Tag: health

anxiety, depression, emotions

Unreliable

Posted on by Zander Maverick

The not so funny part about having a health issue is that it’s like an onion. The more you look, the deeper the layers go. You start with the obvious layer, the main issue. You have a health issue. The issue is scary. The doctors are scary. The wondering if things will be okay, if you will survive this issue. That is where the layers of onions should end, but they don’t.

Once you peel back that first, obvious layer, you come to the next one. How is this health issue going to change my life? Is this a temporary change or a permanent one. Your life is complex and reliant on who you are right now. Health issues change that.

The next layer covers your partner, the primary person or people in your life. How will this affect them? Will I become a burden? How is my health issue going to change their life? I don’t want to be a burden on the person that has always been there for me. At the same time, I would jump in head first if the roles were reversed. If only that were enough to soften this layer.

Next comes your close friends and family. You don’t expect them to be directly affected too much. You might need help getting some groceries or running an errand. You might need someone to lean on. Someone you trust. You have built a group of people in your life that mean so much to you.

In the beginning, your partner, your close friends, and your family… they will be there for you. Just as you suspect. But the next layer is the part of the onion that puts a tear in your eye. You are not crying at this point, but you wish this recipe of life didn’t need this onion. The people closest to you stop inviting you to events. They get upset with you because you canceled. Again. At first, they stop inviting you to the big trips that take early planning and funding. But it doesn’t end there.

The next layer brings more tears to your eyes. The people in your life start resenting you for your health issue. You have become unreliable and sporadic. You keep disappointing everyone because you just can’t do the thing. But how is it that you can get out and buy groceries if you are so incapacitated? How are you able to do some things but not others?

Over time, the friends and family start to resent you personally. They stop reaching out. They stop calling.

This whole time you are meeting with doctors. You are getting tests performed. Your health is declining. What is the next phase of this health issue? When do you start getting better?

That is when you get to the core of the onion. The people in your life have left. They gave up on you because you changed. You stopped prioritizing them. You stopped being the happy, shiny person you used to be. You look around to the darkness that surrounds. And why? You didn’t change. Your health changed you. That is your sin. That is why you get punished. Having health issues drives people away because they don’t want that touching their lives anymore. They want to go on being shiny, happy people. That is the core of the onion that makes the tears run down your face while you slice away your next steps.

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depression, emotions

Pain365

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Last week was rough for me physically. As I try to wrap my brain around the arthritis eating away at my body, I learn new things every single day. Last week, I found a new kind of pain.. When I would stand up, it would feel like someone hit me with a stun gun in the lower back. The pain would ricochet down one of my legs. Luckily, the pain did not travel up and rarely shot down both legs. Don’t you love discovering new things?

I spent pretty much every minute of every day relying on my cane to keep me upright. I often had to stop moving long enough for the pain to stop. But, you know me. I don’t like to let people know that I am struggling. I don’t want people to know that I am in pain. So I put a smile on my face and convince everyone that the sky is blue and the sun is shining down.

I joined a new work group last autumn. The wastewater engineering group needed more support and the company is trying to hold off on hiring people. Therefore, I was transferred over. As you know, engineers are not really known for being the most socially comfortable people. (I joke!). Last Wednesday, I had an in-person meeting with my work group. After the meeting, one of the engineers mentioned that I looked like I was in a lot of pain. (I mean, it could not have been more obvious, lol). I said I was and laughed. The engineer asked me how I was capable of smiling and acting happy when I am in such pain. And that is an answer that few will understand.

I have a lifetime of experience hiding pain. Whether the pain is mental or physical does not matter. I learned at an early age not to complain. I was taught that sharing your struggles and your pain puts other people in uncomfortable positions and causes them undue stress. So, I hide it as best I can. Unfortunately, I have periods like last week where I could not hide the actual signs of pain, but I could put on a smile and bring snacks for everyone to enjoy.

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anxiety, emotions

Health

Posted on by Zander Maverick

When I get news about my health, I keep it to myself. When I am having tests run, I keep it to myself. I have so many actual, definitive health issues that I don’t want to burden people with the idea of another health issue or the stress of waiting for a test.

I suffer from MDD. On my best days I can laugh while being out and social. I’m still sore and tired. I’m still frustrated and my brain is going haywire, but I’m social and visible.

When I get a cold, my brain tells me I’m dying of ebola or some crazy thing. I mostly keep those brain weasels in check, but I do that by not acknowledging what they say. That means I can’t discuss what tests we are running or what I may have developed. Until there is a confirmation, it stays locked up in my head or comes out disguised as something else.

For the record, my last two health scares have come back negative so I feel validated by this thought process.

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