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Choices

I may have a serious choice to make soon. It seems that there is a direct link between people that struggle to find an anti-depressant that works well and high levels of inflammation.

I fall under this category. I have been on more than 6 different anti-depressants in the last two years. They help, but not enough. I’ve also been suffering from joint pain that I was afraid was arthritis (which is why I didn’t say anything for so long). After 6 doctors, including 2 Podiatrists, I have starting to get a clearer picture.

My third Party made a stunning discovery within minutes of our first visit. She noticed signs of vitamin D deficiency in my X-rays. These are X-rays that many other doctors looked at. So we started there. We got the tendons in my feet to stop hurting, but I still have a lot of pain.

My second session with her lead to discussions of pain in places other than my feet. That lead to me being on anti-depressants. That lead to an aha moment. I can’t take antiinflammatories because of my anti-depressants.

So the choice that I seem to have in front of me right now is: do I ween off of my anti-depressants so I can take care of the inflammation that is terrorizing my body? Or do I stay on the safe path and try natural remedies for my inflammation?

I have a follow up with my PCP on Monday. Let’s see what he has to say.

For the record though, this latest Podiatrist is a godsend. If you live in the Bay Area and need a Podiatrist, DM me.

Uncategorized

Gimmicks

When my depression is running high, I am far more vulnerable to gimmicks and such. I get to the point of questioning my worth so I buy a cure-all, go on a spending spree, or, like today, I spend a ton making my outside more beautiful to hide the inside from the world.

I know this is going to pass. I know this is temporary. I know I have friends and family that value me. I know all of these things and more, but my depression counteracts each of these with devious simplicity.

I’m one of the lucky ones though. I have a network of amazing people that I can rely on. If I need a compliment or help of any kind, there is always someone I can call. I typically don’t, but it’s a huge weight off my shoulders to know that I can.

Today, a vendor at a shop was extremely nice to me. He gave me a free mini-facial. He pointed out the beautiful lines and features in my face. And then he talked about how to make my appearance even better. He was good, and I barely saw it coming.

Hopefully these products will help. In the gay community, it’s easier to get compliments if you looks pretty or you have a buffet body.

Let’s see where these beauty products take me. Maybe it’s worth it. It’s definitely not Maybelline.

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Aerosmith

There’s something wrong with my brain today

The lightbulb’s getting dim

There’s a meltdown in your eye

If you can judge a Wiseman

By the way he looks outside

Then mister you’re a better man than I

Uncategorized

Holidaze

I don’t usually get the holiday blues. I’m not sure why they are kicking in this year. I rarely celebrate Christmas or the Winter Solstice. I don’t often have holiday parties or extravagant work parties.

If I seem off to you, I’m sorry in advance. I seem to be having a blue Xmas.

💙

Uncategorized

Tired

I am so tired these days. It seems that no matter how much I sleep, I wake up exhausted. Getting out of bed almost requires a crane.

I have an appointment on Monday. I’m guessing that my meds just aren’t working as well.

My brain has two functions these days: hyper drive and fog city. Either my brain is in overdrive thinking about everything while accomplishing nothing, or I feel like my brain is just done for the day.

I need an energy boost that doesn’t come from coffee or espresso. Maybe a brain injection.

Sadly, as I’ve mentioned before, the one thing that usually helps is a glass or two of wine or mimosas. 😞

depression, Motivation, Sleep, Uncategorized

Energy

I don’t have the energy that I used to. It’s not because I’m older, although I’m sure that plays a part. It’s not because I’m lazy. I am just exhausted. I think the medication is making me tired, as well as the depression itself.

This frustrates me because as I sit in my new(ish) job, I am gaining weight. I want to join a gym to knock off at least a few of the pounds, but I need to save my energy for more important things like grocery shopping, cooking and the like.

My doctor put me on yet another medication. This should kick-start the other medication into controlling my depression better. We’ll see I guess. So far it has helped my focus, but not my energy level. Every three to four hours I start yawning considerably and I feel like I could fall asleep standing up. I actually fell asleep on the bus home, which I do not like doing.

Caffeine helps, but too much puts me to sleep as well. That is one of the weird quirks with my body. I have never heard of anyone that gets sleepy from too much caffeine. Maybe I overdid it when I was younger and trying to finish one more level on whatever game it was that I was playing, keeping myself up all night with Jolt cola.

Who knows. I know that I am tired.