In the words of a 90s Diva, I have nothing, nothing, nothing!
I don’t have fractured bones. I don’t have inflammation. I don’t have arthritis. I don’t have osteoporosis. I don’t have bone density loss. I have nothing, nothing, nothing..
So I guess my pain isn’t real? My feet, my right ankle, my knees, my right hip. Obviously it’s nothing. The tests prove that. My doctor recommends going on a whole foods diet and exercise.
#hopelessinseattle
I may have a serious choice to make soon. It seems that there is a direct link between people that struggle to find an anti-depressant that works well and high levels of inflammation.
I fall under this category. I have been on more than 6 different anti-depressants in the last two years. They help, but not enough. I’ve also been suffering from joint pain that I was afraid was arthritis (which is why I didn’t say anything for so long). After 6 doctors, including 2 Podiatrists, I have starting to get a clearer picture.
My third Party made a stunning discovery within minutes of our first visit. She noticed signs of vitamin D deficiency in my X-rays. These are X-rays that many other doctors looked at. So we started there. We got the tendons in my feet to stop hurting, but I still have a lot of pain.
My second session with her lead to discussions of pain in places other than my feet. That lead to me being on anti-depressants. That lead to an aha moment. I can’t take antiinflammatories because of my anti-depressants.
So the choice that I seem to have in front of me right now is: do I ween off of my anti-depressants so I can take care of the inflammation that is terrorizing my body? Or do I stay on the safe path and try natural remedies for my inflammation?
I have a follow up with my PCP on Monday. Let’s see what he has to say.
For the record though, this latest Podiatrist is a godsend. If you live in the Bay Area and need a Podiatrist, DM me.
When my depression is running high, I am far more vulnerable to gimmicks and such. I get to the point of questioning my worth so I buy a cure-all, go on a spending spree, or, like today, I spend a ton making my outside more beautiful to hide the inside from the world.
I know this is going to pass. I know this is temporary. I know I have friends and family that value me. I know all of these things and more, but my depression counteracts each of these with devious simplicity.
I’m one of the lucky ones though. I have a network of amazing people that I can rely on. If I need a compliment or help of any kind, there is always someone I can call. I typically don’t, but it’s a huge weight off my shoulders to know that I can.
Today, a vendor at a shop was extremely nice to me. He gave me a free mini-facial. He pointed out the beautiful lines and features in my face. And then he talked about how to make my appearance even better. He was good, and I barely saw it coming.
Hopefully these products will help. In the gay community, it’s easier to get compliments if you looks pretty or you have a buffet body.
Let’s see where these beauty products take me. Maybe it’s worth it. It’s definitely not Maybelline.
Have you ever sat at home detailing everything that you need to tell the doctor about your illness to ensure that they have the perfect picture? Do you sometimes get there and ….
I can’t let my doctor know the entirety of where I am and how I am doing. It seems self deprecating. I am good. If my doctor doesn’t believe that, how can I?
So I tell my doctor stories that are almost truths. My doctor makes me almost better. Everyone wins. You don’t have a crazy son, brother, friend, colleague. I get by.
Pride will be the downfall of human kind. Empathy is gone and intelligent discourse went the way of the dinosaurs. With that said, I’m past my 140 characters.
There are so many ways that Depression is a catch 22. One of the things that brings my mind out and helps to activate productive thinking is a clean space; however, my depression typically warps my brain to avoid cleaning. This is one of the reasons that I love to travel and stay in hotels. It isn’t always the destination that excites me, it’s the fully clean, almost immaculate nature of the rooms.
It took me awhile to realize that having a cluttered space can lead to having a cluttered mind. It took me even longer to realize that this is amplified with Depression. I think I need to have a Brownie adopt me and the apartment.
Again, this falls back to having the motivation and clarity to accomplish things. Those two factors can lead to great successes or stunning failures.
Sleep is a two-headed monster for me. If I don’t get enough sleep, I get irritable and my anxiety kicks up a notch; however, if I get too much sleep, my depression often tries to keep me under the blankets.
I typically aim for about 8 hours a night and hope for at least 7 hours. I recently purchased a new pillow that is fantastic and has been helping me to stay asleep through the night. I have been debating on taking melanin, but I just don’t like taking pills if I don’t have to (which is why it took 20+ years for me to finally get on antidepressants again)
We do have a sound machine (white noise) during the cooler months. When it is hot out, we have the window unit air conditioner. Those also help. I even have the fabulous eye mask to sleep with so Jason doesn’t wake me up with his phone light.
One of the many things that frustrates me about Depression is that it often zaps my motivation. There are days that I just cannot get out of bed. When I do, I struggle to get motivation to to do anything.
Sometimes when I tell people this, they tell me that I am just being lazy; that I just need to be a grown up and deal with being an adult. I wish I were being lazy. I wish I could snap out of it.
There are days that I get up and I feel like the world is my oyster. I get so much done and go places. I get out in the world and shop, pay bills, clean, and whatever I need to do. I love these days. I love these days.
What motivates you when you can’t get going? What keeps you from hiding under the comforter when you Depression is tackling your mind? Sometimes, I just need engagement. Find something that we have in common and push me to do it; but don’t get mad when I don’t do it most of the time.
Also, my beautiful husband is my biggest motivation. I want him to have a great life full of fun and worldly events.
Hello. My name is Aleczander Lourd Maverick and I suffer from Depression. This is my story.
(side note: I am setting this blog up. There will be more to come. This little note is not my entire story, to be sure. There is so much more to come.)
Confessions from Depression 