anxiety, depression, emotions

Haunted

I am often haunted by the past. With some things, it’s a nearly non-stop haunt. With other things, it’s something popping up after months or even years. This is depression. This is my brain turning against me.

Sometime people ask me what prompted a post. I can’t always answer that. Sometimes it’s because I’m not in the moment anymore and the haunting is forgotten. That is why I keep this blog. I don’t need the exact details, just the feeling of those hauntings.

Other times I won’t answer what prompted the post. The goal of my blog and my posts is to give you an overview of the day in the life of someone suffering from Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). There will be times that I get specific, but I don’t need you that far into my brain. I don’t think you would like it either.

So feel free to comment and chat. If you need to ask questions, go ahead. I will answer them… maybe. It depends on where my haunting has left me.

anxiety, depression, emotions

Axis

Most of us don’t remember the World Wars. Most of us don’t remember the concentration camps. I mean, we can’t. We give Germany a side eye for the Nazis and Hitler because that’s the appropriate thing to do.

The election in 2020 isn’t about being a liberal or a conservative. It’s not about being a Democrat or being a Republican. It’s about Axis and Allies. As a country, we have to decide if we are still going to stand up for freedom. Do we believe in the Constitution (let’s not get technical on originalist vs modern)?

I try to keep politics separate from here. My depression knows no party, no affiliation; but we are on the brink of disaster and it is destroying me. It confounds me that so many Americans hate the core values of America while proclaiming to be patriots. We are all created equal. There is nothing about keeping the Mexicans out or deporting the Blacks. There is nothing about hatred for the LGBT community.

This election is not like any election in modern US history. We have to decide whether we want to be Axis or Allies. I’m afraid that we are going to choose wrong. And if we do, gods bless us. We will need it.

(note: I will not get overly political on here. I just needed to get this out)

anxiety, depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Money

They say that money can’t buy happiness. I wonder who “they” are in this saying. I have to say that having money can make one happier.

Money can’t buy it, baby
Sex can’t buy it, baby
Drugs can’t buy it, baby
You can’t buy it, baby

I’m going to flip scrip on Ms. Lennox. I am going to reach into the heart of a boy that grew up without money; without happiness.

Money can buy it. Sex can buy it. Drugs can buy it. You can buy it.

Money can buy happiness in the sense of not stressing about how to pay rent or buy groceries. Sex can buy happiness buy providing validation to a person’s self. Drugs can buy the mental calmness that eludes oneself. You can buy all of these things for me.

But buying these won’t make me happy. Money won’t guarantee happiness. Sex won’t guarantee validation. Drugs won’t guarantee a better mind. You won’t guarantee a happier me.

There is a world of difference between can/can’t and will/won’t. That distinction is critical.

anxiety, depression, emotions

Abused

Abuse comes in many forms. Sometimes you don’t know you are being abused until much later or until someone tells you.

I recently completed a project for my new boss. I sent her an email to let her know it was finished (Covid-19 days). She sent a response that I took to mean that I completely messed up the project. I was frantic and stressed. I looked at her instructions and I look at my results and I didn’t understand. Where did I go wrong?

A few minutes later she walked by and told me how great it is to have me on her staff; how much she appreciates the work I do. I was confused again. I read her instructions again and looked over my work. Then I read her email again. And again. And again. She wasn’t criticizing me. She was expanding on a question I had. The judgement was all in my head.

Sometimes abuse leaves scars. Even when we don’t know we are being abused. Even when we can’t admit we were being abused.

I love my new environment, but I often feel like Cinderella at her home trying to be as good as her step sisters. She will never live up to that because the mental and emotional abuse she has endured has told her that the step sisters are a goal to be. In reality, Cinderella is better off without them. She’s better off once she understands that life was abusive.

I’m better off, but I still have flashbacks.

depression, emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

MindSong

I need a song to distract my mind. It’s been awful lately.

Better Be Good to Me

by the goddess, Tina Turner

A prisoner of your love
Entangled in your web
Hot whispers in the night
I’m captured by your spell
Oh yes I’m touched by this show of emotion
Should I be fractured by your lack of devotion
Should I, should I?

