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Fine

I’m fine. Don’t worry.

Everything is great. No need to worry.

I’m okay. Just tired.

If you suffer from Depression, you know these phrases well. You are constantly reassuring the people around you that everything is fine. Why do we do it? Because there isn’t anything they can do to help, so why make them feel bad.

Most of the time, you will not be able to see when something is wrong. That is from a lifetime of experience and practice. If you think you see something off, chances are things are worse than usual. If you see clear signs that something is wrong, you probably want to intervene. I don’t have many strong signs, but when my hands cover my ears, it means the voices are deafening. My head is so loud that I can’t think. In order to push past my depression, I have to be sharp.

That’s the catch-22. If I’ve gotten to that point, I can’t fix it. I have to wait it out. I need people to understand that I can’t make decisions or have meaningful conversations. I can’t be witty and pretty. I just can’t.

Luckily for me, those extreme episodes are rare or short-lived.

When people suffer from Depression, they get a bit cutoff from their support because it’s really hard to understand what we are going through. Sometimes simple tasks like making a decision or just too damn hard.

depression, emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Hole

Back before the internet, well before the world wide web maybe, I spent years looking for a song by Cyndi Lauper. The song was from Vibes. If you haven’t seen that movie, stop, drop, and roll that video.

This hole in my heart that goes all the way to China…

I sometimes feel as if something is missing inside of me. Like a hole within me. I know that it’s my depression messing with my head, but I’m always trying to fill that hole. Usually with alcohol and loud music and wild times. Sometimes, though, I find a passion that fills that hole, even if only for a short period.

2020 has been a devastating year. So many people have lost their lives, their jobs, their homes, their livelihoods. It’s too depressing to try and wrap my brain around the amount of loss and misery that has occurred this year.

But for me, not so much. I changed jobs this year and not a month too soon. I got promoted at this job that I was only at for 8 months. I have an amazing husband that is always near me, making sure I stay on my feet. I learned how to cook this year. Not boxed foods or frozen foods; I legit learned how to cook.

So many horrible things have happened to almost everyone, but I’ve had a good year overall. Now, though, that hole is back. I’m getting lost looking for a way to fill that hole. Did 2020 finally do me in or am I just feeling guilty and letting my empathy take the pain of others?

I don’t know. I wish I did. I do know that something needs to change. I need a spark, a light, a flame, a new year. Something. Luckily, I have the support system I need to fall on my face and get back up again. I know that I can get back up again and that is an amazing feeling. Now if only I could skip this hole in my heart.

anxiety

Hands

Is it just me? When my anxiety is high, my hands seem to have an excess of energy. They want to flop about like a fish out of water. Whether it’s rubbing my hands together, snapping, or just random hand movements, I find it weird. Am I alone in this?

You will also notice this with my running my hand through my hair, but that can also be because my scalp itches. That is not as good of a sign than my rambling hands.

I often won’t notice my weird quirks until someone points them out to me. As it so happens, my husband loves to point out quirks and ask me why. Eh, I say. I didn’t notice.

anxiety, Sleep

Dreams

Sometimes my dreams cause a surge in my anxiety levels. When this happens, I wake up in a panic. Then I realize that I don’t know what I am panicking about so I start having a panic attack.

These are days that I rarely make it through without help. Sometimes it aligns with my days off so I can just have a mimosa or two. Nobody judges you for alcohol in the late morning if it’s mimosas.

Other days it doesn’t line up to my days off. These are the hard ones. I can’t exactly pop the bubbly at work. My antidepressants don’t take the edge off. I just run amok like a chicken with its head cutoff until I can get home and curl up in bed with a book.

I need to find something that takes away that edge that isn’t alcohol. My mind is too busy and too loud to meditate effectively.

depression, Song Lyrics

Darkness

As the sun sets, darkness falls. The once quite landscape is filled with noises that one cannot quite make out. Danger lurks in the corners.

This is my mind.

When darkness falls, will you still see the true colors of my mind?

