anxiety, depression, Sleep


It’s 12am and I’m awake. I shouldn’t be. I think my manic episodes are coming back. My brain and my body just get so focused on things at times that I wonder if I am really in control here.

Tonight, I felt the need to have a nightcap. That was 4 drinks ago. My mouth wants to inhale the contents of everything while my body wants to consume the soul of every bottle. (side note: do bottles of alcohol have souls?)

I need to go to sleep because I work in the morning. I am breaking so many of my cardinal drinking rules; and yet, here I am. It’s 12am and I’m awake.

I can’t sleep. I can’t sit still. I can’t focus on any one thing. Also, I’m 20% Scottish I guess. Ancestry DNA keeps updating and I think I just got distracted. But I might get a kilt while I’m here.

I wonder if they have small apartment cats. Like, they have outdoor cats. Do they have “I live in a small apartment but I would love to worship a cat” cat? I miss the apartment on Talbott street with the long hallway that the cats would zoom up and down. And the porch that I would sit on while watching real thunderstorms. If you have never seen it literally raining sideways, you’ve never lived in the Midwest.

I got lost. It’s midnight. I’m not on Talbott street. I don’t have cats to worship. My brain is going 100 miles an hour. I need to go to sleep. Yet, here I am.

depression, Sleep


Sleep is a two-headed monster for me. If I don’t get enough sleep, I get irritable and my anxiety kicks up a notch; however, if I get too much sleep, my depression often tries to keep me under the blankets.

I typically aim for about 8 hours a night and hope for at least 7 hours. I recently purchased a new pillow that is fantastic and has been helping me to stay asleep through the night. I have been debating on taking melanin, but I just don’t like taking pills if I don’t have to (which is why it took 20+ years for me to finally get on antidepressants again)

We do have a sound machine (white noise) during the cooler months. When it is hot out, we have the window unit air conditioner. Those also help. I even have the fabulous eye mask to sleep with so Jason doesn’t wake me up with his phone light.