Category: depression

depression, emotions

Teeth

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I am generally not a vain person. I do not put much stock into what I wear or how my hair looks most of the time. And yet, my teeth have been a defining feature for my entire life.

Growing up, my teeth were bad. They were twisted and turned. They were wild. And because of that, I rarely smiled or laughed without covering my mouth.

Around ten years ago, I used the Invisalign service and straightened my teeth. It was like a new lease on life. I laughed so loud. I smiled so brightly. My mood changed and people noticed.

I am not just here for a history lesson. I am about to go through my terror of bath teeth again. For some ungodly reason, my body is eating one of my teeth. It seems to happen from time to time, like when mammals eat their newborn. And that tooth has to be removed.

So what, you say? Well, I can’t do anything after that tooth is removed for months. Months and months and months. For nearly six months I will have a tooth missing and I will be back in high school being made fun of and tortured. For nearly six months I will be ashamed to smile. I will be less likely to laugh.

I am not ready to go through this journey again.

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Fifty

Posted on by Zander Maverick

There are fifty states in the United States.

There are fifty shades of gray.

There are Fifty Hotels and Fifty Flowers.

Fifty fucking Fifty.

Growing up, I always had dreams that involved me dying right before my 30th birthday. They happened so often that I thought it was destined.

Well, I’m not 30 anymore.

I’m not 40 anymore.

I’m about to be 50. Where does that take me? Where does that lead me? I didn’t have a long-term plan for this. I don’t have a retirement plan. I wasn’t supposed to be here. How fucked up is that?

Dreams can be so mind bending and realistic all at once.

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depression, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Troy

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Sinead O’Connor was a brave soul, but you know that or you wouldn’t be reading my blog. She called out the toxic behavior of the churches and leaders. She was shunned. We were taught to hate and shun her. But not me. I listened. I learned. I cried. And for love of all of the gods around… I burned.

Sinead had a huge impact on my early years. As time went on, I felt less influenced from her, but I will always have the custom mixes of this song that were made for me.

I remember. Dublin in a rainstorm (in my mind). There will be more Sinead posts. While she wasn’t a huge impact in my life over the last several years, she did have a major impact on my life, my love, and my dreams.

Do you want me?
Should I leave?
I know you’re always telling me that you love me
But just sometimes I wonder if I should believe
Oh, I love you
God, I love you
I’d kill a dragon for you, I’ll die

But I will rise
And I will return
The Phoenix from the flame
I have learned
I will rise
And you’ll see me return
Being what I am
There is no other Troy
For me to burn

Troy by Sinead O’Connor

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depression, Song Lyrics

Reality?

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I am chilling out on my balcony today. I went in for jury duty selection but was not selected. Now I am watching what appears to be a bird arguing with two squirrels. For the backstory, our upstairs neighbor has a bird feeder that is seemingly gourmet based on the crap that falls down on our balcony. The feeder is also not protected against squirrels based on how often they are up there.

So now, I’m laying on my balcony listening to a bird argue with two squirrels. The food is not meant for them. The food is for the birds. But, the squirrels argue, the food is tasty for squirrels as well and there is not a sign stating that squirrels cannot enjoy the buffet.

While all this is going through my head, I start singing.

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landside,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes,
Look up to the skies and see,
I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy,
Because I’m easy come, easy go,
Little high, little low,
Any way the wind blows doesn’t really matter to
Me, to me

*Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen

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depression, Motivation, Uncategorized

Breakdown

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I almost had a breakdown today. Like a full blown hide in the closet with a bottle of Popov breakdown. But I didn’t. I’m not sure if I should be disappointed in myself for getting so close or proud of myself for not going full blown.

I think I have added Attention Deficit Disorder to my list of qualities. I struggle to focus. Trying to do multiple things at once can be overwhelming.

I need to be careful when I’m feeling on top of the world. Sometimes, there is nowhere to go but down.

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depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Unfriended

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I am not a great friend to most people. I am A LOT. And I know that. I frequently cancel plans at the last minute. I struggle with committing to plans. I don’t reach out enough and I am not good at consoling or pampering others. I get it. Yet again, I’m unfriended.

It hurts when people unfriend me, but in a way similar to my knees hurting. I am so used to it, that it just feels normal.

I don’t want people to unfriend me, but I don’t expect them to put up with me either. I have great energy and limitless kindness, but I really am a lot. My depression takes me through dark tunnels and sunny days while rain comes up from the ground.

If you need constant attention, do not look to me. Well, unless you are a hot man that wants to be worshipped. :O

And just like that I am off on the sexual comments. See? A LOT.

