anxiety, depression

Battles

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have battles going on in my mind and body. Today I want to talk about the one affecting me the most. I have arthritis in my hips. One of the best ways to treat this is to become more active and lose weight. That might be fine and dandy for most people, but my depression doesn’t like to be active. My depression wants me in bed or on the couch. Out of the sun. 

A great way to help reduce the depression in my head is to get outside in the sun. Be active. Be engaging. But the arthritis in my feet and hips makes that more difficult. 

Now for the fun part. There is a liquid that I can consume to help reduce the depression and the pain from the arthritis in the short term. But it makes them both worse in the long term. The wonders of alcohol. 

Would this be a catch-22? A catch-33?

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anxiety, depression

Focusing

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Why do I always get stuck focusing on the bad things people do? I get stuck on the rude person or the obnoxious person. Why can’t I see the good that people do? Focus on the person that picked up the item that another person dropped.

I know that a large part of my mental stress is because I tend to get stuck in a loop with the negativity around me. My mind would be a better place if I could train it to seek out and focus on the good in the world. That doesn’t mean turning a blind eye to the evils in this country. That doesn’t mean that I ignore what is wrong. But I really need to get to a point where the stories that are repeating in my head are the good stories. The positive things that people do.

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anxiety, depression, Motivation

Outdoors

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I love being outdoors. I love the peace of being outside of buildings and all the energy they have inside. The breeze can take away bad thoughts and bad vibes. The sun can heal your soul while energizing your mind. The birds in the distance provide a slight distraction for your brain to ensure you don’t get too focused on anything. The scent of spring nourishes the mind. 

Being outdoors is healthy and healing. I need to take advantage of the many parks that I have in my area. I can go for walks or just sit and zone. I could bring a picnic with me.

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Stop

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all know the old saying about stopping to smell the roses. The idea is to stop rushing from place to place and focus on what is around us. The beauty in the rose or the tree. The pleasure of a meal at the local restaurant. Spending time with people even if you don’t do anything. 

I have always felt connected to nature. I struggle with this because the rural areas with most of the nature are either unfriendly to gay men or downright hostile. So I bounce from city to city to city. We have our little parks. We plant trees along the road. But it isn’t the same. 

I am trying to get better at enjoying what I have around me. I am trying to block out the noise. I just worry that this “noise” in our country is going to lead to very serious consequences for us. 

There is beauty in that rose along your path, but only if the noise doesn’t destroy you and your path while you are not watching.

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anxiety, depression

Security

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Safety or Security? Which do you choose? I feel secure that California will protect my human rights. I feel secure that I won’t lose the right to be married to my husband. But I don’t feel safe in Oakland anymore. I don’t feel safe in most of the Bay Area anymore. I am not comfortable riding my bike to the store because I know in the 15 minutes that I am in the store, my bike will get stolen. 

I am visiting my family in Indianapolis this week. I forget how wholesome and safe this place feels. I can sit on the front porch and say high to people walking by. I can walk around at night. I can leave things in my car. But I am not secure here. When the Supreme Court overturns the right to marriage equality, I won’t have my legal marriage anymore.  

I miss having a large home. I miss having a yard and a front porch to sit on. I don’t miss the winters, but I do miss thunderstorms. I miss the openness but not having to rely on a car to get anywhere. (I had to drive 5 miles to get a cup of coffee that wasn’t from a gas station).

My heart hurts. My mind is healing. My soul is comforted. Maybe I just needed to visit again. Maybe living here isn’t the answer. I need a new home. I need a safe space. I need security. Where do I find that?

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Uncategorized

Tethers

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I don’t have a lot of tethers in this world. The lack of empathy drains me. The lack of civility hurts me. If I were not tethered to this world, I would have floated away so very long ago.

There are people out there that needs hundreds of tethers or even, in some cases, thousands of tethers. I am lucky enough to have incredible strong tethers, so I do not need as many. The only downside to that is losing one tether causes more damage to me.

This world is a crazy place. Companions come into our lives just to leave. But so does negativity. Tether yourself to your companions, not the negativity

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Uncategorized

Balance

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We need to have a balance in our life. This includes our friends and our family. Too much negativity or drama can be uncomfortable. At the same time, too much positivity and success can also be uncomfortable.

People aren’t perfect. I’m not. You’re not (unless you are Jensen Ackles). 

We have to put the people in our lives on a scale. We have to ask. When someone is dragging negativity into our lives, we can’t just drop them. We have to balance them. Does the happiness and positivity outweigh the negative?

We are all struggling. We need to stop expecting perfection from each other. We need to take a breath and think about why we are upset by something or someone. Are we sensitive? Are we triggered?

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depression, emotions

Bridges

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Bridges are so ironic. They help to get people from here to there. They cover gaps in pathways. They open up to be more accessible. Bridges are so versatile in their builds.

But bridges also lead to death and destruction. Bridges do no discriminate. Mental health does not discriminate. When you jump off that bridge, the landing spot will not discriminate.

#hashtag #darkturn

How are we supposed to know when our friends or family are suicidal? Do they have a meter on their forehead that shows the level of shit they can no longer deal with? Do they start acting like the world is full of crap and nothing matters? Or do they just welcome what the bridge can bring them?

Suicide is a scary thought for those with normal brains. For others, it’s like breathing. It just happens on a regular basis. I do not really know what people expect from suicidal people though. Do you think they will hop on Facebook and say “Hey! Sunday Fun Day! I am going to jump off the bridge this afternoon, but does anyone want to grab brunch first?”

Death is bitch this way. Depression is a bitch this way. Life is a bitch this way.

#CheckOnYourFriends #MoreOften

*note: I am fine

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depression, emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Tennesse

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all have a journey in front of us. We can take that journey or stay home. We have a choice but not always the tools needed to join the journey. I am thankful that I could go on my journey to California.

#lyrics

I’m up and jaws are on the floor
Lovers in the bathroom and a line outside the door
Blacklights and a mirrored disco ball
Every night’s another reason why I left it all

I thank my wicked dreams
A year from Tennessee
Oh, Santa Monica
You’ve been too good to me
Won’t make my mama proud
It’s gonna cause a scene
She sees her baby girl
I know she’s gonna scream

God, what have you done
You’re a pink pony girl
And you dance at the club
Oh mama, I’m just having fun
On the stage in my heels
It’s where I belong down at the
Pink Pony club

*via Pink Pony Club, Chappell Roan

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