Cyndi Lauper:

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

[Whisper:] Can’t remember, when I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
True colors are shining through

I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

anxiety, depression

Happy

I was happy today. It was strange.

I don’t mean I was happy that it was Friday; or I was happy that the weekend was starting. I wasn’t necessarily happy about something. I was just…. happy.

It is not uncommon for me to be happy about something, but I am usually stressed while being happy about ABC or frustrated but happy the weekend is here. To be just happy, that doesn’t happy often. I actually had to look deep inside to figure out what I was feeling because it has been so long.

When you are happy and you know it, treasure it. It’s important to be happy about this or that, but it’s also important to just be happy.

anxiety, depression, Motivation

Flashback

I have these songs that freeze me in time. When I hear them again, I’m thrown back into that day. For better or worse, I’m there. These songs and moments can make me laugh or make me cry. The songs can make me dance or make me vogue.

I love music. There are songs that cause goosebumps all over my body. There’s a name for that, but that’s another time. I don’t listen to music all of the time because I can get lost in it and lose track of time. When I’m at work, this is not a good thing.

I don’t remember what I had for dinner 7 days ago but I remember the guy I had a crush on in high school when Everything I do, I do for You comes on. I remember the heartache of rejection that happened only in my mind. The course of life changing because my brain told me so.

I remember musicals that aren’t very fun, when people would sing the (loudly) in my apartment well after midnight. Those moments make me laugh and sigh because I am fond of those people but lord those same songs over and over.

When a song comes on, if you see my eyes glaze over, just know that it’s one of the songs that gives me a flashback.

anxiety, depression, emotions

Haunted

I am often haunted by the past. With some things, it’s a nearly non-stop haunt. With other things, it’s something popping up after months or even years. This is depression. This is my brain turning against me.

Sometime people ask me what prompted a post. I can’t always answer that. Sometimes it’s because I’m not in the moment anymore and the haunting is forgotten. That is why I keep this blog. I don’t need the exact details, just the feeling of those hauntings.

Other times I won’t answer what prompted the post. The goal of my blog and my posts is to give you an overview of the day in the life of someone suffering from Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). There will be times that I get specific, but I don’t need you that far into my brain. I don’t think you would like it either.

So feel free to comment and chat. If you need to ask questions, go ahead. I will answer them… maybe. It depends on where my haunting has left me.

depression

Wrong

Do you ever open up to someone and get rejected? It’s more than hard. It can terrorize you for years. Being seen as wrong is hard. You have to learn to get past that. Not everyone can understand you and your worth.

My brain doesn’t work like other people. That applies to daytime and the night. It takes a lot for me to open up. Very few people get this privilege. Most of them aren’t here.

Anxiety and depression control so many more things than my mood or happiness. My ideas of right and wrong,; my ideas of happy and sad; my ideas of sex and love; it’s all controlled. I’m different. I’m wrong.

The gay community is so very “diverse” and “open”. Anything goes. Well, as long as you fit the role. Tops are hung and bottoms are whores. That’s the story. That’s the role. Don’t try to add dimension to those roles. Don’t try to think. You’ll be wrong.

I’m wrong. I am very wrong. And it tears my heart and soul into pieces every time someone tells me.

depression, Motivation

Little

It’s the little things that are breaking me these days. I spent 10 minutes completing the prep work for a dinner meal kit only to discover the chicken was bad. It broke me. I was devastated. This should have been a minor inconvenience, but I retreated to my bedroom to escape the world.

I am not easily broken when it comes to a lot things, but sometimes my anxiety and depression work as a trojan horse that makes a small issue into life draining issue. These small setbacks can keep me from trying for days or weeks.

More often than not these days, I’m lazing about on the couch or the bed either playing video games or watching television. I don’t have the oomph to go outside and walk about. I used to walk down to the dry cleaners or CVS on the weekends. Now it’s a struggle to walk up the stairs at home.

There are a million little things that don’t bother me everyday, but it only takes one little, tiny, targeted thing to destroy my motivation. I spent years going to therapy and then taking meds to get away from that, but the quarantine has set me back years in my progress.