Tag: depression lies

anxiety, depression

Battles

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have battles going on in my mind and body. Today I want to talk about the one affecting me the most. I have arthritis in my hips. One of the best ways to treat this is to become more active and lose weight. That might be fine and dandy for most people, but my depression doesn’t like to be active. My depression wants me in bed or on the couch. Out of the sun. 

A great way to help reduce the depression in my head is to get outside in the sun. Be active. Be engaging. But the arthritis in my feet and hips makes that more difficult. 

Now for the fun part. There is a liquid that I can consume to help reduce the depression and the pain from the arthritis in the short term. But it makes them both worse in the long term. The wonders of alcohol. 

Would this be a catch-22? A catch-33?

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Uncategorized

Tethers

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I don’t have a lot of tethers in this world. The lack of empathy drains me. The lack of civility hurts me. If I were not tethered to this world, I would have floated away so very long ago.

There are people out there that needs hundreds of tethers or even, in some cases, thousands of tethers. I am lucky enough to have incredible strong tethers, so I do not need as many. The only downside to that is losing one tether causes more damage to me.

This world is a crazy place. Companions come into our lives just to leave. But so does negativity. Tether yourself to your companions, not the negativity

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depression, emotions

Bridges

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Bridges are so ironic. They help to get people from here to there. They cover gaps in pathways. They open up to be more accessible. Bridges are so versatile in their builds.

But bridges also lead to death and destruction. Bridges do no discriminate. Mental health does not discriminate. When you jump off that bridge, the landing spot will not discriminate.

#hashtag #darkturn

How are we supposed to know when our friends or family are suicidal? Do they have a meter on their forehead that shows the level of shit they can no longer deal with? Do they start acting like the world is full of crap and nothing matters? Or do they just welcome what the bridge can bring them?

Suicide is a scary thought for those with normal brains. For others, it’s like breathing. It just happens on a regular basis. I do not really know what people expect from suicidal people though. Do you think they will hop on Facebook and say “Hey! Sunday Fun Day! I am going to jump off the bridge this afternoon, but does anyone want to grab brunch first?”

Death is bitch this way. Depression is a bitch this way. Life is a bitch this way.

#CheckOnYourFriends #MoreOften

*note: I am fine

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Fault

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Yes. It’s my fault.

Does that give you cover? Does your conscience feel better? Are your loved ones relieved?

It is absolutely my fault that you did that shot. It is my fault that you had another drink, that, let’s be honest, you probably didn’t need. It’s my fault that you stayed out past 8pm. That wine tasting? Yep. My fault.

For most of my life, my name has been Aleczander Lourd Maverick and I have been the cause of your fun, your happiness, your regrets, your marital issues, your bathroom experiences. Yes. I am that Aleczander Lourd Maverick.

I am a god of mischief and drinking and sex in the bathroom and lost music and marital disputes and Stephen King. I am. Whatever you need to tell yourself, I am. Just know that as my friend, I support you. I love you. But I am not making your decisions.

My name is Aleczander Lourd Maverick and I approve this message.

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anxiety, depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Death

Posted on by Zander Maverick

As I lay here dying from the plague, I wonder. How do we know when we die? Do we get a little tap on the should? Does something scurry up and tell us that we need to stop and move on? Are there lights or flowers or rages or even storms?

Death is a many sided sword with more meanings than we can think of together. The word death can be rearranged to be The Ad or Hated. Well, what if I just hated the ad that played? Is that death?

As I lay here with my foot on fire, screaming in pain, I wonder. Did my life choices bring me to this point? Was I supposed to be here or did I drag myself here by the ear? Doctors like to tell us that we are what we eat or something. But, now hear me out, what if a fairy or sprite decided to change my fate and bit my foot. Was that always meant to be or was that a course correction?

Fate, like Death, is a many sided sword. We can debate fate all day and never dig past the outer core of the meaning.

As I sit here in my chair writing this, I need you to tell me why. This isn’t nothing but a heartache to try and figure out. As I sit here in my chair, my lungs full of plague, my sinus stuffed with blackness, my foot larger than life and twice as sore, I wonder. How do we know when we die?

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Toxicity

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have been using the word toxicity a lot lately. It’s a funny word, though. Webster’s defines toxicity as the quality, state, or relative degree of being poisonous. While some things are eternally toxic, like nuclear waste, other things are in various degrees of temporary toxic stages.

As an example, let me expose myself for a moment. When things are going rough or my Depression is worse than normal, I can be toxic to be around. When this occurs, I expect my friends and family to put their own well being first. There will be some that have extra reserves that can help me out, but there will be others that are struggling with their own lives. There is never an expectation that anyone and everyone can help me during these times.

When people are toxic, we are usually in degrees or waves of toxicity. While I may be toxic to one person at one point in time, that doesn’t imply that I will always be toxic to them or that I am toxic to everyone. Humans are adaptive that way.

If someone in your life is making you feel bad about yourself or just in general, walk away. For a day, a week, or however long it takes. We have to be our own champions first because we cannot help others when we are struggling ourselves.

