Category: depression

depression, emotions, Motivation

Older

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I am older today than I was yesterday. It seems like such an amazing thing to say you are alive and another day older. Yet, there are those, especially in the gay community, that view that age as a disability. I am not just another day older. I am a figment of an ancient past. An artifact to be tossed in a museum.

The fight to be relevant in the gay community ended decades ago for me. I just do not care. I am not going to be a certain way or dress a certain way. I am not going to like something just because the community has embraced.

I like my gay bars. Community bars just aren’t the same. The protection and safety are not there. The younger generations may not understand the need for protection and safety when it comes to going out since the country has evolved quite a bit, especially in major cities.

I may be old and I may be an artifact, but Zeus was never a spring chicken either, baby.

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depression

Cleaning

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I want to start a non-profit cleaning service for people with major depressive disorder. I don’t have the energy though. Or the money. Or the desire to clean.

I am certain that there could be government funding for this. Plus fundraising.

People with MDD get in periods where everything is impossible and you have to choose between putting on pants or doing the dishes. Between showering or cleaning the bathroom. Trash can pile up. And the worse things get, the more overwhelming it gets.

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depression, word of the day

Talisman

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Well this word of the day is just fine and dandy. Do you read Stephen King novels? Do you like his fantasy style? Then you will love the book called The Talisman that is co-authored with Peter Straub. The basic idea is that we all have a twin in a parallel world called a Twinner.

Surprisingly, I have only read this book twice. I read the original when it came out and then I read the original again when the sequel came out. Thanks to Merriam-Webster making this the word of the day, I just found out that Amblin Partners is planning to make this into a series on Netflix. I can not wait!

Any way. From Merriam-Webster

What It Means

A talisman is something that is believed to have magic powers and to bring good fortune.

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depression, word of the day

Jovial

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Jovial means “markedly good-humored” and describes people and things that are cheerful or full of joy. Merriam-Webster

I hope you all have a great holiday that is jovial and stress-free. Today is a day to remember our country’s history while being thankful that we made it another year.

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depression, word of the day

Feign

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Feign means “to give a false appearance of something.” Merriam-Webster dictionary

I often feign happiness. I don’t want people to see me when I’m struggling. A little joke here, an inappropriate comment there, and the diversion is complete.

I think most people with Depression will understand the word of the day today. While they may not use the word, it most likely applies to them.

I started the word of the day posts in the hopes that I would get better about posting.

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depression, Motivation

Appointment

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have a confession to make. I have an appointment with a psychologist. I think I’m ready to try and move another step forward. It is so easy to say that I’m good. I don’t need to improve. But I do.

I want to build a craft area where I can make and perfect my bath and body products. I want to finalize the name of the LLC that I’m going to start and create a logo. I want my friends and colleagues to think of me when they are buying small gifts for people.

I want more.

Change is hard though. Some of my steps forward have been disastrous. I lost a few friends and acquaintances during one of those steps. I don’t mind. I know I’m difficult. I just have to remember that these appointments and these steps forward have consequences outside of me. That’s why it’s hard to do this.

But I am doing this.

I am taking the next step.

I have an appointment.

2
depression, emotions

Amends

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I feel like I am stuck in a nightmare and cannot wake up. I left for my trip to Indiana on Thursday, but I never made it there. I made it to the Dallas Fort Worth airport and then became stuck in a mess of cancellations and bad luck. My flight kept getting delayed over and over until, finally, it was just cancelled. American Airlines sent me a text to book a room, but they only paid for one night. They did not pay for the ride to the hotel. Or the ride back. The rebooked my flight for three days later. On my four day trip.

I made it to the hotel that night to find the handrail in the elevator was not attached to the wall. Simply leaning on the rail caused it to drop off. That was fun. The next morning I realized the sheets had dried blood spots on them. More fun.

I spent the night and half of Friday trying to rebook my trip to get to Indiana on Friday, or even early on Saturday. I finally gave up and asked them to send me home.

After $1,200 and more than 48 hours, I finally made it home. But I can’t get out of this funk that I am in. This darkness keeps wrapping itself around me. What did I do to anger the gods so much? I just do not know.

How do I make amends?

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depression, emotions, Uncategorized

Me

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Sometimes Google memories will show me a picture of myself and I’m happy and I’m laughing and I wonder, who is that person? How did that happen? But then I think back and my memory reminds me, there have been happy times. I have to remember that.

But when I get into my darkness and my little corner where there’s no light it’s sometimes hard for me to see that person. But luckily for me, Google memories keeps those thoughts close.

Sometimes it’s important to look back to see happier times and happier me. There is a fine line, though, between looking back fondly and getting stuck in the past.

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depression

Untoward

Posted on by Zander Maverick

My word of the day is Untoward. I feel like the babies and children in the airport have untoward behaviour. Their screaming and running around is not popular with travelers. Many of us are visible annoyed.

When it comes to perceiving other people, I am often too sensitive to what people say and how they say it. Sometimes a person is being friendly, even though I perceive them with untoward behavior. I see and hear anger and annoyance when it’s not really there.

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depression, Motivation

Raiment

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I thought I would be clever and download a Word of the Day app. I have gotten into the habit of having one word titles on my posts, so why not.

Today’s word is Raiment. That is an old fashioned word for fancy clothing.

Sometimes I like to put on my raiment and walk about to boost my mood. I’m fancy that way.

I’m not sure this is going to work, though. I guess we will see. If it pushes me to at least post more, maybe it will be worth it baby.

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