anxiety, depression

AvP

I really enjoyed the Alien vs Predator movies. I really enjoyed the new Predator movie “Prey” even more. But that is not what this is about. This is about me, obviously. Just in case you forgot.

Anxiety attacks and panic attacks are almost the same thing but they are very different. They have similar symptoms, but you shouldn’t confuse the two afflictions. I could describe the differences between the two, but then I would have to kill you.

(Do I need to add a sarcasm note here?)

I have been suffering from anxiety attacks all week. I don’t know why, so don’t ask what’s wrong. Nothing is wrong other than these stupid anxiety attacks. I used to think the difference between the two was external stimuli versus internal stimuli. Then I thought the difference was the intensity of the symptoms. Now… I have no idea.

So, here is where this non-doctor is going. For me, Panic attacks are short and bitter sweet, typically caused by an incident and soon forgotten. Anxiety attacks are my brain fucking with me from all angles on a slight and subtle level over hours.

I keep trying to figure out what is causing the anxiety attacks because everyone keeps asking me. Like, dude, what happened? (Don’t get me started on the people that confuse being anxious about something and having anxiety).

I don’t know what’s causing my anxiety. Maybe I need new meds. Maybe I need talk therapy again. Maybe I need another shot. Maybe I need to leave this apartment. Maybe I need to have sex with Paul Rudd. Who knows? Do you?

emotions, Motivation

Fantastical

One of the most amazing things about my husband is that he gets caught up and rides the wave of my fantastical thoughts and dreams. I don’t think he believes them any more than I do, but he doesn’t question them. I talk about my newest fantastical dream and he goes along. Like, it could happen.

I talk about moving to a small town to be in the Gilmore Girls world. I talk about moving to Spain to be among the beautiful men. I talk about buying property in Oakland. I talk about so many things. And the love of my life… he just goes along with it. We both know these won’t happen, but he never bursts my bubble. He encourages this.

My newest and most fabulous one? I am going to buy a house in Guerneville while finding a fully 100% telecommuting position. I can be there five to six days a week. We can swap between our apartment and there. I can walk down main street holding his hand without fear. I can be. I can live. So much life with so little outside interference.

I love me more and more as the days go on. My dreams get bigger and better. But one day, these won’t be dreams anymore. They will be. We will be.

depression, Motivation

Appointment

I have a confession to make. I have an appointment with a psychologist. I think I’m ready to try and move another step forward. It is so easy to say that I’m good. I don’t need to improve. But I do.

I want to build a craft area where I can make and perfect my bath and body products. I want to finalize the name of the LLC that I’m going to start and create a logo. I want my friends and colleagues to think of me when they are buying small gifts for people.

I want more.

Change is hard though. Some of my steps forward have been disastrous. I lost a few friends and acquaintances during one of those steps. I don’t mind. I know I’m difficult. I just have to remember that these appointments and these steps forward have consequences outside of me. That’s why it’s hard to do this.

But I am doing this.

I am taking the next step.

I have an appointment.

depression, Motivation

Crutches

We all need crutches from time to time, but it seems like people that need crutches because of depression get stigmatized more.

Sometimes it’s the little things that are the most difficult for me. It’s the every day decisions. For example, when you think about making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you probably think about getting the bread, jelly, peanut butter, and a knife to whip it together.

For me, making that same sandwich means walking into the kitchen. Open the fridge and grab the jelly. Walk to the cabinet, open the door and grab the peanut butter. Walk to the other cabinet, open it and grab bread. Walk to the drawer, pull it open and grab a butter knife. Walk to yet another freaking cabinet, open the door and grab a plate. Set everything down on the counter.

Do you see where I’m going with this? I hope so because those instructions are overwhelming me and I’m just typing them.

When a person without depression looks at tasks, they take a lot of steps for granted, which makes it look simple. As a person that has major depressive disorder, my brain creates at least five times the number of steps. If you throw in decisions like which type of jelly… I’m done.

Do you walk up to a person with a cane in the parking lot to tell them that it’s so easy to walk from the car to store without a cane? I hope you don’t. So when you know someone suffers from Depression, try to avoid phrases like “but it’s so easy if you just” or “you don’t need all of that. Just…”

depression, emotions

Middleton

I’m a city guy, but sometimes I wish I could settle down in a small town like Star’s Hallow or Middleton. A place where things run slowly and you know your neighbors. But, I’m gay. It’s not that easy.

People like me need to live in big cities. I’m accepted here. I don’t have to know anyone or get along with anyone. I can just be. I can fit in while not concerning myself about others.

Living in a small town means fitting in. It means having everyone know you and like you. Not everyone likes me. Hell, my friends don’t like me some days. But yet, it still get this warm feeling in my heart when I watch Gilmore Girls or Good Witch. That small town life makes me yearn.

depression, emotions

Judgment

I’m a very judgmental person. I think it comes from being judged growing up. Back then, depression was sadness. It was a phase I was going to grow out of. It was a “minor inconvenience”. Alas, it was not so easy. So many horror stories and memories can be tied back to that.

