anxiety, depression, emotions

AllApologies

As I am sure you know by now, I suffer from MDD. One of the many fun tricks of this is that I have a warped sense of the effects of my actions and interactions with other people. Whether this means I think a close friend hates me because of something I said or did, or I think the bartender wants to jump me in the alley, it causes an alternate universe in my mind.

When these things happen, I have an over-inflated idea of how this affects the other person. But to start, lets be honest. These things happen to me multiple times a day. Maybe I forgot your name. Maybe I asked you about something. Maybe I was rude. Maybe I was too nice. There are so many maybes here.

What I am trying to get at is that I am often feeling like I need to apologize. This need to apologize is most likely just in my head. In most cases, the other person does not remember the incident or has completely forgotten that. If you are dear to me, I may apologize weeks, months, or even years later. When that happens, please take the apology and forgive me if this isn’t an issue for you. If I’m apologizing, it’s obviously an issue for me and may have haunted my brain for months or longer.

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I’ll take all the blame
Aqua sea foam shame

I don’t like many people. If I like you enough to apologize for something that means absolutely nothing to you, take that as a compliment instead of making it into a mountain.

depression, Motivation

Failure

I do not do well with failure. I am sure that is not a surprise coming from someone with MDD. I recently tried to put together a kit of bath and body items for an event. One of the items was something that I had not tried before. I was confident in my research so much that I bought a case of dispensers.

The new product idea failed so miserably that it cost me hours of my life. I did not think to make one and be done. Check it out. I went balls to the walls with the idea because I wanted to make one of my first big outings during the pandemic an amazing experience. I wanted to make up for the mask wearing and social distancing.

I had to dispose of a dozen bottles. The entire case of bottles were no longer useful.

This one time though. Not often, but this one time, I was able to make myself get back up and keep going. I drained all of the bottles back into my mixing bowl and created a new idea. I added my other products and BAM I had some good gift bags. I was proud of myself.

And the the tags fell off FFS!

Sometimes I hate doing nice things for people, but in the end, it is worth it to see the smile on their face. Even if they threw the bag in trash when they got home.

depression, Motivation

Trickster

Depression can be tricky, but there are days that Loki has nothing on the monster in my head. Some days my depression convinces me that taking my medications is too much work. I should just keep reading my book, playing my game, watching my show, or whatnot. Anything but getting up and going to take my medications. I mean, they don’t really work anyway, right?

On a side note, I keep trying to find a name for my depression. Saying MDD, or major depressive disorder seems to clinical. Saying depression seems like I’m sad or a white girl that can’t get a PSL. I wonder. Is it a monster? A beast? Should I find a name like George? Do you have a name for your depression?

I find myself getting stuck inside of my head more often. Whether I am working or playing a game on my phone or watching a show, my mind is often somewhere else. My depression does a pretty good job of distracting me like a close friend at a holiday party distracting me from the shots table. Or the host.

I spend most of my day alone because I am currently telecommuting. I chat; I text; I email; I whatnot. These things do not put me or keep me outside of my comfort zone. I need the rush of anxiety when I go to the busy city. I need the loud bar or club with people all around (as long as they aren’t touching me). I need the bass vibrating my chest like a pulse gone wild. I need connections, but I don’t have the energy or the strength to keep them.

Depression is an awful thing. When depression tricks me into not taking my antidepressants? That is just evil in disguise.

depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Stumble

I’m watching this show Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist. I laugh because I can be as “crazy” as her. Often times I bring music into situations and thoughts without letting others know. It’s hard to keep up with me if you don’t know the soundtrack.

This last episode A Great Big World with Christina Aguilera in Say Something. I have to say, though, that I agree with Zoey. Even with scruffy, hairy chested, chef-o-rama Max, sometimes people will never understand because they can’t hear your soundtrack.

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

depression, Motivation

Crutches

We all need crutches from time to time, but it seems like people that need crutches because of depression get stigmatized more.

Sometimes it’s the little things that are the most difficult for me. It’s the every day decisions. For example, when you think about making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you probably think about getting the bread, jelly, peanut butter, and a knife to whip it together.

For me, making that same sandwich means walking into the kitchen. Open the fridge and grab the jelly. Walk to the cabinet, open the door and grab the peanut butter. Walk to the other cabinet, open it and grab bread. Walk to the drawer, pull it open and grab a butter knife. Walk to yet another freaking cabinet, open the door and grab a plate. Set everything down on the counter.

Do you see where I’m going with this? I hope so because those instructions are overwhelming me and I’m just typing them.

