depression, emotions

Whispers

Posted on by Zander Maverick

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide

There is a whispering in my head tonight. It was a hard day. So many things went wrong. So much bad shit. My brain just wants to shut down and move one.

Don’t fall for that. DO NOT FALL FOR THAT.

Like the song said, I had a bad day. That is it. Nothing more. My brain is whispering otherwise. My brain is convincing me that this world is just not worth my time. I am too precious to be held down by the chaos of this country. This world.

After 40 plus years, I am getting better at realizing when the whispers are in my head. The bad voices. The Whispers. I was struggling today. I just wanted to give up and give up with finality. But you know what? My cat had other plans. She slapped me a few times and forced some cuddling. Not sure how that fits into the personal space thing, but she did. I did. We did. But the whispers are still there. The volume is lower, but the whispers are always there. It just takes one moment. One incident.

There is an old saying that criminals have to be lucky every day. Every time. But the authorities only need to be lucky once. The same thing can be said about the Whispers. I can successfully beat them every day, but it only takes one time for me to fail. Thankfully, I have support. But sometimes, that just isn’t’ enough.

Dear Reader. I am not trying to scare you or beg for attention. If you are reading this, I survived the most recent episode of The Whispering. You are also loved enough to know my inner crazy. You are a friend. A friend indeed.

Do not worry about me today. The Whispers have passed and I am back on Hallmark movies. But that was the most difficult encounter that I have had in awhile.

I love you. I don’t need a reason. I love you. Be good. Be happy. Be loud.

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depression

Supportive

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We often think that our close friends and our family are automatically out support group. We assume that when push comes to shove, when the cards are down, they will be there for us.  

Let me stop here. You have been duped.  

People love you for what you can do for them. They don’t need you. They don’t want to deal with you when it becomes difficult.  

I live with major depressive disorder. I don’t have a choice. It is there. People in my support circle are great at supporting me, until my illness is inconvenient for them. At that point, I become a burden. An unnecessary burden. 

I am not going to tip toe around people anymore. I am here. This is me. If I am too much, walk away. Don’t fuck with my time and limited mental energy.  

I am exhausted and I don’t think I have a support group anymore. Am I needy for wanting people to understand what my brain and body are going through? 

Supportless in Oakland.   

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emotions

Unlocked

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have a familiar. She’s technically a cat. Well, a bratty cat, but still a cat. She loves to be around me and curl up with me. She loves to lightly wrap her tail around my leg to make sure I know that she loves me.

Over the past couple of months, I have allowed Leia to join me on the balcony. She loves the birds and the squirrels, but I watched her every moment. Any time that she seem over stimulated, I would call her name and she would look at me, lay down, and relax.

Yesterday, everything changed. Yesterday, I was distracted by stress and frustration. I did not see her shake her booty and she coiled up to attack. I did not see the bird that flew inches from me. But Leia, she saw that bird. Her instincts took over and she pounced. But, there was no ground for her to land on. She jumped six feet into the air and fell three stories to the garage area.

In the moments following, everything changed. I did not have arthritis. My joint and muscle pains were gone. There was only Leia, hurt, scared, and lost in an unsafe world. I truly believe I could have picked up a car if she was trapped.

I don’t really know what happened next in detail. I screamed my husbands name. I sprinted into the apartment. I found footwear on my way. I ran out of the apartment and down two flights of stairs in two, maybe three seconds. I walked over to her, my heart breaking as she scrambled to get over the wall. She didn’t recognize me.

I stormed over and grabbed her by the scruff of her neck. I yanked her off of the fence and walked toward the stairs. I made it up one flight of stairs before my husband appeared. He took her from me, curled her against his chest, and led us both back to the apartment. In that moment, seeing her safe and in my husbands arms, I cracked. I held myself together as I walked in front of him, unlocking and opening the doors.

Once I sat down on the couch… I broke. My tears filled oceans. My heart broke and healed and broke again. For two days she avoided me. But in the end, we met back together and I fell asleep on the couch with her sleeping on my legs. And the world was better once again.

