emotions, Uncategorized

Neener

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Every now and then a word or phrase comes along that tosses me back through time. Whether that is an old nickname, a phrase from an era long past, or a jeer, the reaction of my brain to be back in that moment is startling.

I was teased and tormented as a child and a teenager. If that surprises you, please read my blog. Especially the name of it. When kids would make fun of me they would say “neener neener, *name* is a weiner”. Or “neener neener, you’re a peener.

These aren’t highly creative. They aren’t overly insulting either. I find it interesting that a woman that grew up thousands of miles away from me knows the word “neener”. That word just haunts every soul in my body. My cells react like an electric shock has been received. My brain cringes.

Most people have words that transport them through time. What are yours?

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depression, Song Lyrics

Expectations

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I grew up in a small town. I was different, obviously, but there are many reasons. I fell asleep in math classes and woke up to explain what the teacher was lecturing about for the previous 45 minutes. I was going to be smart.

I loved to read books. From the time I could handle a story, I loved to read. I was going to be smart.

I loved science. I loved drama. I loved school. I loved math. I had so many expectations for myself, but I had more for those around me.

I don’t have high expectations of you. Not like I do for me. I do, however, have limits and a baseline. I can live without you.

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depression, emotions

Secrets

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all have secrets. We all have thoughts and pasts that we don’t want to think about. Most of us have tiny secrets that fit in a small box in the corner. Some of us have secrets that are sharp. Razor sharp.

I stumbled across the secret of someone close to me. A close friend, I should say, and I have a thought. If you find something or hear something, stop to think before you ask questions. Will the answer to those questions help you or forward you?

I’m not a fan of the ostrich theory of sticking our head in the sand, but I am also learning  that I’m not a fan of being the Nancy Drew. I want the truth, but I don’t always want to understand the truth.

My hair is naturally darker. My eyes aren’t green. My nails aren’t really this long. I’m not this tall without heels. Your hideous outfit is fabulous. That baby is beautiful.

We have white lies. We have truths. We have lies. We have secrets. We have consequences.

Where do we draw the line? How do we decide what is acceptable? Does this lie help people?

The lines are tearing me apart. I want to go back to the days when people were understandable and readable.

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depression, emotions

Middleton

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I’m a city guy, but sometimes I wish I could settle down in a small town like Star’s Hallow or Middleton. A place where things run slowly and you know your neighbors. But, I’m gay. It’s not that easy.

People like me need to live in big cities. I’m accepted here. I don’t have to know anyone or get along with anyone. I can just be. I can fit in while not concerning myself about others.

Living in a small town means fitting in. It means having everyone know you and like you. Not everyone likes me. Hell, my friends don’t like me some days. But yet, it still get this warm feeling in my heart when I watch Gilmore Girls or Good Witch. That small town life makes me yearn.

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emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Acquaintance

Posted on by Zander Maverick

This is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody’s office
I’ll talk but you won’t listen to me
I know what your answer will be
I know you don’t love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don’t know what happened to our love
Today’s the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalize the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody’s office
I’ll talk but you won’t listen to me
I know your answer already
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody’s office
I’ll talk but you won’t listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

 

SINEAD O’CONNOR
“The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance”

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depression, emotions, Uncategorized

Hysteria

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I understand that different situations affect people differently. I get it. I enjoy being at home watching movies or playing games on my phone. I generally have to talk myself into going out into the world to see people and be social.

I understand that the country is in disrepair right. I understand that the equal rights of many of us are at stake in this upcoming election. We need to reverse the destruction of our resources; the chipping away at civil rights; we need to rebuild our allies.

I also understand that I need to take care of me. The mass hysteria that is all around me is causing me to become hysterical. We don’t live in an either/or country. We live in a country of possibilities and freedoms. We can choose to move forward without going full speed ahead. We can slow down without coming to a complete stop. We can talk without agreeing.

I have been pulling away from some of my social media, zoom calls, texts, and phone calls. I’m not withdrawing into my inner world of depression like I used to. I’m walking away from a brawl that no one is going to win. I’m walking away from a circus where everyone is a performer and no one is in the audience. No one is watching or listening. No one.

