Depression is a dark and scary place. If you read my posts, you know that. Or you should. I often hear the phrase “if you need help, reach out”. I don’t want to laugh, but, well, here we are.

People that don’t have major depressive disorder just don’t understand it. They don’t understand the daily grind of my mind. Just like I don’t fully understand being diabetic or having fibromyalgia. It really is hard to understand things that are so far outside of “normal”.

Suicide is not a stranger for me. My first bout was in high school. People didn’t like me. I overhead my two best friends talking about how annoying I was and exhausting.

Later in life, it was drunken mistakes that left me humiliated. Did I really do that? Why would I do that/ I lost a close friend to that before I was even legally able to drink.

How do you tell someone that you are having suicidal thoughts? Like, yo, dude, my brain says we shouldn’t be here anymore. What are your thoughts on that? Or, yo, dudette, can you believe that I did that? My brain is ready to check out..

If I call you and say, I am struggling with suicidal thoughts… that permanently changes everything. Whether you want it to or not. So are you really there for anything?

When your depression is strong, you burn through friends quickly. They want to be there for you, but it is not easy. It’s not easy at all.