Tag: bad day

depression, Motivation

Crutches

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all need crutches from time to time, but it seems like people that need crutches because of depression get stigmatized more.

Sometimes it’s the little things that are the most difficult for me. It’s the every day decisions. For example, when you think about making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you probably think about getting the bread, jelly, peanut butter, and a knife to whip it together.

For me, making that same sandwich means walking into the kitchen. Open the fridge and grab the jelly. Walk to the cabinet, open the door and grab the peanut butter. Walk to the other cabinet, open it and grab bread. Walk to the drawer, pull it open and grab a butter knife. Walk to yet another freaking cabinet, open the door and grab a plate. Set everything down on the counter.

Do you see where I’m going with this? I hope so because those instructions are overwhelming me and I’m just typing them.

When a person without depression looks at tasks, they take a lot of steps for granted, which makes it look simple. As a person that has major depressive disorder, my brain creates at least five times the number of steps. If you throw in decisions like which type of jelly… I’m done.

Do you walk up to a person with a cane in the parking lot to tell them that it’s so easy to walk from the car to store without a cane? I hope you don’t. So when you know someone suffers from Depression, try to avoid phrases like “but it’s so easy if you just” or “you don’t need all of that. Just…”

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Fine

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I’m fine. Don’t worry.

Everything is great. No need to worry.

I’m okay. Just tired.

If you suffer from Depression, you know these phrases well. You are constantly reassuring the people around you that everything is fine. Why do we do it? Because there isn’t anything they can do to help, so why make them feel bad.

Most of the time, you will not be able to see when something is wrong. That is from a lifetime of experience and practice. If you think you see something off, chances are things are worse than usual. If you see clear signs that something is wrong, you probably want to intervene. I don’t have many strong signs, but when my hands cover my ears, it means the voices are deafening. My head is so loud that I can’t think. In order to push past my depression, I have to be sharp.

That’s the catch-22. If I’ve gotten to that point, I can’t fix it. I have to wait it out. I need people to understand that I can’t make decisions or have meaningful conversations. I can’t be witty and pretty. I just can’t.

Luckily for me, those extreme episodes are rare or short-lived.

When people suffer from Depression, they get a bit cutoff from their support because it’s really hard to understand what we are going through. Sometimes simple tasks like making a decision or just too damn hard.

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Armor

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I’m starting to see cracks in my armor. When this pandemic started, I was more than happy to stay home. For months I have been going to work and staying home with very little contact with others.

Recently I have noticed that it’s getting harder to leave the house. It’s harder to plan outings again. I spent years breaking out of this type of confinement. Now it seems I’m heading back.

I’m also drinking more. I’m watching the levels of my bottles go down quickly. I’m drinking during the week when I work from home the next day.

My armor is cracking and I’m not sure what to do. I can’t go back to being that person that barely functions. I don’t want to go back to daily anxiety or panic attacks. I don’t want to go back to having a plan in place for a quick escape, knowing my brain will forcing me to flee.

I need to start pushing myself again. It’s rough, but I need it. I need to force myself to go outside and wander. I need to go to a store. I need to fix my armor before it fails me completely.

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depression, emotions, Motivation

Week

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have one more week with my career at FedEx Office. This has been a long road. When I was young (was I ever 19?) I lost my way. Well, I never really knew my way, so I guess I couldn’t lose it. I came out and then buried myself in debt. I made mistakes, friends, enemies, and lost everything shortly thereafter.

I needed help. I was in over my head with debt, depression, and so much more. I got help, though. I was a lucky one. I was bailed out by amazing people that tried to set me on a good path. I wish that would have stuck, but that’s where this story starts.

I was in a new city starting a new life. I needed a job. I was working at Safeway as a cashier, but that wasn’t enough. A relative was working at Kinko’s so he got me an interview and I was hired shortly after. The year as 1995. I had just turned 21 fifteen days before that.

My job at Kinko’s was just temporary. I needed money and I needed to get my finances under control. I was going to get a real job. At 21 I had already failed at my military career. I had failed at many things. I guess this job was something that I just couldn’t fail at. It’s been almost 25 years now and the only consistent thing in my life has been my career with Kinko’s (FedEx Kinko’s, FedEx Office). It’s almost like a child that needs freedom. I know it’s time for me to let go, but it’s so hard.

January 17th will be my last day with the company. It’s been a great journey and an amazing career. I have very few regrets, but I also need to move on and think about my life in later years. I can’t make the same mistakes I made when I was so, so, very young. I learned. I grew. And now I am moving on.

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depression, Motivation

Falling

Posted on by Zander Maverick

It’s funny. I can spend weeks building myself up and getting myself into a positive minds space. I can meditate, take meds regularly, talk to my doctor, and focus on good news. It’s a lot of work, but worth it.

It’s not funny that weeks of hard work can be destroyed by a single encounter with a person or a negative experience. And now I have to get back up and start climbing that hill again. Maybe someday I’ll reach to top of the mountain.

Then again, maybe Charlie Brown will finally kick the football.

 

*Edit: I posted this from my phone so I fixed a few words and corrected some grammar.

**Update: My brain bounced back really fast today. I put on some Cyndi and walked outside from one store to another. I kept listening to music for the rest of the business day with my headphones on, and voila, I was back in my great mind space.

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