Category: depression

anxiety, depression, Sleep

Midnight

Posted on by Zander Maverick

It’s 12am and I’m awake. I shouldn’t be. I think my manic episodes are coming back. My brain and my body just get so focused on things at times that I wonder if I am really in control here.

Tonight, I felt the need to have a nightcap. That was 4 drinks ago. My mouth wants to inhale the contents of everything while my body wants to consume the soul of every bottle. (side note: do bottles of alcohol have souls?)

I need to go to sleep because I work in the morning. I am breaking so many of my cardinal drinking rules; and yet, here I am. It’s 12am and I’m awake.

I can’t sleep. I can’t sit still. I can’t focus on any one thing. Also, I’m 20% Scottish I guess. Ancestry DNA keeps updating and I think I just got distracted. But I might get a kilt while I’m here.

I wonder if they have small apartment cats. Like, they have outdoor cats. Do they have “I live in a small apartment but I would love to worship a cat” cat? I miss the apartment on Talbott street with the long hallway that the cats would zoom up and down. And the porch that I would sit on while watching real thunderstorms. If you have never seen it literally raining sideways, you’ve never lived in the Midwest.

I got lost. It’s midnight. I’m not on Talbott street. I don’t have cats to worship. My brain is going 100 miles an hour. I need to go to sleep. Yet, here I am.

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anxiety, depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Money

Posted on by Zander Maverick

They say that money can’t buy happiness. I wonder who “they” are in this saying. I have to say that having money can make one happier.

Money can’t buy it, baby
Sex can’t buy it, baby
Drugs can’t buy it, baby
You can’t buy it, baby

I’m going to flip scrip on Ms. Lennox. I am going to reach into the heart of a boy that grew up without money; without happiness.

Money can buy it. Sex can buy it. Drugs can buy it. You can buy it.

Money can buy happiness in the sense of not stressing about how to pay rent or buy groceries. Sex can buy happiness buy providing validation to a person’s self. Drugs can buy the mental calmness that eludes oneself. You can buy all of these things for me.

But buying these won’t make me happy. Money won’t guarantee happiness. Sex won’t guarantee validation. Drugs won’t guarantee a better mind. You won’t guarantee a happier me.

There is a world of difference between can/can’t and will/won’t. That distinction is critical.

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anxiety, depression, Motivation

Breathe

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Sometimes my body forgets how to breathe. I don’t know why, but it does. It’s random. I will be going about my business and suddenly I can’t breathe. I don’t mean an asthma attack situation, I just can’t expand my lungs to take in a breath. My chest gets tighter as the seconds go by and a panic will start in the corner of my brain. Luckily, like a swimmer breaching the surface of a cool ocean, my lungs expand and I intake a huge breath.

I assume this has something to do with my depression or anxiety. I mean, it has to, right? I take my pills throughout the day to avoid the majority of my issues. My life is better than it has been thanks to those pills. I just… feel like something has to give.

There are side effects that I have from the medications, but they are far less damaging than the underlying issue. I wonder, though, if I can do more. There is an old phrase that says something like “Go big or go home”. I could go big and try the TMS option, but do I need to? Are the risks worth the potential reward?

I hope that my breathing keeps on going for a long time. I sometimes worry that worrying over the little things will lead me to do something crazy. Other times I worry that I am too scared to do what needs to be done. And yet, another part just likes to float along on the mimosa train, bouncing between television that I listen to, but don’t really watch, and the games on my phone.

Pieces and parts. Muscles and breathing. Mind and…

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Abused

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Abuse comes in many forms. Sometimes you don’t know you are being abused until much later or until someone tells you.

I recently completed a project for my new boss. I sent her an email to let her know it was finished (Covid-19 days). She sent a response that I took to mean that I completely messed up the project. I was frantic and stressed. I looked at her instructions and I look at my results and I didn’t understand. Where did I go wrong?

A few minutes later she walked by and told me how great it is to have me on her staff; how much she appreciates the work I do. I was confused again. I read her instructions again and looked over my work. Then I read her email again. And again. And again. She wasn’t criticizing me. She was expanding on a question I had. The judgement was all in my head.

Sometimes abuse leaves scars. Even when we don’t know we are being abused. Even when we can’t admit we were being abused.

I love my new environment, but I often feel like Cinderella at her home trying to be as good as her step sisters. She will never live up to that because the mental and emotional abuse she has endured has told her that the step sisters are a goal to be. In reality, Cinderella is better off without them. She’s better off once she understands that life was abusive.

I’m better off, but I still have flashbacks.