When a person without depression looks at tasks, they take a lot of steps for granted, which makes it look simple. As a person that has major depressive disorder, my brain creates at least five times the number of steps. If you throw in decisions like which type of jelly… I’m done.

Do you walk up to a person with a cane in the parking lot to tell them that it’s so easy to walk from the car to store without a cane? I hope you don’t. So when you know someone suffers from Depression, try to avoid phrases like “but it’s so easy if you just” or “you don’t need all of that. Just…”

Uncategorized

Fine

I’m fine. Don’t worry.

Everything is great. No need to worry.

I’m okay. Just tired.

If you suffer from Depression, you know these phrases well. You are constantly reassuring the people around you that everything is fine. Why do we do it? Because there isn’t anything they can do to help, so why make them feel bad.

Most of the time, you will not be able to see when something is wrong. That is from a lifetime of experience and practice. If you think you see something off, chances are things are worse than usual. If you see clear signs that something is wrong, you probably want to intervene. I don’t have many strong signs, but when my hands cover my ears, it means the voices are deafening. My head is so loud that I can’t think. In order to push past my depression, I have to be sharp.

That’s the catch-22. If I’ve gotten to that point, I can’t fix it. I have to wait it out. I need people to understand that I can’t make decisions or have meaningful conversations. I can’t be witty and pretty. I just can’t.

Luckily for me, those extreme episodes are rare or short-lived.

When people suffer from Depression, they get a bit cutoff from their support because it’s really hard to understand what we are going through. Sometimes simple tasks like making a decision or just too damn hard.

depression, emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Hole

Back before the internet, well before the world wide web maybe, I spent years looking for a song by Cyndi Lauper. The song was from Vibes. If you haven’t seen that movie, stop, drop, and roll that video.

This hole in my heart that goes all the way to China…

I sometimes feel as if something is missing inside of me. Like a hole within me. I know that it’s my depression messing with my head, but I’m always trying to fill that hole. Usually with alcohol and loud music and wild times. Sometimes, though, I find a passion that fills that hole, even if only for a short period.

2020 has been a devastating year. So many people have lost their lives, their jobs, their homes, their livelihoods. It’s too depressing to try and wrap my brain around the amount of loss and misery that has occurred this year.

But for me, not so much. I changed jobs this year and not a month too soon. I got promoted at this job that I was only at for 8 months. I have an amazing husband that is always near me, making sure I stay on my feet. I learned how to cook this year. Not boxed foods or frozen foods; I legit learned how to cook.

So many horrible things have happened to almost everyone, but I’ve had a good year overall. Now, though, that hole is back. I’m getting lost looking for a way to fill that hole. Did 2020 finally do me in or am I just feeling guilty and letting my empathy take the pain of others?

I don’t know. I wish I did. I do know that something needs to change. I need a spark, a light, a flame, a new year. Something. Luckily, I have the support system I need to fall on my face and get back up again. I know that I can get back up again and that is an amazing feeling. Now if only I could skip this hole in my heart.

anxiety

Hands

Is it just me? When my anxiety is high, my hands seem to have an excess of energy. They want to flop about like a fish out of water. Whether it’s rubbing my hands together, snapping, or just random hand movements, I find it weird. Am I alone in this?

You will also notice this with my running my hand through my hair, but that can also be because my scalp itches. That is not as good of a sign than my rambling hands.

I often won’t notice my weird quirks until someone points them out to me. As it so happens, my husband loves to point out quirks and ask me why. Eh, I say. I didn’t notice.

anxiety, Sleep

Dreams

Sometimes my dreams cause a surge in my anxiety levels. When this happens, I wake up in a panic. Then I realize that I don’t know what I am panicking about so I start having a panic attack.

These are days that I rarely make it through without help. Sometimes it aligns with my days off so I can just have a mimosa or two. Nobody judges you for alcohol in the late morning if it’s mimosas.

Other days it doesn’t line up to my days off. These are the hard ones. I can’t exactly pop the bubbly at work. My antidepressants don’t take the edge off. I just run amok like a chicken with its head cutoff until I can get home and curl up in bed with a book.

I need to find something that takes away that edge that isn’t alcohol. My mind is too busy and too loud to meditate effectively.

depression, Song Lyrics

Darkness

As the sun sets, darkness falls. The once quite landscape is filled with noises that one cannot quite make out. Danger lurks in the corners.

This is my mind.

When darkness falls, will you still see the true colors of my mind?

Cyndi Lauper:

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

[Whisper:] Can’t remember, when I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
True colors are shining through

I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow