anxiety, depression, emotions, Motivation

Dumb

I hate feeling dumb or stupid. I work hard to keep my brain sharp and to look for ways to increase my knowledge on subjects.

I didn’t go to college when I finished high school. My anxiety could not handle the move to a place where no one would know me. My depression could not deal with going into a classroom consistently from week to week while also working full time.

Not going to college has always left me with a tiny feeling of dumbness in the back of my head. In the darkest corners.

With my new job that I started in 2020, I have the opportunity to go to school. It’s completely online. The costs are covered with my union dues. It was a simple thing to say yes.

There have been a few courses, though, that have been really tough. And struggling in school is not something I did growing up. It was easy. School was simple. Now the struggle makes me feel stupid. Dumb even. It is hard.

Now, I know that I am not stupid or dumb. I do not need anyone to tell me that. My depression needs to hear it though and I grow tired of talking to my depression and explaining things. I am not asking you to say I’m smart or beautiful. I just want you to know why I am sometimes hard on myself and others for not knowing something.

depression, emotions, Motivation

Older

I am older today than I was yesterday. It seems like such an amazing thing to say you are alive and another day older. Yet, there are those, especially in the gay community, that view that age as a disability. I am not just another day older. I am a figment of an ancient past. An artifact to be tossed in a museum.

The fight to be relevant in the gay community ended decades ago for me. I just do not care. I am not going to be a certain way or dress a certain way. I am not going to like something just because the community has embraced.

I like my gay bars. Community bars just aren’t the same. The protection and safety are not there. The younger generations may not understand the need for protection and safety when it comes to going out since the country has evolved quite a bit, especially in major cities.

I may be old and I may be an artifact, but Zeus was never a spring chicken either, baby.

depression

Cleaning

I want to start a non-profit cleaning service for people with major depressive disorder. I don’t have the energy though. Or the money. Or the desire to clean.

I am certain that there could be government funding for this. Plus fundraising.

People with MDD get in periods where everything is impossible and you have to choose between putting on pants or doing the dishes. Between showering or cleaning the bathroom. Trash can pile up. And the worse things get, the more overwhelming it gets.

depression, word of the day

Talisman

Well this word of the day is just fine and dandy. Do you read Stephen King novels? Do you like his fantasy style? Then you will love the book called The Talisman that is co-authored with Peter Straub. The basic idea is that we all have a twin in a parallel world called a Twinner.

Surprisingly, I have only read this book twice. I read the original when it came out and then I read the original again when the sequel came out. Thanks to Merriam-Webster making this the word of the day, I just found out that Amblin Partners is planning to make this into a series on Netflix. I can not wait!

Any way. From Merriam-Webster

What It Means

talisman is something that is believed to have magic powers and to bring good fortune.

depression, word of the day

Jovial

Jovial means “markedly good-humored” and describes people and things that are cheerful or full of joy. Merriam-Webster

I hope you all have a great holiday that is jovial and stress-free. Today is a day to remember our country’s history while being thankful that we made it another year.

depression, word of the day

Feign

Feign means “to give a false appearance of something.” Merriam-Webster dictionary

I often feign happiness. I don’t want people to see me when I’m struggling. A little joke here, an inappropriate comment there, and the diversion is complete.

I think most people with Depression will understand the word of the day today. While they may not use the word, it most likely applies to them.

I started the word of the day posts in the hopes that I would get better about posting.

word of the day

Roister

Roister means “to engage in noisy partying or celebration.”

The holidays are upon us. The word of the day, roister, is appropriate this week. I don’t usually do much for Thanksgiving, but this year I am going out of town with friends. We rented an Airbnb away from the city. The six of us will definitely roister on Thursday evening.

word of the day

Facetious

Facetious means “joking often inappropriately” or “meant to be humorous or funny.” It usually describes something said or done as being annoying, silly, or improper.

Today’s word of the day is facetious. When I was at brunch the other day, this guy was telling a story. He was being so facetious, but we cracked up anyway.

word of the day

Grisly

Grisly means “causing horror or intense fear.”

My word of the day is grisly.

The 2021 elections were a grisly reminder of the fight for our country and our democracy. The 2021 election shows that fear can be used to keep Americans from voting in their best interest.

Grisly is a perfect word for the last year and the next.

depression, Motivation

Appointment

I have a confession to make. I have an appointment with a psychologist. I think I’m ready to try and move another step forward. It is so easy to say that I’m good. I don’t need to improve. But I do.

I want to build a craft area where I can make and perfect my bath and body products. I want to finalize the name of the LLC that I’m going to start and create a logo. I want my friends and colleagues to think of me when they are buying small gifts for people.

I want more.

Change is hard though. Some of my steps forward have been disastrous. I lost a few friends and acquaintances during one of those steps. I don’t mind. I know I’m difficult. I just have to remember that these appointments and these steps forward have consequences outside of me. That’s why it’s hard to do this.

But I am doing this.

I am taking the next step.

I have an appointment.