depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Young

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Just like my ex, the term young has so many beautiful memories. The 90s. The 2000s. The single years. My love. Cheers to our previous lives. Our old selves. Our histories.

I know I used to be crazy
I know I used to be fun
You say I used to be wild
I say I used to be young

You tell me time has done changed me
That’s fine, I’ve had a good run
I know I used to be crazy
That’s ’cause I used to be young

Take one, pour it out
It’s not worth crying ’bout the things you can’t erase
Like tattoos and regrets
Words I never meant and ones that got away

Left my living fast somewhere in the past
And took another road
Turns out crowded rooms empty out as soon
There’s somewhere else to go, oh

0
Uncategorized

Death Becomes Me

Posted on by Zander Maverick

You know I love my one word headlines, but I am a little needy tonight.

Dear reader. I am sorry that you met me. I have a curse that is running rampant through my body and my life. You, I fear, are next.

I need to give you some lyrics before I get too serious. I mean, I’m not a monster.

Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you
I drink too much and that’s an issue, but I’m okay
Hey, you tell your friends it was nice to meet them
But I hope I never see them again

I know it breaks your heart
Moved to the city in a broke-down car…

I know that this song is meant to be fun, but it is true. I was fine before I met you. All of you. Any of you. I was broken then and I am broken now. Knowing you hasn’t change anything

Now, I hear you. Take a breath. I am not saying you haven’t been an amazing part of my life. We have fun. We have love. We have all of those great feelings that normal people are supposed to have. But. One thing. Just a little bitty thing.

Do you know where I am going?

I am tired. I am so tired. I love you. I love my people. But, I’m tired. I am not able to take the strain of everybody’s life and love and hell. I am a finite being that needs to rest and recover from you and yours.

What’s in your head? There is tiredness and distress in mine. I love some people, but right now, death becomes me.

2
depression, emotions, Motivation

Vision

Posted on by Zander Maverick

There are so many things that we take for granted in life. My vision has been bad for most of my life. I started wearing glasses in the 7th grade. I think I was 11 at the time. Of course I was teased by the other kids. I tried to pretend they weren’t real glasses. They were just a disguise!

Over the last 40+ years, that stigmatism about wearing glasses faded to basically nothing. People wear glasses. I wear glasses. It was just one of those things.

People that don’t wear glasses do no realize how different it can be with glasses. Sometimes I have to take them off because I am spending too much time reading small print. Some times I have to take them off because the sun is too bright and the glasses make it worse.

What does this have to do with Depression? Not much I guess. Except it does. Every little disadvantage that you have is a weapon that Depression can use against you. Like, bitch, you can even see. How successful are you going to be when the world is ending and you can’t find your damn glasses?

Well, I am here to say that I won’t be needing my glasses much longer. That will be one less bullet that Depression has for me.

0
depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Angry2

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Yes. I know that you are angry. You had a fun night and now you wish to bury that knowledge. You wish to brush off your accountability. That night didn’t happen. I get it. I know it. I feel it.

But, porque, it did.

In our country, it’s so easy to blame others for our demise. For our struggles. We can’t accept responsibility. If it weren’t for those meddling kids, we would have gotten away with a better life.

I’m angry.

And I don’t wanna be a monster in the making
I don’t wanna be more bitter than sweet
I don’t know how to be just standing by blankly
Not getting angry

Lola Blanc

I’m not a monster. We are on a journey together. That journey has ups and downs, but those are neither your fault nor mine.

I’m angry. You don’t get to blame me for the skeletons in your head.

0
anxiety, depression, emotions

Fault

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Yes. It’s my fault.

Does that give you cover? Does your conscience feel better? Are your loved ones relieved?

It is absolutely my fault that you did that shot. It is my fault that you had another drink, that, let’s be honest, you probably didn’t need. It’s my fault that you stayed out past 8pm. That wine tasting? Yep. My fault.

For most of my life, my name has been Aleczander Lourd Maverick and I have been the cause of your fun, your happiness, your regrets, your marital issues, your bathroom experiences. Yes. I am that Aleczander Lourd Maverick.

I am a god of mischief and drinking and sex in the bathroom and lost music and marital disputes and Stephen King. I am. Whatever you need to tell yourself, I am. Just know that as my friend, I support you. I love you. But I am not making your decisions.

My name is Aleczander Lourd Maverick and I approve this message.

0
depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Brave

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I was watching a new show and this song came on. It has a heartful tone with haunting lyrics. I love the part about being brave doesn’t always mean winning and moving on. Sometimes it means letting the darkness swallow you so that you can reemerge as a phoenix. A phoenix on fire.

