depression, emotions

Gratitude

I grew up without a lot of stuff. My family was poor, but we did eat every day. Most days we had 3 meals even. I rarely had the latest and greatest toy, which is why I started working before I even went to high school. I wanted my own money for my own things. I think it is because of this that I learned to be grateful for what I have.

Over the years, though, that gratitude has dropped quite a bit. I appreciate what I have, but I want more. I need more. As my income increased, my need for “stuff” increased, and while I can recognize this, I do not know how to change it. I have enough stuff. I have too much stuff. How do I get back to not needing more?

I think part of my brain sees what others have and I do not want to miss out. I want to enjoy nights out. I want to buy frilly things. I want shiny objects. I want and I want, but I don’t need.

I tell myself that these things will help control my depression and lift my mood. In reality, though, I think it does the opposite. I have crowded my life with so much “stuff” that I do not have any time or room for the things that I need. I need interactions with people, but not too many. I need time to meditate and a clear space to do it. I need fun times with friends that are not expensive, but still enjoyable or even silly. These are the things that I need. But how do I make my gratitude recognize this?

What brings out the most gratitude in you?

depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Story

I have a lot of stories. I have a lot of adventures in my head. When I was at my lowest, you were there for me. Alcohol, drugs, death…. you were there. You had no judgement. Decades later, I am who I am because of you.

You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what I’ve been through like you do
And I was made for you

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
Oh, but these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true, I was made for you

Thank you for believing in me.

emotions, Song Lyrics

Generational

There is the age old joke about the current generation’s music being just noise compared to the previous version. The oldies are the best, right? But what are the oldies? Your parents might have a different idea than you. Your children definitely have different idea than you. So where is this coming from?

I had a deep connection to the music in the 80s and 90s. That doesn’t mean I do not like the music after that, but it wasn’t the same. I could hear a song and I would stop everything to close my eyes, focus on the song, and just let go. While I like and even love some songs from the last couple of decades, it is rare for me to feel that. Is this because the music is not as good or because I am not as connected to music as I used to be?

Well, that happens to be a great question. I recently said “Yo, my bitch, Google. Play some Roxette and keep the shit coming” (okay, I said “Okay Google. Shuffle Roxette’) There were a couple of songs that made me stop, drop my eyes, and roll my mind. It was like I was thrown back in time. So no, I do not think it is my lost connection. I just think I do not connect with the newer artists.

Lyrics from Roxette

In that big big house, there are fifty doors
And one of them leads to your heart
In the time of spring I passed your gate
And tried to make a start

All I knew was the scent of sea and dew
But I’ve been in love before, how about you?

depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Brave

I am not really a people-person. I am more of a people watcher. I like observing people to see what they do or what they say. If I could have a superpower, I think it would be invisibility of some sort.

I have my moments when I need to be the center of attention, but that’s usually a one-on-one situation or a very brief lack of judgement on my part.

I was taught to follow polite society growing up. People, especially children, should be seen and not hear. Bonus points if you know where that is from. People don’t want the truth. People want happy. People want acceptance. People want to be right. I can’t give them that. I try, but I usually avoid saying anything in order to avoid saying my truth.

Now, keep in mind that I am saying “my truth”, not “the truth”. I do not claim to be right, but I am me. And I wish I could speak my truth more often. Sometimes I feel burdened by all of the thoughts and people in my head, but other times I feel more enlightened.

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Sara Bareilles

depression, emotions

Suicide

Trigger warning: this post will cover suicide and my experience with that. If this is a trigger for you, please do not continue.

Recently, someone I knew took their own life. He wasn’t a close friend by any means. He wasn’t even really a friend. He was someone that I knew in passing. Someone I have had conversations and laughs with. So if we weren’t friends, why I am talking about this? Why is it affecting me so much?

Those questions are not easy to explain to people that do not have MDD. The answer, though, is the same as why Robin Williams death affected me so much. This person seemed to have everything. He was young, very attractive, accomplished in his education, well traveled in the world, and more. And yet, he still felt hopeless enough and low enough to take his own life. If someone with so much fell to lies that Depression tells, what hope do I have in the long-term?

This is one of my very few triggers. Between 16 and 26, I tried to take my life several times. I am glad that I am completely incompetent at that. I damaged my liver and was sick for days, but I survived and I thrived. Eventually. I have a great life. I love my husband. I love my job and career path. I love my friends and those close to me. And yet, in the dark recesses of my brain, the thoughts of suicide are always lurking. Always waiting for me to let my guard down. Fighting Depression is a lifelong war. Losing to Depression is a single moment in time. It only takes a moment.

