depression, Motivation, Sleep

Vacation

When I go on vacation, my depression goes with me. I don’t have the option to leave it at home. But there is something about being on vacation that helps to reduce the effects of my depression. Maybe it is because I am doing so much or walking more or just spending so much time outdoors.

If you like to schedule your vacation with a hard list of things to do and times to do them, you won’t like me as a companion. I want to do all the things and I want to see all the things. I want to eat all the things. But remember, my depression is with me. I don’t get to decide everything.

I love travelling with people and I love vacations. Please invite me with you. But please understand that my limitations don’t end just because I’m on vacation.

depression, emotions, Motivation

Older

I am older today than I was yesterday. It seems like such an amazing thing to say you are alive and another day older. Yet, there are those, especially in the gay community, that view that age as a disability. I am not just another day older. I am a figment of an ancient past. An artifact to be tossed in a museum.

The fight to be relevant in the gay community ended decades ago for me. I just do not care. I am not going to be a certain way or dress a certain way. I am not going to like something just because the community has embraced.

I like my gay bars. Community bars just aren’t the same. The protection and safety are not there. The younger generations may not understand the need for protection and safety when it comes to going out since the country has evolved quite a bit, especially in major cities.

I may be old and I may be an artifact, but Zeus was never a spring chicken either, baby.

depression, word of the day

Jovial

Jovial means “markedly good-humored” and describes people and things that are cheerful or full of joy. Merriam-Webster

I hope you all have a great holiday that is jovial and stress-free. Today is a day to remember our country’s history while being thankful that we made it another year.

depression, word of the day

Feign

Feign means “to give a false appearance of something.” Merriam-Webster dictionary

I often feign happiness. I don’t want people to see me when I’m struggling. A little joke here, an inappropriate comment there, and the diversion is complete.

I think most people with Depression will understand the word of the day today. While they may not use the word, it most likely applies to them.

I started the word of the day posts in the hopes that I would get better about posting.

depression, emotions, Uncategorized

Me

Sometimes Google memories will show me a picture of myself and I’m happy and I’m laughing and I wonder, who is that person? How did that happen? But then I think back and my memory reminds me, there have been happy times. I have to remember that.

But when I get into my darkness and my little corner where there’s no light it’s sometimes hard for me to see that person. But luckily for me, Google memories keeps those thoughts close.

Sometimes it’s important to look back to see happier times and happier me. There is a fine line, though, between looking back fondly and getting stuck in the past.

depression

Flight

People that suffer from Depression often have a limited amount of energy to deal with issues. This is similar to video games where you have to choose when to use the energy, how to use it efficiently, and then wait for ages for more to show up.

When I get faced with issues that I have to deal with, my subconscious divides the issues into a type of “fight of flight” categories. For big issues, my subconscious knows that I need to reserve some of that energy. For small issues, my subconscious tends to move the issue into the “flight” category, meaning I can ignore the issue.

This works most of the time. This system has developed for decades in my brain, but I’m sure it has leaked in from others over the centuries. The problem with this system is that it does not take into account the idea that small issues can quickly become big issues. This is important, but first let me state something.

When the big issues happen, people tend to think that is when people with Depression need the support and attention. I mean, we can’t expect our friends and families to jump at every issue. So… logic dictates that checking in during big issues should be enough. Make sure the person is doing well.

And that is one of the many catch-22’s of Depression. My subconscious knows to reserve my limited mental energy for those big issues. As long as I do not have a lot of those at once, I am fine. When a small issue becomes a major issue, though, that is when I am likely to break.

Earlier this week I was working on something for another division. I made a mistake. No big deal. The manager caught the issue in time. The fix would be quick and easy. Bam. Right?

The fix was that I had to call the mail room to stop the multi-piece shipment that was going out. I needed to contact the executive secretary to explain the email could not go out yet. I needed to coordinate with the director to get new signatures. I needed to replace pages in all of the reports. I had to get everything done by the next day while explaining to all of these people why I needed them to do what they needed to do. And the crisis set it.

And the damage set in. I did not have enough energy reserved for all of this. I didn’t break, but I was definitely damaged enough that a water-like substance rolled down from the corners of my eyes for a minute. I managed to convince myself that I was an imposter in a position that no fool should have hired me for in the first place.

Luckily for me, I have an amazing partner that can refill my energy and help me reboot long enough to deal with things, like getting some stranger to jump your car. The next day I was fine.

My point with this post is that in my experience, people with Depression need help in times like this more than when something major happens. If you know someone that suffers from Depression and they joke about something that went wrong, stop and think if maybe that person just lost control of the boulder they were pushing up the hill. Did they just run out of energy?

depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Brave

I am not really a people-person. I am more of a people watcher. I like observing people to see what they do or what they say. If I could have a superpower, I think it would be invisibility of some sort.

I have my moments when I need to be the center of attention, but that’s usually a one-on-one situation or a very brief lack of judgement on my part.

I was taught to follow polite society growing up. People, especially children, should be seen and not hear. Bonus points if you know where that is from. People don’t want the truth. People want happy. People want acceptance. People want to be right. I can’t give them that. I try, but I usually avoid saying anything in order to avoid saying my truth.

Now, keep in mind that I am saying “my truth”, not “the truth”. I do not claim to be right, but I am me. And I wish I could speak my truth more often. Sometimes I feel burdened by all of the thoughts and people in my head, but other times I feel more enlightened.

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Sara Bareilles

depression, Song Lyrics

Darkness

As the sun sets, darkness falls. The once quite landscape is filled with noises that one cannot quite make out. Danger lurks in the corners.

This is my mind.

When darkness falls, will you still see the true colors of my mind?

Cyndi Lauper:

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

[Whisper:] Can’t remember, when I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
True colors are shining through

I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

depression, emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

MindSong

I need a song to distract my mind. It’s been awful lately.

Better Be Good to Me

by the goddess, Tina Turner

A prisoner of your love
Entangled in your web
Hot whispers in the night
I’m captured by your spell
Oh yes I’m touched by this show of emotion
Should I be fractured by your lack of devotion
Should I, should I?

You better be good to me
That’s how it’s gotta be now
Cause I don’t have no use
For what you loosely call the truth
You better be good to me

I think it’s also right
That we don’t need to fight
We stand face to face
And you present your case
And I know you keep telling me that you love me
And I really do want to believe
But did you think I’d just accept you in blind faith
Oh sure babe, anything to please you

You better be good to me
That’s how it’s gotta be now
Cause I don’t have the time
For your over loaded lines
You better be good to me

And I really don’t see why it’s so hard to be good to me
And I don’t understand what’s your plan that you can’t be good to me
What I can’t feel I surely cannot see, why can’t you be good to me
And if it’s not real I do not wish to see, why can’t you be good to me