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depression, emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

MindSong

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I need a song to distract my mind. It’s been awful lately.

Better Be Good to Me

by the goddess, Tina Turner

A prisoner of your love
Entangled in your web
Hot whispers in the night
I’m captured by your spell
Oh yes I’m touched by this show of emotion
Should I be fractured by your lack of devotion
Should I, should I?

You better be good to me
That’s how it’s gotta be now
Cause I don’t have no use
For what you loosely call the truth
You better be good to me

I think it’s also right
That we don’t need to fight
We stand face to face
And you present your case
And I know you keep telling me that you love me
And I really do want to believe
But did you think I’d just accept you in blind faith
Oh sure babe, anything to please you

You better be good to me
That’s how it’s gotta be now
Cause I don’t have the time
For your over loaded lines
You better be good to me

And I really don’t see why it’s so hard to be good to me
And I don’t understand what’s your plan that you can’t be good to me
What I can’t feel I surely cannot see, why can’t you be good to me
And if it’s not real I do not wish to see, why can’t you be good to me

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depression, emotions, Motivation

Crying

Posted on by Zander Maverick

My brain is being awful today. It won’t let up. It won’t stop attacking. I’m frustrated and now I’m in my cubicle crying.

It’s not a full on bawling, mascara running kind of cry. It’s more like a silent, avoiding a serial killer and staying quiet, kind of cry.

I know I can go home, but my brain tells me that I’m a failure if I do. There are so many people that would love to have the option to be working right now, to get out of the house. My brain tells me that this emotional state is my own making and I need to suffer.

I don’t have a fun song in my head today. I need one, though. I need something to loop constantly to distract me. I guess I’ll search for fun songs for pandemics or something.

Anyway, I’m having a rough day, but depression lies. I know that in my heart. I know that in my bones. I just wish I could remember it right now. Depression lies and I’m hanging tough.

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Rise-up

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I’m an empath. I try to feel the world from the perspective of other people. I try to view the world as they would. This doesn’t always work. While my experiences may be similar or slightly in the same realm of reality, it isn’t always the same. This is dangerous because more often than not I can get close to understanding.

When I’m not close, however, I am a world away from the other person’s experience. It’s hard to understand and empathize with someone when you live in different worlds.

My heart is pure as the sex driven snow. My natural instinct is to understand and empathize with you. Just know that I am not always close or on the same path

Just know, that when you are close to me, I will rise up. I’ll try to understand. I’ll light the fireworks for the world to see. I’ll move mountains. But I may not always be right.

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depression, Song Lyrics

Expectations

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I grew up in a small town. I was different, obviously, but there are many reasons. I fell asleep in math classes and woke up to explain what the teacher was lecturing about for the previous 45 minutes. I was going to be smart.

I loved to read books. From the time I could handle a story, I loved to read. I was going to be smart.

I loved science. I loved drama. I loved school. I loved math. I had so many expectations for myself, but I had more for those around me.

I don’t have high expectations of you. Not like I do for me. I do, however, have limits and a baseline. I can live without you.

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depression, emotions

Secrets

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all have secrets. We all have thoughts and pasts that we don’t want to think about. Most of us have tiny secrets that fit in a small box in the corner. Some of us have secrets that are sharp. Razor sharp.

I stumbled across the secret of someone close to me. A close friend, I should say, and I have a thought. If you find something or hear something, stop to think before you ask questions. Will the answer to those questions help you or forward you?

I’m not a fan of the ostrich theory of sticking our head in the sand, but I am also learning  that I’m not a fan of being the Nancy Drew. I want the truth, but I don’t always want to understand the truth.

My hair is naturally darker. My eyes aren’t green. My nails aren’t really this long. I’m not this tall without heels. Your hideous outfit is fabulous. That baby is beautiful.

We have white lies. We have truths. We have lies. We have secrets. We have consequences.

Where do we draw the line? How do we decide what is acceptable? Does this lie help people?

The lines are tearing me apart. I want to go back to the days when people were understandable and readable.

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depression, emotions

Middleton

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I’m a city guy, but sometimes I wish I could settle down in a small town like Star’s Hallow or Middleton. A place where things run slowly and you know your neighbors. But, I’m gay. It’s not that easy.

People like me need to live in big cities. I’m accepted here. I don’t have to know anyone or get along with anyone. I can just be. I can fit in while not concerning myself about others.

Living in a small town means fitting in. It means having everyone know you and like you. Not everyone likes me. Hell, my friends don’t like me some days. But yet, it still get this warm feeling in my heart when I watch Gilmore Girls or Good Witch. That small town life makes me yearn.

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