Author: Zander Maverick

My name is Zander. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was a young kid. I spent most of my life ashamed of this and hid it from everyone the best I could. Today, I am no longer ashamed and I want to be sure that others can get out from under the stigma of mental health issues. This is my little piece of the world.
depression, emotions

Tap

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Tap. Tap.

The sound of tapping can be so loud and irritating or almost impossible to hear.

The sound of a demon tapping on your soul is painful and screeching. The sound of the kitty tapping on your arm to get scritches is ever so quiet. The sound of me tapping out is but a whisper.

Being gay has defined me and my life since I was a child. I was teased as a child. I was bullied in school. I was fired from jobs. I had cars drive by me throwing beer bottles at me while calling me a faggot. I was discharged from the nuclear engineering program in the United States Navy even though I had one of the highest scores. I was disowned and unfriended.

After 40 plus years, the world still sees me as a faggot. And now, the gay community sees me as an old, fat queen. I am tired. I am so very tired of fighting for everyone and everything.

The country has made a major decision and I am not wanted. I get that so I am tapping out. I will curl up with a good book in California and enjoy solitary life with my husband. I will watch the country and the world fall apart and maybe even burn. I have ten years before I get to retire to and tell this country to suck my faggoty dick. I hate that word, like I am some kind of cigarette to be smoked. But there it is from my lips finally.

Tap. Tap.

That is the sound of me tapping out. It is someone else’s turn to fight for marriage rights when the Supreme Court overturns the law. It is someone else’s turn to fight for the right to be in the military. It is someone else’s turn.

Tap.

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Uncategorized

Sandman

Posted on by Zander Maverick

You must know that this post is going to include lyrics. I mean, come on. Sandman?

But I need you to read these lyrics because they are very relevant today. We are in the midst of chaos and hell. Sanity has gone out the window. We are in a fight for our souls. Our lives. Our ability to be. There is something wrong.

If I die before I wake, pray to Pan my soul to take.

Something’s wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren’t of Snow White
Dreams of war, dreams of liars
Dreams of dragon’s fire
And of things that will bite, yeah

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
We’re off to never-never land, yeah

Now I lay me down to sleep (now I lay me down to sleep)
Pray the Lord my soul to keep (pray the Lord my soul to keep)
If I die before I wake (if I die before I wake)
Pray the Lord my soul to take (pray the Lord my soul to take)
Hush, little baby, don’t say a word
And never mind that noise you heard
It’s just the beasts under your bed
In your closet, in your head

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anxiety, depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Life

Posted on by Zander Maverick

For those of you in the world that do not know me, my first concert was Slippery When Wet. Does that change your view of me?

Like Frankie said, I did it my way

It’s my life. Tomorrow’s getting harder, make no mistake
Luck ain’t enough, you’ve got to make your own breaks

You better stand tall when they’re calling you out
Don’t bend, don’t break, baby, don’t back down

#bonjovi #itsmylife

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depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Young

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Just like my ex, the term young has so many beautiful memories. The 90s. The 2000s. The single years. My love. Cheers to our previous lives. Our old selves. Our histories.

I know I used to be crazy
I know I used to be fun
You say I used to be wild
I say I used to be young

You tell me time has done changed me
That’s fine, I’ve had a good run
I know I used to be crazy
That’s ’cause I used to be young

Take one, pour it out
It’s not worth crying ’bout the things you can’t erase
Like tattoos and regrets
Words I never meant and ones that got away

Left my living fast somewhere in the past
And took another road
Turns out crowded rooms empty out as soon
There’s somewhere else to go, oh

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Uncategorized

Death Becomes Me

Posted on by Zander Maverick

You know I love my one word headlines, but I am a little needy tonight.

Dear reader. I am sorry that you met me. I have a curse that is running rampant through my body and my life. You, I fear, are next.

I need to give you some lyrics before I get too serious. I mean, I’m not a monster.

Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you
I drink too much and that’s an issue, but I’m okay
Hey, you tell your friends it was nice to meet them
But I hope I never see them again

I know it breaks your heart
Moved to the city in a broke-down car…

I know that this song is meant to be fun, but it is true. I was fine before I met you. All of you. Any of you. I was broken then and I am broken now. Knowing you hasn’t change anything

Now, I hear you. Take a breath. I am not saying you haven’t been an amazing part of my life. We have fun. We have love. We have all of those great feelings that normal people are supposed to have. But. One thing. Just a little bitty thing.

Do you know where I am going?

I am tired. I am so tired. I love you. I love my people. But, I’m tired. I am not able to take the strain of everybody’s life and love and hell. I am a finite being that needs to rest and recover from you and yours.