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anxiety, depression

Battles

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have battles going on in my mind and body. Today I want to talk about the one affecting me the most. I have arthritis in my hips. One of the best ways to treat this is to become more active and lose weight. That might be fine and dandy for most people, but my depression doesn’t like to be active. My depression wants me in bed or on the couch. Out of the sun. 

A great way to help reduce the depression in my head is to get outside in the sun. Be active. Be engaging. But the arthritis in my feet and hips makes that more difficult. 

Now for the fun part. There is a liquid that I can consume to help reduce the depression and the pain from the arthritis in the short term. But it makes them both worse in the long term. The wonders of alcohol. 

Would this be a catch-22? A catch-33?

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anxiety, depression

Focusing

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Why do I always get stuck focusing on the bad things people do? I get stuck on the rude person or the obnoxious person. Why can’t I see the good that people do? Focus on the person that picked up the item that another person dropped.

I know that a large part of my mental stress is because I tend to get stuck in a loop with the negativity around me. My mind would be a better place if I could train it to seek out and focus on the good in the world. That doesn’t mean turning a blind eye to the evils in this country. That doesn’t mean that I ignore what is wrong. But I really need to get to a point where the stories that are repeating in my head are the good stories. The positive things that people do.

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anxiety, depression, Motivation

Outdoors

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I love being outdoors. I love the peace of being outside of buildings and all the energy they have inside. The breeze can take away bad thoughts and bad vibes. The sun can heal your soul while energizing your mind. The birds in the distance provide a slight distraction for your brain to ensure you don’t get too focused on anything. The scent of spring nourishes the mind. 

Being outdoors is healthy and healing. I need to take advantage of the many parks that I have in my area. I can go for walks or just sit and zone. I could bring a picnic with me.

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Stop

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all know the old saying about stopping to smell the roses. The idea is to stop rushing from place to place and focus on what is around us. The beauty in the rose or the tree. The pleasure of a meal at the local restaurant. Spending time with people even if you don’t do anything. 

I have always felt connected to nature. I struggle with this because the rural areas with most of the nature are either unfriendly to gay men or downright hostile. So I bounce from city to city to city. We have our little parks. We plant trees along the road. But it isn’t the same. 

I am trying to get better at enjoying what I have around me. I am trying to block out the noise. I just worry that this “noise” in our country is going to lead to very serious consequences for us. 

There is beauty in that rose along your path, but only if the noise doesn’t destroy you and your path while you are not watching.

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anxiety, depression

Security

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Safety or Security? Which do you choose? I feel secure that California will protect my human rights. I feel secure that I won’t lose the right to be married to my husband. But I don’t feel safe in Oakland anymore. I don’t feel safe in most of the Bay Area anymore. I am not comfortable riding my bike to the store because I know in the 15 minutes that I am in the store, my bike will get stolen. 

I am visiting my family in Indianapolis this week. I forget how wholesome and safe this place feels. I can sit on the front porch and say high to people walking by. I can walk around at night. I can leave things in my car. But I am not secure here. When the Supreme Court overturns the right to marriage equality, I won’t have my legal marriage anymore.  

I miss having a large home. I miss having a yard and a front porch to sit on. I don’t miss the winters, but I do miss thunderstorms. I miss the openness but not having to rely on a car to get anywhere. (I had to drive 5 miles to get a cup of coffee that wasn’t from a gas station).

My heart hurts. My mind is healing. My soul is comforted. Maybe I just needed to visit again. Maybe living here isn’t the answer. I need a new home. I need a safe space. I need security. Where do I find that?

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Uncategorized

Tethers

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I don’t have a lot of tethers in this world. The lack of empathy drains me. The lack of civility hurts me. If I were not tethered to this world, I would have floated away so very long ago.

There are people out there that needs hundreds of tethers or even, in some cases, thousands of tethers. I am lucky enough to have incredible strong tethers, so I do not need as many. The only downside to that is losing one tether causes more damage to me.

This world is a crazy place. Companions come into our lives just to leave. But so does negativity. Tether yourself to your companions, not the negativity

1