Author: Zander Maverick

My name is Zander. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was a young kid. I spent most of my life ashamed of this and hid it from everyone the best I could. Today, I am no longer ashamed and I want to be sure that others can get out from under the stigma of mental health issues. This is my little piece of the world.
anxiety, depression

Security

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Safety or Security? Which do you choose? I feel secure that California will protect my human rights. I feel secure that I won’t lose the right to be married to my husband. But I don’t feel safe in Oakland anymore. I don’t feel safe in most of the Bay Area anymore. I am not comfortable riding my bike to the store because I know in the 15 minutes that I am in the store, my bike will get stolen. 

I am visiting my family in Indianapolis this week. I forget how wholesome and safe this place feels. I can sit on the front porch and say high to people walking by. I can walk around at night. I can leave things in my car. But I am not secure here. When the Supreme Court overturns the right to marriage equality, I won’t have my legal marriage anymore.  

I miss having a large home. I miss having a yard and a front porch to sit on. I don’t miss the winters, but I do miss thunderstorms. I miss the openness but not having to rely on a car to get anywhere. (I had to drive 5 miles to get a cup of coffee that wasn’t from a gas station).

My heart hurts. My mind is healing. My soul is comforted. Maybe I just needed to visit again. Maybe living here isn’t the answer. I need a new home. I need a safe space. I need security. Where do I find that?

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Tethers

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I don’t have a lot of tethers in this world. The lack of empathy drains me. The lack of civility hurts me. If I were not tethered to this world, I would have floated away so very long ago.

There are people out there that needs hundreds of tethers or even, in some cases, thousands of tethers. I am lucky enough to have incredible strong tethers, so I do not need as many. The only downside to that is losing one tether causes more damage to me.

This world is a crazy place. Companions come into our lives just to leave. But so does negativity. Tether yourself to your companions, not the negativity

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Uncategorized

Balance

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We need to have a balance in our life. This includes our friends and our family. Too much negativity or drama can be uncomfortable. At the same time, too much positivity and success can also be uncomfortable.

People aren’t perfect. I’m not. You’re not (unless you are Jensen Ackles). 

We have to put the people in our lives on a scale. We have to ask. When someone is dragging negativity into our lives, we can’t just drop them. We have to balance them. Does the happiness and positivity outweigh the negative?

We are all struggling. We need to stop expecting perfection from each other. We need to take a breath and think about why we are upset by something or someone. Are we sensitive? Are we triggered?

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depression, emotions

Bridges

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Bridges are so ironic. They help to get people from here to there. They cover gaps in pathways. They open up to be more accessible. Bridges are so versatile in their builds.

But bridges also lead to death and destruction. Bridges do no discriminate. Mental health does not discriminate. When you jump off that bridge, the landing spot will not discriminate.

#hashtag #darkturn

How are we supposed to know when our friends or family are suicidal? Do they have a meter on their forehead that shows the level of shit they can no longer deal with? Do they start acting like the world is full of crap and nothing matters? Or do they just welcome what the bridge can bring them?

Suicide is a scary thought for those with normal brains. For others, it’s like breathing. It just happens on a regular basis. I do not really know what people expect from suicidal people though. Do you think they will hop on Facebook and say “Hey! Sunday Fun Day! I am going to jump off the bridge this afternoon, but does anyone want to grab brunch first?”

Death is bitch this way. Depression is a bitch this way. Life is a bitch this way.

#CheckOnYourFriends #MoreOften

*note: I am fine

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depression, emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Tennesse

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all have a journey in front of us. We can take that journey or stay home. We have a choice but not always the tools needed to join the journey. I am thankful that I could go on my journey to California.

#lyrics

I’m up and jaws are on the floor
Lovers in the bathroom and a line outside the door
Blacklights and a mirrored disco ball
Every night’s another reason why I left it all

I thank my wicked dreams
A year from Tennessee
Oh, Santa Monica
You’ve been too good to me
Won’t make my mama proud
It’s gonna cause a scene
She sees her baby girl
I know she’s gonna scream

God, what have you done
You’re a pink pony girl
And you dance at the club
Oh mama, I’m just having fun
On the stage in my heels
It’s where I belong down at the
Pink Pony club

*via Pink Pony Club, Chappell Roan

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Rock

Posted on by Zander Maverick

You are my rock.

We say this about people that keep us grounded. We say this about people that keep us on track. We say this. But. What happens when the rock crumbles?

What happens when everyone that is your “rock” has started to crumble and break. When you are the only one still fumbling around in a world without knowing. When your foundation starts to fall without notice.

How do you recover knowing that your support beams are warped, broken, and failing? How do you move on without unconsciously blaming them for not helping?

My father died. The people that helped me recover from that are dying from the same fucking shit. How do I not blame myself for that?

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anxiety, depression

2024

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have learned a lot on my trip to Las Vegas for Christmas 2024. I live in a safe bubble within the United States. A safe haven for those in need. A safe haven with possibilities and hope and love.

Las Vegas was filled with trump supporters. I could feel the aura of ignorance, hopelessness, hatred, and anger. Everything that he has built is destroying not only this country, but Christianity itself within the United States.

Love thy neighbor. Peacefully bring people together instead of forcing religion on everyone. If Jesus is real, he needs to come back. People are destroying this world in his name. He needs to remove the false prophets and followers. Maybe his father needs to wipe the world clean again.

It is so laughable that the people that wear their religion on their sleeves are most likely to be the least christ-like.

I will not be spending much time in trump states. I am not mentally strong enough to handle that much hate, ignorance, and hopelessness.

Jesus Christ would never support Donald Trump. He would condemn him for his rhetoric. His hate. His anger. We need to be more like Jesus Christ and less like MAGA.

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depression, emotions

PhysicalPsychiatry

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have decided to invent a new type of therapy. Physical Psychiatry. I so often need to curl up in a ball and let the world move around me without me involved. But, what if I could go to a therapist and curl up into a physical ball and they massage my head and neck. And then they ease all of the muscles that are tightened up while telling me that I matter and I am a good person that adds to the best of humanity.

I need a therapist to acknowledge what I am going through as well as what I went through. But this is both a mental and physical issue. I am happy that someone solved my brain issues for a hot minute or my knots for a bit.

And hear me out here. What if someone could work the physical stress along with the mental stress? I need a therapist that can be the big spoon to my cuddles while dealing with my mental issues. Treat my mental and physical depression.

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Uncategorized

#fucked

Posted on by Zander Maverick

People are born into their circumstances. They are created by the greater good. We do not have the same chances though. We do not have the same allowances.

I am gay.

That should be enough for you to understand the struggles that I have been through over my life, but it is not. The kids these days do not understand my struggles. The straights do not understand the loss of opportunities.

No one understands the pain of having your entire future destroyed because some people do are uncomfortable with men having sex with men.

Fucked.

I was an intelligent child. I was odd and an outsider. I stood up for me and my people when I could. I was never enough. Most people from then do not even remember me.

A cute guy was nice to me when I was 19. I couldn’t understand why. Did he think I was intelligent? Did he love me? Did he want the sex with me? Did he treat me nicely because of the people I knew?

Fucked.

I guess the biggest lesson from those days is that if they don’t ask, we shouldn’t tell them.

Fucked.

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