to jump at every issue. So… logic dictates that checking in during big issues should be enough. Make sure the person is doing well.

And that is one of the many catch-22’s of Depression. My subconscious knows to reserve my limited mental energy for those big issues. As long as I do not have a lot of those at once, I am fine. When a small issue becomes a major issue, though, that is when I am likely to break.

Earlier this week I was working on something for another division. I made a mistake. No big deal. The manager caught the issue in time. The fix would be quick and easy. Bam. Right?

The fix was that I had to call the mail room to stop the multi-piece shipment that was going out. I needed to contact the executive secretary to explain the email could not go out yet. I needed to coordinate with the director to get new signatures. I needed to replace pages in all of the reports. I had to get everything done by the next day while explaining to all of these people why I needed them to do what they needed to do. And the crisis set it.

And the damage set in. I did not have enough energy reserved for all of this. I didn’t break, but I was definitely damaged enough that a water-like substance rolled down from the corners of my eyes for a minute. I managed to convince myself that I was an imposter in a position that no fool should have hired me for in the first place.

Luckily for me, I have an amazing partner that can refill my energy and help me reboot long enough to deal with things, like getting some stranger to jump your car. The next day I was fine.

My point with this post is that in my experience, people with Depression need help in times like this more than when something major happens. If you know someone that suffers from Depression and they joke about something that went wrong, stop and think if maybe that person just lost control of the boulder they were pushing up the hill. Did they just run out of energy?

depression, emotions

Gratitude

I grew up without a lot of stuff. My family was poor, but we did eat every day. Most days we had 3 meals even. I rarely had the latest and greatest toy, which is why I started working before I even went to high school. I wanted my own money for my own things. I think it is because of this that I learned to be grateful for what I have.

Over the years, though, that gratitude has dropped quite a bit. I appreciate what I have, but I want more. I need more. As my income increased, my need for “stuff” increased, and while I can recognize this, I do not know how to change it. I have enough stuff. I have too much stuff. How do I get back to not needing more?

I think part of my brain sees what others have and I do not want to miss out. I want to enjoy nights out. I want to buy frilly things. I want shiny objects. I want and I want, but I don’t need.

I tell myself that these things will help control my depression and lift my mood. In reality, though, I think it does the opposite. I have crowded my life with so much “stuff” that I do not have any time or room for the things that I need. I need interactions with people, but not too many. I need time to meditate and a clear space to do it. I need fun times with friends that are not expensive, but still enjoyable or even silly. These are the things that I need. But how do I make my gratitude recognize this?

What brings out the most gratitude in you?

depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Story

I have a lot of stories. I have a lot of adventures in my head. When I was at my lowest, you were there for me. Alcohol, drugs, death…. you were there. You had no judgement. Decades later, I am who I am because of you.

You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what I’ve been through like you do
And I was made for you

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
Oh, but these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true, I was made for you

Thank you for believing in me.

depression

Baffled

Some people are good at pairing wine with food. Others are good at pairing whiskies with cigars. Some people are amazing at pairing random things to make an outfit with a statement.

Nobody, however, can be good at pairing depression and anxiety with a skin condition that baffles the doctors so much that they cut your skin off and send it to Star Labs.

I have had many skins issues over the years from eczema to cellulitis. This? What do I have now? I’m stumped. Google says I have heart disease. WebMD thinks I have a viral fungus that attacks hair follicles. Don’t even ask me what Bing thinks.

So I sit here with stitches in my leg and a piece of my skin missing wondering which of them is right. I guess I just have to wait for Star Labs techs to do their tests.

emotions, Song Lyrics

Generational

There is the age old joke about the current generation’s music being just noise compared to the previous version. The oldies are the best, right? But what are the oldies? Your parents might have a different idea than you. Your children definitely have different idea than you. So where is this coming from?

I had a deep connection to the music in the 80s and 90s. That doesn’t mean I do not like the music after that, but it wasn’t the same. I could hear a song and I would stop everything to close my eyes, focus on the song, and just let go. While I like and even love some songs from the last couple of decades, it is rare for me to feel that. Is this because the music is not as good or because I am not as connected to music as I used to be?

Well, that happens to be a great question. I recently said “Yo, my bitch, Google. Play some Roxette and keep the shit coming” (okay, I said “Okay Google. Shuffle Roxette’) There were a couple of songs that made me stop, drop my eyes, and roll my mind. It was like I was thrown back in time. So no, I do not think it is my lost connection. I just think I do not connect with the newer artists.

Lyrics from Roxette

In that big big house, there are fifty doors
And one of them leads to your heart
In the time of spring I passed your gate
And tried to make a start

All I knew was the scent of sea and dew
But I’ve been in love before, how about you?

depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Brave

I am not really a people-person. I am more of a people watcher. I like observing people to see what they do or what they say. If I could have a superpower, I think it would be invisibility of some sort.

I have my moments when I need to be the center of attention, but that’s usually a one-on-one situation or a very brief lack of judgement on my part.

I was taught to follow polite society growing up. People, especially children, should be seen and not hear. Bonus points if you know where that is from. People don’t want the truth. People want happy. People want acceptance. People want to be right. I can’t give them that. I try, but I usually avoid saying anything in order to avoid saying my truth.

Now, keep in mind that I am saying “my truth”, not “the truth”. I do not claim to be right, but I am me. And I wish I could speak my truth more often. Sometimes I feel burdened by all of the thoughts and people in my head, but other times I feel more enlightened.

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Sara Bareilles