… I am unfolding, I am not holding on
Shattered in pieces, I am the broken one
If you only knew the chaos inside my head
Wish that I could run but I’m just not ready yet

… Just let me hurt a little longer
I’m in a war with no armor
Need to cry an ocean before I’m stronger
Just let me hurt a little longer
Just let me hurt a little longer

… Don’t need a rescue, don’t want a lifeline
I need to crumble, cannot save me this time
Used to think that being brave just meant moving on
Now I sink into the pain until it’s all gonе

Let Me Hurt – Emily Rowed

0
anxiety, depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Death

Posted on by Zander Maverick

As I lay here dying from the plague, I wonder. How do we know when we die? Do we get a little tap on the should? Does something scurry up and tell us that we need to stop and move on? Are there lights or flowers or rages or even storms?

Death is a many sided sword with more meanings than we can think of together. The word death can be rearranged to be The Ad or Hated. Well, what if I just hated the ad that played? Is that death?

As I lay here with my foot on fire, screaming in pain, I wonder. Did my life choices bring me to this point? Was I supposed to be here or did I drag myself here by the ear? Doctors like to tell us that we are what we eat or something. But, now hear me out, what if a fairy or sprite decided to change my fate and bit my foot. Was that always meant to be or was that a course correction?

Fate, like Death, is a many sided sword. We can debate fate all day and never dig past the outer core of the meaning.

As I sit here in my chair writing this, I need you to tell me why. This isn’t nothing but a heartache to try and figure out. As I sit here in my chair, my lungs full of plague, my sinus stuffed with blackness, my foot larger than life and twice as sore, I wonder. How do we know when we die?

0
anxiety, depression, emotions

Toxicity

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have been using the word toxicity a lot lately. It’s a funny word, though. Webster’s defines toxicity as the quality, state, or relative degree of being poisonous. While some things are eternally toxic, like nuclear waste, other things are in various degrees of temporary toxic stages.

As an example, let me expose myself for a moment. When things are going rough or my Depression is worse than normal, I can be toxic to be around. When this occurs, I expect my friends and family to put their own well being first. There will be some that have extra reserves that can help me out, but there will be others that are struggling with their own lives. There is never an expectation that anyone and everyone can help me during these times.

When people are toxic, we are usually in degrees or waves of toxicity. While I may be toxic to one person at one point in time, that doesn’t imply that I will always be toxic to them or that I am toxic to everyone. Humans are adaptive that way.

If someone in your life is making you feel bad about yourself or just in general, walk away. For a day, a week, or however long it takes. We have to be our own champions first because we cannot help others when we are struggling ourselves.

This year has been a struggle for me. Life is coming fast and furious. Old anxieties are rising up again. Friendships are being tested. The world is at war with itself. This country went from slowly imploding to rapidly tearing itself apart. We should expect that people are struggling as well.

I have been making the mistake of telling people when I remove others from orbit for being toxic. I do not mean that the person should be avoided by everyone or that I wish them ill. I just mean that at the moment in time that I feel that, the person is toxic to me for one reason or another. In some cases, this can be a friend or acquaintance that I need to avoid for a period of time. It is rare that I need to permanently cut times with someone or some place.

Toxicity is the quality, state, or relative degree of being poisonous at that moment in time.

0
depression, emotions

Teeth

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I am generally not a vain person. I do not put much stock into what I wear or how my hair looks most of the time. And yet, my teeth have been a defining feature for my entire life.

Growing up, my teeth were bad. They were twisted and turned. They were wild. And because of that, I rarely smiled or laughed without covering my mouth.

Around ten years ago, I used the Invisalign service and straightened my teeth. It was like a new lease on life. I laughed so loud. I smiled so brightly. My mood changed and people noticed.

I am not just here for a history lesson. I am about to go through my terror of bath teeth again. For some ungodly reason, my body is eating one of my teeth. It seems to happen from time to time, like when mammals eat their newborn. And that tooth has to be removed.

So what, you say? Well, I can’t do anything after that tooth is removed for months. Months and months and months. For nearly six months I will have a tooth missing and I will be back in high school being made fun of and tortured. For nearly six months I will be ashamed to smile. I will be less likely to laugh.

I am not ready to go through this journey again.

0
anxiety, depression, emotions

Fifty

Posted on by Zander Maverick

There are fifty states in the United States.

There are fifty shades of gray.

There are Fifty Hotels and Fifty Flowers.

Fifty fucking Fifty.

Growing up, I always had dreams that involved me dying right before my 30th birthday. They happened so often that I thought it was destined.

Well, I’m not 30 anymore.

I’m not 40 anymore.

I’m about to be 50. Where does that take me? Where does that lead me? I didn’t have a long-term plan for this. I don’t have a retirement plan. I wasn’t supposed to be here. How fucked up is that?

Dreams can be so mind bending and realistic all at once.

0