word of the day

Facetious

Facetious means “joking often inappropriately” or “meant to be humorous or funny.” It usually describes something said or done as being annoying, silly, or improper.

Today’s word of the day is facetious. When I was at brunch the other day, this guy was telling a story. He was being so facetious, but we cracked up anyway.

word of the day

Grisly

Grisly means “causing horror or intense fear.”

My word of the day is grisly.

The 2021 elections were a grisly reminder of the fight for our country and our democracy. The 2021 election shows that fear can be used to keep Americans from voting in their best interest.

Grisly is a perfect word for the last year and the next.

depression, Motivation

Appointment

I have a confession to make. I have an appointment with a psychologist. I think I’m ready to try and move another step forward. It is so easy to say that I’m good. I don’t need to improve. But I do.

I want to build a craft area where I can make and perfect my bath and body products. I want to finalize the name of the LLC that I’m going to start and create a logo. I want my friends and colleagues to think of me when they are buying small gifts for people.

I want more.

Change is hard though. Some of my steps forward have been disastrous. I lost a few friends and acquaintances during one of those steps. I don’t mind. I know I’m difficult. I just have to remember that these appointments and these steps forward have consequences outside of me. That’s why it’s hard to do this.

But I am doing this.

I am taking the next step.

I have an appointment.

depression, emotions

Amends

I feel like I am stuck in a nightmare and cannot wake up. I left for my trip to Indiana on Thursday, but I never made it there. I made it to the Dallas Fort Worth airport and then became stuck in a mess of cancellations and bad luck. My flight kept getting delayed over and over until, finally, it was just cancelled. American Airlines sent me a text to book a room, but they only paid for one night. They did not pay for the ride to the hotel. Or the ride back. The rebooked my flight for three days later. On my four day trip.

I made it to the hotel that night to find the handrail in the elevator was not attached to the wall. Simply leaning on the rail caused it to drop off. That was fun. The next morning I realized the sheets had dried blood spots on them. More fun.

I spent the night and half of Friday trying to rebook my trip to get to Indiana on Friday, or even early on Saturday. I finally gave up and asked them to send me home.

After $1,200 and more than 48 hours, I finally made it home. But I can’t get out of this funk that I am in. This darkness keeps wrapping itself around me. What did I do to anger the gods so much? I just do not know.

How do I make amends?

depression, emotions, Uncategorized

Me

Sometimes Google memories will show me a picture of myself and I’m happy and I’m laughing and I wonder, who is that person? How did that happen? But then I think back and my memory reminds me, there have been happy times. I have to remember that.

But when I get into my darkness and my little corner where there’s no light it’s sometimes hard for me to see that person. But luckily for me, Google memories keeps those thoughts close.

Sometimes it’s important to look back to see happier times and happier me. There is a fine line, though, between looking back fondly and getting stuck in the past.

depression

Untoward

My word of the day is Untoward. I feel like the babies and children in the airport have untoward behaviour. Their screaming and running around is not popular with travelers. Many of us are visible annoyed.

When it comes to perceiving other people, I am often too sensitive to what people say and how they say it. Sometimes a person is being friendly, even though I perceive them with untoward behavior. I see and hear anger and annoyance when it’s not really there.

depression, Motivation

Raiment

I thought I would be clever and download a Word of the Day app. I have gotten into the habit of having one word titles on my posts, so why not.

Today’s word is Raiment. That is an old fashioned word for fancy clothing.

Sometimes I like to put on my raiment and walk about to boost my mood. I’m fancy that way.

I’m not sure this is going to work, though. I guess we will see. If it pushes me to at least post more, maybe it will be worth it baby.

depression, Motivation

Enough?

I often struggle with the need to push myself to do more. With depression, I always feel like I am doing too much and not enough at the same time. Today I find myself at a crossroad. I think I might be pushing myself a little too hard. I feel the pressure of the outside as I expand my world and my focus.

I work full-time. I don’t think I have ever not worked full-time since 17. I was working part-time long before then. I am in school full-time. I have decided that I want to do better in my career. I want to be better. I need a degree to get there.

My boss likes to give me extra assignments that will give me experience, and maybe some extra money as well.

I like to be the person that promotes happiness and helpfulness.

Right now, I am doing all four. My depression tells me that I am overwhelming myself. My desires tell me I need to do more. I don’t know who to listen to any more. All work and no play makes Zander a dull boy, but I have spent decades being a fun boy.

Am I doing enough to improve my life and my husband’s life? Or I am doing too much and pushing myself too hard?

I don’t know.

depression

Flight

People that suffer from Depression often have a limited amount of energy to deal with issues. This is similar to video games where you have to choose when to use the energy, how to use it efficiently, and then wait for ages for more to show up.

When I get faced with issues that I have to deal with, my subconscious divides the issues into a type of “fight of flight” categories. For big issues, my subconscious knows that I need to reserve some of that energy. For small issues, my subconscious tends to move the issue into the “flight” category, meaning I can ignore the issue.

This works most of the time. This system has developed for decades in my brain, but I’m sure it has leaked in from others over the centuries. The problem with this system is that it does not take into account the idea that small issues can quickly become big issues. This is important, but first let me state something.

When the big issues happen, people tend to think that is when people with Depression need the support and attention. I mean, we can’t expect our friends and families to jump at every issue. So… logic dictates that checking in during big issues should be enough. Make sure the person is doing well.

And that is one of the many catch-22’s of Depression. My subconscious knows to reserve my limited mental energy for those big issues. As long as I do not have a lot of those at once, I am fine. When a small issue becomes a major issue, though, that is when I am likely to break.

Earlier this week I was working on something for another division. I made a mistake. No big deal. The manager caught the issue in time. The fix would be quick and easy. Bam. Right?

The fix was that I had to call the mail room to stop the multi-piece shipment that was going out. I needed to contact the executive secretary to explain the email could not go out yet. I needed to coordinate with the director to get new signatures. I needed to replace pages in all of the reports. I had to get everything done by the next day while explaining to all of these people why I needed them to do what they needed to do. And the crisis set it.

And the damage set in. I did not have enough energy reserved for all of this. I didn’t break, but I was definitely damaged enough that a water-like substance rolled down from the corners of my eyes for a minute. I managed to convince myself that I was an imposter in a position that no fool should have hired me for in the first place.

Luckily for me, I have an amazing partner that can refill my energy and help me reboot long enough to deal with things, like getting some stranger to jump your car. The next day I was fine.

My point with this post is that in my experience, people with Depression need help in times like this more than when something major happens. If you know someone that suffers from Depression and they joke about something that went wrong, stop and think if maybe that person just lost control of the boulder they were pushing up the hill. Did they just run out of energy?