anxiety, depression, Motivation

Healthy

Sometimes I hate people that don’t suffer from depression or anxiety. These illnesses cause so many issues, but those issues are invisible.

Do you actually think that I want to lay around all day? Well, I don’t. I want to get up and do the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning. I want to get up and make my home look beautiful. But that’s not in the cards for me.

I want to build my bath and body products. Even if I only give them as gifts. I want to go out for walks or go bicycling. Most days, though, that’s not in the cards.

So that makes me lazy, uninvolved, or sloppy. I get it. Sorry for the rant but my brain has been yelling at me about this for a bit and I need to get it out.

depression, Motivation, Sleep

DST

Daylight Saving Time is here yet again. The week of the time change is hard on me mentally. My depression loves the two weeks that we do this.

I am not sure if it’s the lack of sleep on the one night or just the change in general. I struggle to get out of bed. I struggle to make it through my days. I struggle.

Every year, I reach out to my Senators in the Spring and Autumn about this. Every year I am ignored. Until this year. We actually have a chance to stop the time changes. The Senate, which is deeply divided on everything, passed the resolution to switch to DST next Spring and then stay there.

There is hope in every situation. Sometimes it’s hard to see after so many failures, but keep looking.

depression

Cleaning

I want to start a non-profit cleaning service for people with major depressive disorder. I don’t have the energy though. Or the money. Or the desire to clean.

I am certain that there could be government funding for this. Plus fundraising.

People with MDD get in periods where everything is impossible and you have to choose between putting on pants or doing the dishes. Between showering or cleaning the bathroom. Trash can pile up. And the worse things get, the more overwhelming it gets.

word of the day

Roister

Roister means “to engage in noisy partying or celebration.”

The holidays are upon us. The word of the day, roister, is appropriate this week. I don’t usually do much for Thanksgiving, but this year I am going out of town with friends. We rented an Airbnb away from the city. The six of us will definitely roister on Thursday evening.

word of the day

Facetious

Facetious means “joking often inappropriately” or “meant to be humorous or funny.” It usually describes something said or done as being annoying, silly, or improper.

Today’s word of the day is facetious. When I was at brunch the other day, this guy was telling a story. He was being so facetious, but we cracked up anyway.

depression, Motivation

Appointment

I have a confession to make. I have an appointment with a psychologist. I think I’m ready to try and move another step forward. It is so easy to say that I’m good. I don’t need to improve. But I do.

I want to build a craft area where I can make and perfect my bath and body products. I want to finalize the name of the LLC that I’m going to start and create a logo. I want my friends and colleagues to think of me when they are buying small gifts for people.

I want more.

Change is hard though. Some of my steps forward have been disastrous. I lost a few friends and acquaintances during one of those steps. I don’t mind. I know I’m difficult. I just have to remember that these appointments and these steps forward have consequences outside of me. That’s why it’s hard to do this.

But I am doing this.

I am taking the next step.

I have an appointment.

depression, emotions, Uncategorized

Me

Sometimes Google memories will show me a picture of myself and I’m happy and I’m laughing and I wonder, who is that person? How did that happen? But then I think back and my memory reminds me, there have been happy times. I have to remember that.

But when I get into my darkness and my little corner where there’s no light it’s sometimes hard for me to see that person. But luckily for me, Google memories keeps those thoughts close.

Sometimes it’s important to look back to see happier times and happier me. There is a fine line, though, between looking back fondly and getting stuck in the past.

depression

Untoward

My word of the day is Untoward. I feel like the babies and children in the airport have untoward behaviour. Their screaming and running around is not popular with travelers. Many of us are visible annoyed.

When it comes to perceiving other people, I am often too sensitive to what people say and how they say it. Sometimes a person is being friendly, even though I perceive them with untoward behavior. I see and hear anger and annoyance when it’s not really there.

anxiety, depression

Burnt

The past week was awful. MaDD (My name for MDD) just about did me in. MaDD attacked my brain like it was double overtime and the plates were loaded. Or some sports metaphor.

I knew instinctively that I would make it through the week, but there were days that my heart gave up and days that my mind gave up. I was tired but I couldn’t sleep. I was stressed. But mostly, MaDD was yelling louder than usual.

That can only mean one thing. I need to consider changing my medications again. That is never a fun process. I never know who I will be once the meds kick in. Each time I get set on a course of meds, my personality changes with it. Why, this one time, let’s just say that I lost a few friends.

And now I’m wondering if MaDD is good name for my MDD. That’s what my brain does when scary thoughts come up, line changing my meds. I get distracted by details.

This last week was darker than I have been through in quite a while. I almost think the old, pre-pandemic me is fighting with the new me and I’m stuck here in the middle.

depression, Song Lyrics

Unknown

Do you ever get this instinct that something is wrong with your body or your mind but you can neither figure out exactly what it is not can you explain it? That’s where I have been lately.

Of course, as one does, I googled my symptoms and found out I have over a dozen types of cancers, a few tumors, some rare disorder, and four minutes to live. (I am not making light of any of these)

I have been trying to figure out how to approach my doctor. I read through some information on the Mayo Clinics site and I have an idea, but it’s not likely that it started recently. It is more likely that I have been confusing symptoms with my anxiety symptoms. If I ask now, I think he’ll wave me off and toss these under the MDD umbrella.

And now for the song in my head…

There’s something wrong with my mind today. I don’t know what it is. There’s something wrong with mind….. Living on the meds! 😂