I miss my friends and my social activities, but I won’t give up myself or allow myself to get into that brawl or circus. I’m going to sit down with my thoughts for a bit to see where I am and where I am going, but I’m not gone.

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Uncategorized

Captive

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Dear Internet,

I am your captive audience. As I stay in bed with nothing to do, bored of my games, and eyes hurting from my books, I only have you. What do you have for me today? Has that changed in the last hour? Five minutes have passed and I haven’t found anything new.

I would break up with you, but you are all that is left. As my life fades around me, the world swirls away, I am lost in your embrace. I can’t tell if I need you or you need me, but we are captives in this time.

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depression, emotions, Uncategorized

Gambler

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I don’t have a lot of holds to my youth anymore. I work diligently to make it that way. There wasn’t a lot of greatness that came from there.

Music, though, is far different. My tastes are very much tied to my childhood. From Dolly Parton, to Kenny Rogers, and Tina Turner. Footloose and fancy free.

I hate to admit it, but we lost an icon today. While I’m not a country music fan, I did grow up listening to the Gambler, the Island in the Streams, and Ruby. My mother lit a candle for this man and he brought life into our house.

I never met the man, but I’m sad that the world lost him. He affected many of my childhood memories. He made me laugh and gave me hope. His songs made me dance and cry.

If there are two things that I learned from that man it’s that you should never fall in love with a dreamer, but sometimes she believes in me.

Growing up I often struggled with knowing when to hold them and when to fold them. I haven’t thought about this man in years, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t affect my life. My childhood.

Thank you for everything that you taught me. You may be gone, but we’ve got tonight and it’s a fine time to leave.

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depression, Uncategorized

Simple

Posted on by Zander Maverick

It was a simple task. Just climb the tree. So simple. If only I weren’t a fish.

I’m finding it very enlightening to see which people are struggling to stay home during this first week of quarantine. Staying home is simple. It’s easy. You just don’t go out. Why can’t you handle that? It’s so easy. You just don’t. go. out.

That’s what I hear when my depression is keeping me from life. From people and events. It’s easy to just grab a bus to the train and head to a city and then walk over there. Just come out to this loud, crazy place and don’t worry about anything. It’s so easy.

There are days that I use more energy and mental power forcing myself out of bed than you use to order a cup of coffee. There are days that I leave the house wondering why I can’t just lay on the couch watching movies or playing games. There are days that I miss birthdays and events and parties because I just can’t. I can’t.

I tried to be there when I could, but I couldn’t always be there. I hated disappointing my friends. I have even lost friends over this issue, but no one’s life was at risk.

Today, I am asking you to stay home. Don’t go out. Don’t travel. Don’t leave. Stay home. There are lives at stake.

Those friends that were disappointed with me, frustrated with me because I couldn’t simply do something so easy as to go to another city, those friends? They can’t stay home for one weekend. They are getting a small glimpse of what I go through daily and they are failing harder than a fish trying to climb a tree.

Simple is as simple does. You thought it was so easy to walk to the train and go for an adventure, while I found it terrifying, difficult, and mind draining. You didn’t understand. Now, you are being asked to do what I want to do every weekend. Stay home. Lay on the count. Don’t do anything. And guess what? You can’t. It’s too difficult for you. Imagine that you have to live like that every day. You can’t go out. You have to stay home. You can’t have contact with other people.

Welcome to the world of bizarro depression. Welcome to my world.

 

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depression, emotions, Motivation

Good

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I’m a little down these days. I have a cold again. This is the fourth time that I have been sick this year and it’s only February 29th. I’ve gained weight. I’m out of shape. I want to work on these things but I keep getting sick, and I don’t do sick well.

I’m frustrated with myself for spending so much time on the couch playing games or watching television. I’m frustrated that moving is exhausting. If only I could be good when I’m overwhelmed like this. That I would be good if I got and stayed sick.

That I would be good, even if I did nothing
That I would be good, even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

*Alanis Morissette

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