depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Bullets

I heard a song recently and it got stuck in my head. I was excited because I thought I was on to a 70’s or 80’s song. I don’t usually get those in my head. I thought it even might be David Bowie (please don’t hate me)

But it wasn’t any of that. The song was from 2017. And I hate myself. It’s almost as bad as that time that I found out I loved a song by Justin Bieber. This time, though, it wasn’t quite as bad. It was Harry Styles.

Here we go with Sign of the Times from some Brit dude that is way too young for me to be looking at.

If we never learn, we been here before
Why are we always stuck and running from
The bullets?
The bullets
We never learn, we been here before
Why are we always stuck and running from
The bullets?
The bullets

Just stop your crying
It’s a sign of the times
We gotta get away from here
We gotta get away from here
Just stop your crying
It’ll be alright
They told me that the end is near
We gotta get away from here

I really don’t want to live in a world where so many fucking value guns over life… the life of children. My head hurts, my soul cries, my brain cannot handle…

depression, emotions

Pride2022

June is Pride month. I am doing my best this year, but I don’t have a lot of pride this year. Let’s be honest here. The last two years I have gotten older. I have gained weight. I have been spending most of my time at a desk for work or for school. Apparently I have outdated ideas for how to celebrate Pride.

I have not seen the extent of the ageism in the LGBTQIA+ community until recently. I was not a pioneer of the Pride movement, and there was an entire generation before me. I have, however, pushed and screamed to get equality. I dreamed of having a wedding where I walked down the aisle in an outfit with the top half being a tuxedo and the bottom half being a sprawling wedding gown. Black of course.

The time was not right, though. I did not have a lot of openly gay idols. I typically stuck with my divas like Madonna, Tina Turner, and, of course, my idol, Cyndi Lauper. I remember in high school when I waited until after first period, which was wood shop, to run to the bathroom and use temporary dye to put orange and yellow streaks in my hair. I remember having the checkerboard shaved into the side of my head. But, and here is where my origin story music would start, I was bullied. I was knocked down. I was tossed against the locker. I was fucking weird.

I left home at 17 to get out and find the world. I spent the summer with my oldest brother to visit and get advice on school. I enrolled at a university but at the last minute, I dropped out. What if life at that university was the same as my high school? I would be all alone in a city of millions of people and no one to turn to. No one to go home to.

I made some friends in the town that I was in. Obviously I moved out of my brother’s place. But I stayed there. My friends loved me and we had fun, but I wasn’t honest with them yet. That was to come. That is another story for October.

I finally came out by accident. That’s a story for an afternoon at the bar. So many mimosas needed for those stories.

I joined the Navy. I was going to be a Nuclear Submarine Engineer, but Clinton signed the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell law. That is yet another story for another time, but I got booted.

As I look over my life and my experiences, the bullying, the gay bashing, the beatings, the drive-by beer bottle tosses, I can’t help but think that I deserve my place in the community. As I look for ways to celebrate and show our Pride, I keep getting the “that’s for old people” or “we don’t really do that anymore” or “how old are you?”.

And now, as we are approaching SF Pride, and as we are wrapping up the Pride month, I am tired again. This time, though, it’s not the same people pushing me down. This time, it’s different and I just don’t have the energy to fight today.

So, Happy Pride. Celebrate. Be yourself. Love yourself. Call me if you are feeling low or down or bad. You don’t have to be alone, but I am not going out to be there in the moments of Pride.

depression, Motivation, Sleep

Vacation

When I go on vacation, my depression goes with me. I don’t have the option to leave it at home. But there is something about being on vacation that helps to reduce the effects of my depression. Maybe it is because I am doing so much or walking more or just spending so much time outdoors.

If you like to schedule your vacation with a hard list of things to do and times to do them, you won’t like me as a companion. I want to do all the things and I want to see all the things. I want to eat all the things. But remember, my depression is with me. I don’t get to decide everything.

I love travelling with people and I love vacations. Please invite me with you. But please understand that my limitations don’t end just because I’m on vacation.

anxiety, depression, Motivation

Healthy

Sometimes I hate people that don’t suffer from depression or anxiety. These illnesses cause so many issues, but those issues are invisible.