They say that doctors and parents just pump kids full of too much medicine these days, but so much could have been different if I had only been diagnosed earlier. So many embarrassing memories. So much bullying. So much judgment. I think this is where my judgmental views come in to play. Or maybe it’s my christian background. Who knows. I surely don’t.

When I judge you, and be sure that I will, take it with a grain of salt. It has more to do with me than it does with you. I grew up being told that who I am is bad. Being the top of my class wasn’t enough. Being beautiful wasn’t enough. Being me wasn’t enough. I was judged and I carry that torch still.

Moving to California was the best thing that ever happened to me. Well, other than meeting my husband. I was thrown into cultures I didn’t understand. I was tossed into situations with people I didn’t understand. I had to grow. I had to ask questions. I had to become a better, more informed person. I am still growing, but I’ve come a long way. I have met amazing people throughout my life that have helped me to grow.

With that said, I’m still judging not only you, but myself as well. I’m judging the moon, the stars, and even the sun. It’s part of my DNA at this point. The good thing is that I can learn and change. I’ve shown that over the last few years. I may judge you, but I still love you.

depression, emotions, Motivation

Week

I have one more week with my career at FedEx Office. This has been a long road. When I was young (was I ever 19?) I lost my way. Well, I never really knew my way, so I guess I couldn’t lose it. I came out and then buried myself in debt. I made mistakes, friends, enemies, and lost everything shortly thereafter.

I needed help. I was in over my head with debt, depression, and so much more. I got help, though. I was a lucky one. I was bailed out by amazing people that tried to set me on a good path. I wish that would have stuck, but that’s where this story starts.

I was in a new city starting a new life. I needed a job. I was working at Safeway as a cashier, but that wasn’t enough. A relative was working at Kinko’s so he got me an interview and I was hired shortly after. The year as 1995. I had just turned 21 fifteen days before that.

My job at Kinko’s was just temporary. I needed money and I needed to get my finances under control. I was going to get a real job. At 21 I had already failed at my military career. I had failed at many things. I guess this job was something that I just couldn’t fail at. It’s been almost 25 years now and the only consistent thing in my life has been my career with Kinko’s (FedEx Kinko’s, FedEx Office). It’s almost like a child that needs freedom. I know it’s time for me to let go, but it’s so hard.

January 17th will be my last day with the company. It’s been a great journey and an amazing career. I have very few regrets, but I also need to move on and think about my life in later years. I can’t make the same mistakes I made when I was so, so, very young. I learned. I grew. And now I am moving on.

Uncategorized

Nothing

In the words of a 90s Diva, I have nothing, nothing, nothing!

I don’t have fractured bones. I don’t have inflammation. I don’t have arthritis. I don’t have osteoporosis. I don’t have bone density loss. I have nothing, nothing, nothing..

So I guess my pain isn’t real? My feet, my right ankle, my knees, my right hip. Obviously it’s nothing. The tests prove that. My doctor recommends going on a whole foods diet and exercise.

#hopelessinseattle

Uncategorized

Choices

I may have a serious choice to make soon. It seems that there is a direct link between people that struggle to find an anti-depressant that works well and high levels of inflammation.

I fall under this category. I have been on more than 6 different anti-depressants in the last two years. They help, but not enough. I’ve also been suffering from joint pain that I was afraid was arthritis (which is why I didn’t say anything for so long). After 6 doctors, including 2 Podiatrists, I have starting to get a clearer picture.

My third Party made a stunning discovery within minutes of our first visit. She noticed signs of vitamin D deficiency in my X-rays. These are X-rays that many other doctors looked at. So we started there. We got the tendons in my feet to stop hurting, but I still have a lot of pain.

My second session with her lead to discussions of pain in places other than my feet. That lead to me being on anti-depressants. That lead to an aha moment. I can’t take antiinflammatories because of my anti-depressants.

So the choice that I seem to have in front of me right now is: do I ween off of my anti-depressants so I can take care of the inflammation that is terrorizing my body? Or do I stay on the safe path and try natural remedies for my inflammation?

I have a follow up with my PCP on Monday. Let’s see what he has to say.

For the record though, this latest Podiatrist is a godsend. If you live in the Bay Area and need a Podiatrist, DM me.

depression

Raw

I probably should have warned you about my blog before I started throwing these posts up on my happy go lucky FB page. If anyone is bothered by the window into my soul, let me know. I can remove the link to FB and have people come over to the site to read these. I could put a link in my profile or something.

My goal with this blog is to get the things out of my head that I normally can’t talk about. Writing the words on these pages is far easier for me than talking with a person. There is something raw in talking about the inner workings of my depression. These confessions seem light and easy, but they do take a toll.

While this blog helps to relieve my inner struggle, it also makes me wonder if people are interacting with me less because of these insights. Am I scaring people? Should I stick to writing about horror movies instead?

I don’t know. I guess this journey will tell me in time. In the interim, please feel free to leave comments or send FB messages if you have feedback and/or thoughts. This journey will not be successful without support from my wonderful friends and family.