We don’t talk about suicide in polite societies. Only druggies, drunks, and weak people take their own lives. Right? Right?

emotions, Motivation

Voice

I often have odd questions. Sometimes those questions are “stupid questions”. Sometimes that questions answer the questions of the universe. And sometimes those questions baffle the minds of everyone that knows me and wonders how in the gods’ name I could ask that. This is the latter.

I find voices to be interesting. They can be sexy or they can be rough. They can be high pitched or screechy. They can be annoying or just not noticeable. Have you ever thought… “I would listen to them read a dictionary.”? I thought so.

That leads me to my question. You get to decide which category it falls under. With all of the cosmetic surgery available, are there surgeries to adjust your voice? Can I get a deep, soul searching voice for a few thousand dollars? Can I get the Nanny’s voice for a few hundred? What is in a voice?

These are questions that need answers, but questions that cannot be asked.

anxiety, depression, emotions

AllApologies

As I am sure you know by now, I suffer from MDD. One of the many fun tricks of this is that I have a warped sense of the effects of my actions and interactions with other people. Whether this means I think a close friend hates me because of something I said or did, or I think the bartender wants to jump me in the alley, it causes an alternate universe in my mind.

When these things happen, I have an over-inflated idea of how this affects the other person. But to start, lets be honest. These things happen to me multiple times a day. Maybe I forgot your name. Maybe I asked you about something. Maybe I was rude. Maybe I was too nice. There are so many maybes here.

What I am trying to get at is that I am often feeling like I need to apologize. This need to apologize is most likely just in my head. In most cases, the other person does not remember the incident or has completely forgotten that. If you are dear to me, I may apologize weeks, months, or even years later. When that happens, please take the apology and forgive me if this isn’t an issue for you. If I’m apologizing, it’s obviously an issue for me and may have haunted my brain for months or longer.

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I’ll take all the blame
Aqua sea foam shame

I don’t like many people. If I like you enough to apologize for something that means absolutely nothing to you, take that as a compliment instead of making it into a mountain.

depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Stumble

I’m watching this show Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist. I laugh because I can be as “crazy” as her. Often times I bring music into situations and thoughts without letting others know. It’s hard to keep up with me if you don’t know the soundtrack.

This last episode A Great Big World with Christina Aguilera in Say Something. I have to say, though, that I agree with Zoey. Even with scruffy, hairy chested, chef-o-rama Max, sometimes people will never understand because they can’t hear your soundtrack.

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

depression, emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Hole

Back before the internet, well before the world wide web maybe, I spent years looking for a song by Cyndi Lauper. The song was from Vibes. If you haven’t seen that movie, stop, drop, and roll that video.

This hole in my heart that goes all the way to China…

I sometimes feel as if something is missing inside of me. Like a hole within me. I know that it’s my depression messing with my head, but I’m always trying to fill that hole. Usually with alcohol and loud music and wild times. Sometimes, though, I find a passion that fills that hole, even if only for a short period.

2020 has been a devastating year. So many people have lost their lives, their jobs, their homes, their livelihoods. It’s too depressing to try and wrap my brain around the amount of loss and misery that has occurred this year.

But for me, not so much. I changed jobs this year and not a month too soon. I got promoted at this job that I was only at for 8 months. I have an amazing husband that is always near me, making sure I stay on my feet. I learned how to cook this year. Not boxed foods or frozen foods; I legit learned how to cook.

So many horrible things have happened to almost everyone, but I’ve had a good year overall. Now, though, that hole is back. I’m getting lost looking for a way to fill that hole. Did 2020 finally do me in or am I just feeling guilty and letting my empathy take the pain of others?

I don’t know. I wish I did. I do know that something needs to change. I need a spark, a light, a flame, a new year. Something. Luckily, I have the support system I need to fall on my face and get back up again. I know that I can get back up again and that is an amazing feeling. Now if only I could skip this hole in my heart.

anxiety, depression, emotions

Haunted

I am often haunted by the past. With some things, it’s a nearly non-stop haunt. With other things, it’s something popping up after months or even years. This is depression. This is my brain turning against me.

Sometime people ask me what prompted a post. I can’t always answer that. Sometimes it’s because I’m not in the moment anymore and the haunting is forgotten. That is why I keep this blog. I don’t need the exact details, just the feeling of those hauntings.

Other times I won’t answer what prompted the post. The goal of my blog and my posts is to give you an overview of the day in the life of someone suffering from Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). There will be times that I get specific, but I don’t need you that far into my brain. I don’t think you would like it either.

So feel free to comment and chat. If you need to ask questions, go ahead. I will answer them… maybe. It depends on where my haunting has left me.