emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Acquaintance

This is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody’s office
I’ll talk but you won’t listen to me
I know what your answer will be
I know you don’t love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don’t know what happened to our love
Today’s the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalize the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody’s office
I’ll talk but you won’t listen to me
I know your answer already
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody’s office
I’ll talk but you won’t listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

 

SINEAD O’CONNOR
“The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance”

depression, emotions, Uncategorized

Hysteria

I understand that different situations affect people differently. I get it. I enjoy being at home watching movies or playing games on my phone. I generally have to talk myself into going out into the world to see people and be social.

I understand that the country is in disrepair right. I understand that the equal rights of many of us are at stake in this upcoming election. We need to reverse the destruction of our resources; the chipping away at civil rights; we need to rebuild our allies.

I also understand that I need to take care of me. The mass hysteria that is all around me is causing me to become hysterical. We don’t live in an either/or country. We live in a country of possibilities and freedoms. We can choose to move forward without going full speed ahead. We can slow down without coming to a complete stop. We can talk without agreeing.

I have been pulling away from some of my social media, zoom calls, texts, and phone calls. I’m not withdrawing into my inner world of depression like I used to. I’m walking away from a brawl that no one is going to win. I’m walking away from a circus where everyone is a performer and no one is in the audience. No one is watching or listening. No one.

I miss my friends and my social activities, but I won’t give up myself or allow myself to get into that brawl or circus. I’m going to sit down with my thoughts for a bit to see where I am and where I am going, but I’m not gone.

depression, Uncategorized

Simple

It was a simple task. Just climb the tree. So simple. If only I weren’t a fish.

I’m finding it very enlightening to see which people are struggling to stay home during this first week of quarantine. Staying home is simple. It’s easy. You just don’t go out. Why can’t you handle that? It’s so easy. You just don’t. go. out.

That’s what I hear when my depression is keeping me from life. From people and events. It’s easy to just grab a bus to the train and head to a city and then walk over there. Just come out to this loud, crazy place and don’t worry about anything. It’s so easy.

There are days that I use more energy and mental power forcing myself out of bed than you use to order a cup of coffee. There are days that I leave the house wondering why I can’t just lay on the couch watching movies or playing games. There are days that I miss birthdays and events and parties because I just can’t. I can’t.

I tried to be there when I could, but I couldn’t always be there. I hated disappointing my friends. I have even lost friends over this issue, but no one’s life was at risk.

Today, I am asking you to stay home. Don’t go out. Don’t travel. Don’t leave. Stay home. There are lives at stake.

Those friends that were disappointed with me, frustrated with me because I couldn’t simply do something so easy as to go to another city, those friends? They can’t stay home for one weekend. They are getting a small glimpse of what I go through daily and they are failing harder than a fish trying to climb a tree.

Simple is as simple does. You thought it was so easy to walk to the train and go for an adventure, while I found it terrifying, difficult, and mind draining. You didn’t understand. Now, you are being asked to do what I want to do every weekend. Stay home. Lay on the count. Don’t do anything. And guess what? You can’t. It’s too difficult for you. Imagine that you have to live like that every day. You can’t go out. You have to stay home. You can’t have contact with other people.

Welcome to the world of bizarro depression. Welcome to my world.

 

depression, emotions

Judgment

I’m a very judgmental person. I think it comes from being judged growing up. Back then, depression was sadness. It was a phase I was going to grow out of. It was a “minor inconvenience”. Alas, it was not so easy. So many horror stories and memories can be tied back to that.

They say that doctors and parents just pump kids full of too much medicine these days, but so much could have been different if I had only been diagnosed earlier. So many embarrassing memories. So much bullying. So much judgment. I think this is where my judgmental views come in to play. Or maybe it’s my christian background. Who knows. I surely don’t.

When I judge you, and be sure that I will, take it with a grain of salt. It has more to do with me than it does with you. I grew up being told that who I am is bad. Being the top of my class wasn’t enough. Being beautiful wasn’t enough. Being me wasn’t enough. I was judged and I carry that torch still.

Moving to California was the best thing that ever happened to me. Well, other than meeting my husband. I was thrown into cultures I didn’t understand. I was tossed into situations with people I didn’t understand. I had to grow. I had to ask questions. I had to become a better, more informed person. I am still growing, but I’ve come a long way. I have met amazing people throughout my life that have helped me to grow.

With that said, I’m still judging not only you, but myself as well. I’m judging the moon, the stars, and even the sun. It’s part of my DNA at this point. The good thing is that I can learn and change. I’ve shown that over the last few years. I may judge you, but I still love you.

depression, emotions, Motivation

Week

I have one more week with my career at FedEx Office. This has been a long road. When I was young (was I ever 19?) I lost my way. Well, I never really knew my way, so I guess I couldn’t lose it. I came out and then buried myself in debt. I made mistakes, friends, enemies, and lost everything shortly thereafter.

I needed help. I was in over my head with debt, depression, and so much more. I got help, though. I was a lucky one. I was bailed out by amazing people that tried to set me on a good path. I wish that would have stuck, but that’s where this story starts.

I was in a new city starting a new life. I needed a job. I was working at Safeway as a cashier, but that wasn’t enough. A relative was working at Kinko’s so he got me an interview and I was hired shortly after. The year as 1995. I had just turned 21 fifteen days before that.

My job at Kinko’s was just temporary. I needed money and I needed to get my finances under control. I was going to get a real job. At 21 I had already failed at my military career. I had failed at many things. I guess this job was something that I just couldn’t fail at. It’s been almost 25 years now and the only consistent thing in my life has been my career with Kinko’s (FedEx Kinko’s, FedEx Office). It’s almost like a child that needs freedom. I know it’s time for me to let go, but it’s so hard.

January 17th will be my last day with the company. It’s been a great journey and an amazing career. I have very few regrets, but I also need to move on and think about my life in later years. I can’t make the same mistakes I made when I was so, so, very young. I learned. I grew. And now I am moving on.

depression

Looks

I won’t post a lot of memes, but this one was too good not to post. It’s sad how often we hear people say that the person didn’t look depressed. Suicidal people don’t have to look down or sad.

If someone tells you that they suffer from depression, don’t use their outward appearance as a gauge on how they are doing. We have had a lifetime to practice looking like nothing is wrong and that the world is rosy. Our laughter is often louder and more frequent. Talk to your friends.