What’s in your head? There is tiredness and distress in mine. I love some people, but right now, death becomes me.

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depression, emotions, Motivation

Vision

Posted on by Zander Maverick

There are so many things that we take for granted in life. My vision has been bad for most of my life. I started wearing glasses in the 7th grade. I think I was 11 at the time. Of course I was teased by the other kids. I tried to pretend they weren’t real glasses. They were just a disguise!

Over the last 40+ years, that stigmatism about wearing glasses faded to basically nothing. People wear glasses. I wear glasses. It was just one of those things.

People that don’t wear glasses do no realize how different it can be with glasses. Sometimes I have to take them off because I am spending too much time reading small print. Some times I have to take them off because the sun is too bright and the glasses make it worse.

What does this have to do with Depression? Not much I guess. Except it does. Every little disadvantage that you have is a weapon that Depression can use against you. Like, bitch, you can even see. How successful are you going to be when the world is ending and you can’t find your damn glasses?

Well, I am here to say that I won’t be needing my glasses much longer. That will be one less bullet that Depression has for me.

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depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Angry2

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Yes. I know that you are angry. You had a fun night and now you wish to bury that knowledge. You wish to brush off your accountability. That night didn’t happen. I get it. I know it. I feel it.

But, porque, it did.

In our country, it’s so easy to blame others for our demise. For our struggles. We can’t accept responsibility. If it weren’t for those meddling kids, we would have gotten away with a better life.

I’m angry.

And I don’t wanna be a monster in the making
I don’t wanna be more bitter than sweet
I don’t know how to be just standing by blankly
Not getting angry

Lola Blanc

I’m not a monster. We are on a journey together. That journey has ups and downs, but those are neither your fault nor mine.

I’m angry. You don’t get to blame me for the skeletons in your head.

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Fault

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Yes. It’s my fault.

Does that give you cover? Does your conscience feel better? Are your loved ones relieved?

It is absolutely my fault that you did that shot. It is my fault that you had another drink, that, let’s be honest, you probably didn’t need. It’s my fault that you stayed out past 8pm. That wine tasting? Yep. My fault.

For most of my life, my name has been Aleczander Lourd Maverick and I have been the cause of your fun, your happiness, your regrets, your marital issues, your bathroom experiences. Yes. I am that Aleczander Lourd Maverick.

I am a god of mischief and drinking and sex in the bathroom and lost music and marital disputes and Stephen King. I am. Whatever you need to tell yourself, I am. Just know that as my friend, I support you. I love you. But I am not making your decisions.

My name is Aleczander Lourd Maverick and I approve this message.

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depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Brave

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I was watching a new show and this song came on. It has a heartful tone with haunting lyrics. I love the part about being brave doesn’t always mean winning and moving on. Sometimes it means letting the darkness swallow you so that you can reemerge as a phoenix. A phoenix on fire.

… I am unfolding, I am not holding on
Shattered in pieces, I am the broken one
If you only knew the chaos inside my head
Wish that I could run but I’m just not ready yet

… Just let me hurt a little longer
I’m in a war with no armor
Need to cry an ocean before I’m stronger
Just let me hurt a little longer
Just let me hurt a little longer

… Don’t need a rescue, don’t want a lifeline
I need to crumble, cannot save me this time
Used to think that being brave just meant moving on
Now I sink into the pain until it’s all gonе

Let Me Hurt – Emily Rowed

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anxiety, depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Death

Posted on by Zander Maverick

As I lay here dying from the plague, I wonder. How do we know when we die? Do we get a little tap on the should? Does something scurry up and tell us that we need to stop and move on? Are there lights or flowers or rages or even storms?

Death is a many sided sword with more meanings than we can think of together. The word death can be rearranged to be The Ad or Hated. Well, what if I just hated the ad that played? Is that death?

As I lay here with my foot on fire, screaming in pain, I wonder. Did my life choices bring me to this point? Was I supposed to be here or did I drag myself here by the ear? Doctors like to tell us that we are what we eat or something. But, now hear me out, what if a fairy or sprite decided to change my fate and bit my foot. Was that always meant to be or was that a course correction?

Fate, like Death, is a many sided sword. We can debate fate all day and never dig past the outer core of the meaning.

As I sit here in my chair writing this, I need you to tell me why. This isn’t nothing but a heartache to try and figure out. As I sit here in my chair, my lungs full of plague, my sinus stuffed with blackness, my foot larger than life and twice as sore, I wonder. How do we know when we die?

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