As the great Cyndi Lauper crooned (obviously out of context):

Don’t call me in the middle of the night no more
I don’t want to be your friend
Don’t think that it will be the way it was before
I don’t want to be your friend…
Don’t expect me to be there
‘Cuz I don’t wanna be your friend

Cyndi Lauper – I don’t want to be your friend

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depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Flowers

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Depression lies. That’s the truth.

I have a song stuck in my head. The song is Flowers by Miley Cyrus. I am not a huge fan of Miley Cyrus, but she puts out some hits that I love. This song is one of her best, and definitely one of her first “adult” hits. Her voice, her image… she has transformed like a butterfly. Hannah who?

People with depression go through periods where the don’t feel wanted or needed. They feel like they can’t love or be loved. This song shows us how to love ourselves again. The song shows us that we don’t need other people. We only need ourselves.

Flowers by Miley Cyrus:

I can buy myself flowers
Write my name in the sand
Talk to myself for hours
Say things you don’t understand
I can take myself dancing
And I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can

Can love me better
I can love me better, baby
Can love me better
I can love me better, baby

Paint my nails, cherry red
Match the roses that you left
No remorse, no regret
I forgive every word you said

So buy yourself flowers and hold your own hand. Dance like the world isn’t watching and laugh at the ridiculous. You’ve got this. I have this.

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depression, Song Lyrics

#Nine

Posted on by Zander Maverick

It’s time for a flashback song.

I’ll kiss you!

The gypsy told me that the first thing
That would happen you get dizzy
Second thing you better make sure
That your boyfriend isn’t busy
Cause you won’t wanna eat
And you won’t wanna drink
You won’t wanna talk
And you won’t wanna think
My mother used to tell me not to
Kiss on this first date
This time when I see you, you
Know I ain’t gonna wait!
I’ll Kiss you
Gonna corner you and not let you go
I’ll Kiss you

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depression, emotions

Confessing

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I know the last week has been a little bit dark on here. Just keep in mind that if I am on here confessing and putting my struggles onto paper (so to speak) that means I am doing well. Maybe even great.

Confessing my struggles is a way of purging the negativity out of my head. When I am struggling the most, I tend to withdraw and hide. I tend to avoid most things, especially outside interactions.

If reading about my struggles is hard or painful for you, please stop reading. I am here to make my world, and the world at large, a better place. Sometimes that means opening the oven door and letting the cockroaches out.

This blog is meant to be comforting and informative. Not painful. Not scary.

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depression, emotions, Motivation

Inaugural

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have a confession to make. I was 16 years old when I tried to commit suicide for the first time. It wasn’t about being gay, it was about belonging. Most of you won’t get this since you haven’t worked with old school phones, but sometimes when you hang those up, they don’t fully hang up. And you can still hear what the people on the other side are talking about. The old school landlines were like a portal. You had to actively and definitively cut the connection or it would stay open.

I have never repeated this story. I don’t think anyone knows about this. My best friend in high school went to visit another close friend of his. We talked on the phone at some point, but when he hung up the phone, the connection wasn’t severed. As I held the receiver to my phone, I heard them talking about how annoying it was to be friends with me. How clingy I am. And it kept going.

An hour later I took 200 Tylenol pills. I was done. I was ready to try something different. I didn’t want to be a burden or an embarrassment.

That was the first time that I tried to end my life, but it wasn’t the last. Depression is sneaky and angry and constant. No one likes me. Everyone is laughing at me. Those people over there are talking about me. I’m too poor to have pants that fit correctly. My hair is stupid. I’m awkward. Am I one of those homosexuals?

Depression lies.

Depression lies.

Depression lies.

I never recovered from that phone call. It just got worse. And worse. I fumbled with recovery. I forced myself into people’s lives to show them that I was fun, I was a good guy. I wasn’t a bad person. I pushed to be accepted with people that just didn’t want to take me on.

That was the beginning of my suicide attempts, but it wasn’t the end. It was also the beginning of my struggle to figure out who I was and what I wanted to be. It took several attempts and an act of love to break me out of that cycle.

I have a confession to make. I have never told anyone this story. My heart breaks for the 16 year old me laying in the grass, throwing up as the Tylenol made it’s way through my system. I have never told anyone that my best friend came home and kicked me out of his life because of my failure and struggle. I learned early on that people are incapable of understanding the effects of depression.

I have a confession to make. I suffer from major depressive disorder. I am not normal. I am not fine. But I am okay. And I am thriving.

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