You better be good to me
That’s how it’s gotta be now
Cause I don’t have no use
For what you loosely call the truth
You better be good to me

I think it’s also right
That we don’t need to fight
We stand face to face
And you present your case
And I know you keep telling me that you love me
And I really do want to believe
But did you think I’d just accept you in blind faith
Oh sure babe, anything to please you

You better be good to me
That’s how it’s gotta be now
Cause I don’t have the time
For your over loaded lines
You better be good to me

And I really don’t see why it’s so hard to be good to me
And I don’t understand what’s your plan that you can’t be good to me
What I can’t feel I surely cannot see, why can’t you be good to me
And if it’s not real I do not wish to see, why can’t you be good to me

depression, emotions, Motivation

Crying

My brain is being awful today. It won’t let up. It won’t stop attacking. I’m frustrated and now I’m in my cubicle crying.

It’s not a full on bawling, mascara running kind of cry. It’s more like a silent, avoiding a serial killer and staying quiet, kind of cry.

I know I can go home, but my brain tells me that I’m a failure if I do. There are so many people that would love to have the option to be working right now, to get out of the house. My brain tells me that this emotional state is my own making and I need to suffer.

I don’t have a fun song in my head today. I need one, though. I need something to loop constantly to distract me. I guess I’ll search for fun songs for pandemics or something.

Anyway, I’m having a rough day, but depression lies. I know that in my heart. I know that in my bones. I just wish I could remember it right now. Depression lies and I’m hanging tough.

anxiety, depression, emotions

Rise-up

I’m an empath. I try to feel the world from the perspective of other people. I try to view the world as they would. This doesn’t always work. While my experiences may be similar or slightly in the same realm of reality, it isn’t always the same. This is dangerous because more often than not I can get close to understanding.

When I’m not close, however, I am a world away from the other person’s experience. It’s hard to understand and empathize with someone when you live in different worlds.

My heart is pure as the sex driven snow. My natural instinct is to understand and empathize with you. Just know that I am not always close or on the same path

Just know, that when you are close to me, I will rise up. I’ll try to understand. I’ll light the fireworks for the world to see. I’ll move mountains. But I may not always be right.

emotions, Uncategorized

Neener

Every now and then a word or phrase comes along that tosses me back through time. Whether that is an old nickname, a phrase from an era long past, or a jeer, the reaction of my brain to be back in that moment is startling.

I was teased and tormented as a child and a teenager. If that surprises you, please read my blog. Especially the name of it. When kids would make fun of me they would say “neener neener, *name* is a weiner”. Or “neener neener, you’re a peener.

These aren’t highly creative. They aren’t overly insulting either. I find it interesting that a woman that grew up thousands of miles away from me knows the word “neener”. That word just haunts every soul in my body. My cells react like an electric shock has been received. My brain cringes.

Most people have words that transport them through time. What are yours?

depression, emotions

Secrets

We all have secrets. We all have thoughts and pasts that we don’t want to think about. Most of us have tiny secrets that fit in a small box in the corner. Some of us have secrets that are sharp. Razor sharp.

I stumbled across the secret of someone close to me. A close friend, I should say, and I have a thought. If you find something or hear something, stop to think before you ask questions. Will the answer to those questions help you or forward you?

I’m not a fan of the ostrich theory of sticking our head in the sand, but I am also learning¬† that I’m not a fan of being the Nancy Drew. I want the truth, but I don’t always want to understand the truth.

My hair is naturally darker. My eyes aren’t green. My nails aren’t really this long. I’m not this tall without heels. Your hideous outfit is fabulous. That baby is beautiful.

We have white lies. We have truths. We have lies. We have secrets. We have consequences.

Where do we draw the line? How do we decide what is acceptable? Does this lie help people?

The lines are tearing me apart. I want to go back to the days when people were understandable and readable.

depression, emotions

Middleton

I’m a city guy, but sometimes I wish I could settle down in a small town like Star’s Hallow or Middleton. A place where things run slowly and you know your neighbors. But, I’m gay. It’s not that easy.

People like me need to live in big cities. I’m accepted here. I don’t have to know anyone or get along with anyone. I can just be. I can fit in while not concerning myself about others.

Living in a small town means fitting in. It means having everyone know you and like you. Not everyone likes me. Hell, my friends don’t like me some days. But yet, it still get this warm feeling in my heart when I watch Gilmore Girls or Good Witch. That small town life makes me yearn.