Last week was rough for me physically. As I try to wrap my brain around the arthritis eating away at my body, I learn new things every single day. Last week, I found a new kind of pain.. When I would stand up, it would feel like someone hit me with a stun gun in the lower back. The pain would ricochet down one of my legs. Luckily, the pain did not travel up and rarely shot down both legs. Don’t you love discovering new things?

I spent pretty much every minute of every day relying on my cane to keep me upright. I often had to stop moving long enough for the pain to stop. But, you know me. I don’t like to let people know that I am struggling. I don’t want people to know that I am in pain. So I put a smile on my face and convince everyone that the sky is blue and the sun is shining down.

I joined a new work group last autumn. The wastewater engineering group needed more support and the company is trying to hold off on hiring people. Therefore, I was transferred over. As you know, engineers are not really known for being the most socially comfortable people. (I joke!). Last Wednesday, I had an in-person meeting with my work group. After the meeting, one of the engineers mentioned that I looked like I was in a lot of pain. (I mean, it could not have been more obvious, lol). I said I was and laughed. The engineer asked me how I was capable of smiling and acting happy when I am in such pain. And that is an answer that few will understand.

I have a lifetime of experience hiding pain. Whether the pain is mental or physical does not matter. I learned at an early age not to complain. I was taught that sharing your struggles and your pain puts other people in uncomfortable positions and causes them undue stress. So, I hide it as best I can. Unfortunately, I have periods like last week where I could not hide the actual signs of pain, but I could put on a smile and bring snacks for everyone to enjoy.