Do you actually think that I want to lay around all day? Well, I don’t. I want to get up and do the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning. I want to get up and make my home look beautiful. But that’s not in the cards for me.

I want to build my bath and body products. Even if I only give them as gifts. I want to go out for walks or go bicycling. Most days, though, that’s not in the cards.

So that makes me lazy, uninvolved, or sloppy. I get it. Sorry for the rant but my brain has been yelling at me about this for a bit and I need to get it out.

depression, Motivation, Sleep

DST

Daylight Saving Time is here yet again. The week of the time change is hard on me mentally. My depression loves the two weeks that we do this.

I am not sure if it’s the lack of sleep on the one night or just the change in general. I struggle to get out of bed. I struggle to make it through my days. I struggle.

Every year, I reach out to my Senators in the Spring and Autumn about this. Every year I am ignored. Until this year. We actually have a chance to stop the time changes. The Senate, which is deeply divided on everything, passed the resolution to switch to DST next Spring and then stay there.

There is hope in every situation. Sometimes it’s hard to see after so many failures, but keep looking.

anxiety, depression, emotions, Motivation

Dumb

I hate feeling dumb or stupid. I work hard to keep my brain sharp and to look for ways to increase my knowledge on subjects.

I didn’t go to college when I finished high school. My anxiety could not handle the move to a place where no one would know me. My depression could not deal with going into a classroom consistently from week to week while also working full time.

Not going to college has always left me with a tiny feeling of dumbness in the back of my head. In the darkest corners.

With my new job that I started in 2020, I have the opportunity to go to school. It’s completely online. The costs are covered with my union dues. It was a simple thing to say yes.

There have been a few courses, though, that have been really tough. And struggling in school is not something I did growing up. It was easy. School was simple. Now the struggle makes me feel stupid. Dumb even. It is hard.

Now, I know that I am not stupid or dumb. I do not need anyone to tell me that. My depression needs to hear it though and I grow tired of talking to my depression and explaining things. I am not asking you to say I’m smart or beautiful. I just want you to know why I am sometimes hard on myself and others for not knowing something.

depression, emotions, Motivation

Older

I am older today than I was yesterday. It seems like such an amazing thing to say you are alive and another day older. Yet, there are those, especially in the gay community, that view that age as a disability. I am not just another day older. I am a figment of an ancient past. An artifact to be tossed in a museum.

The fight to be relevant in the gay community ended decades ago for me. I just do not care. I am not going to be a certain way or dress a certain way. I am not going to like something just because the community has embraced.

I like my gay bars. Community bars just aren’t the same. The protection and safety are not there. The younger generations may not understand the need for protection and safety when it comes to going out since the country has evolved quite a bit, especially in major cities.

I may be old and I may be an artifact, but Zeus was never a spring chicken either, baby.

depression

Cleaning

I want to start a non-profit cleaning service for people with major depressive disorder. I don’t have the energy though. Or the money. Or the desire to clean.

I am certain that there could be government funding for this. Plus fundraising.

People with MDD get in periods where everything is impossible and you have to choose between putting on pants or doing the dishes. Between showering or cleaning the bathroom. Trash can pile up. And the worse things get, the more overwhelming it gets.

depression, word of the day

Talisman

Well this word of the day is just fine and dandy. Do you read Stephen King novels? Do you like his fantasy style? Then you will love the book called The Talisman that is co-authored with Peter Straub. The basic idea is that we all have a twin in a parallel world called a Twinner.

Surprisingly, I have only read this book twice. I read the original when it came out and then I read the original again when the sequel came out. Thanks to Merriam-Webster making this the word of the day, I just found out that Amblin Partners is planning to make this into a series on Netflix. I can not wait!

Any way. From Merriam-Webster

What It Means

talisman is something that is believed to have magic powers and to bring good fortune.

depression, word of the day

Jovial

Jovial means “markedly good-humored” and describes people and things that are cheerful or full of joy. Merriam-Webster

I hope you all have a great holiday that is jovial and stress-free. Today is a day to remember our country’s history while being thankful that we made it another year.