This year has been a struggle for me. Life is coming fast and furious. Old anxieties are rising up again. Friendships are being tested. The world is at war with itself. This country went from slowly imploding to rapidly tearing itself apart. We should expect that people are struggling as well.

I have been making the mistake of telling people when I remove others from orbit for being toxic. I do not mean that the person should be avoided by everyone or that I wish them ill. I just mean that at the moment in time that I feel that, the person is toxic to me for one reason or another. In some cases, this can be a friend or acquaintance that I need to avoid for a period of time. It is rare that I need to permanently cut times with someone or some place.

Toxicity is the quality, state, or relative degree of being poisonous at that moment in time.

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depression, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Troy

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Sinead O’Connor was a brave soul, but you know that or you wouldn’t be reading my blog. She called out the toxic behavior of the churches and leaders. She was shunned. We were taught to hate and shun her. But not me. I listened. I learned. I cried. And for love of all of the gods around… I burned.

Sinead had a huge impact on my early years. As time went on, I felt less influenced from her, but I will always have the custom mixes of this song that were made for me.

I remember. Dublin in a rainstorm (in my mind). There will be more Sinead posts. While she wasn’t a huge impact in my life over the last several years, she did have a major impact on my life, my love, and my dreams.

Do you want me?
Should I leave?
I know you’re always telling me that you love me
But just sometimes I wonder if I should believe
Oh, I love you
God, I love you
I’d kill a dragon for you, I’ll die

But I will rise
And I will return
The Phoenix from the flame
I have learned
I will rise
And you’ll see me return
Being what I am
There is no other Troy
For me to burn

Troy by Sinead O’Connor

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depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Flowers

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Depression lies. That’s the truth.

I have a song stuck in my head. The song is Flowers by Miley Cyrus. I am not a huge fan of Miley Cyrus, but she puts out some hits that I love. This song is one of her best, and definitely one of her first “adult” hits. Her voice, her image… she has transformed like a butterfly. Hannah who?

People with depression go through periods where the don’t feel wanted or needed. They feel like they can’t love or be loved. This song shows us how to love ourselves again. The song shows us that we don’t need other people. We only need ourselves.

Flowers by Miley Cyrus:

I can buy myself flowers
Write my name in the sand
Talk to myself for hours
Say things you don’t understand
I can take myself dancing
And I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can

Can love me better
I can love me better, baby
Can love me better
I can love me better, baby

Paint my nails, cherry red
Match the roses that you left
No remorse, no regret
I forgive every word you said

So buy yourself flowers and hold your own hand. Dance like the world isn’t watching and laugh at the ridiculous. You’ve got this. I have this.

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depression

Depressionist

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Depression is a dark and scary place. If you read my posts, you know that. Or you should. I often hear the phrase “if you need help, reach out”. I don’t want to laugh, but, well, here we are.

People that don’t have major depressive disorder just don’t understand it. They don’t understand the daily grind of my mind. Just like I don’t fully understand being diabetic or having fibromyalgia. It really is hard to understand things that are so far outside of “normal”.

Suicide is not a stranger for me. My first bout was in high school. People didn’t like me. I overhead my two best friends talking about how annoying I was and exhausting.

Later in life, it was drunken mistakes that left me humiliated. Did I really do that? Why would I do that/ I lost a close friend to that before I was even legally able to drink.

How do you tell someone that you are having suicidal thoughts? Like, yo, dude, my brain says we shouldn’t be here anymore. What are your thoughts on that? Or, yo, dudette, can you believe that I did that? My brain is ready to check out..

If I call you and say, I am struggling with suicidal thoughts… that permanently changes everything. Whether you want it to or not. So are you really there for anything?

When your depression is strong, you burn through friends quickly. They want to be there for you, but it is not easy. It’s not easy at all.

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anxiety, depression

AvP

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I really enjoyed the Alien vs Predator movies. I really enjoyed the new Predator movie “Prey” even more. But that is not what this is about. This is about me, obviously. Just in case you forgot.

Anxiety attacks and panic attacks are almost the same thing but they are very different. They have similar symptoms, but you shouldn’t confuse the two afflictions. I could describe the differences between the two, but then I would have to kill you.

(Do I need to add a sarcasm note here?)

I have been suffering from anxiety attacks all week. I don’t know why, so don’t ask what’s wrong. Nothing is wrong other than these stupid anxiety attacks. I used to think the difference between the two was external stimuli versus internal stimuli. Then I thought the difference was the intensity of the symptoms. Now… I have no idea.

So, here is where this non-doctor is going. For me, Panic attacks are short and bitter sweet, typically caused by an incident and soon forgotten. Anxiety attacks are my brain fucking with me from all angles on a slight and subtle level over hours.

I keep trying to figure out what is causing the anxiety attacks because everyone keeps asking me. Like, dude, what happened? (Don’t get me started on the people that confuse being anxious about something and having anxiety).

I don’t know what’s causing my anxiety. Maybe I need new meds. Maybe I need talk therapy again. Maybe I need another shot. Maybe I need to leave this apartment. Maybe I need to have sex with Paul Rudd. Who knows? Do you?

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