Tag: family

anxiety, depression, emotions

Unreliable

Posted on by Zander Maverick

The not so funny part about having a health issue is that it’s like an onion. The more you look, the deeper the layers go. You start with the obvious layer, the main issue. You have a health issue. The issue is scary. The doctors are scary. The wondering if things will be okay, if you will survive this issue. That is where the layers of onions should end, but they don’t.

Once you peel back that first, obvious layer, you come to the next one. How is this health issue going to change my life? Is this a temporary change or a permanent one. Your life is complex and reliant on who you are right now. Health issues change that.

The next layer covers your partner, the primary person or people in your life. How will this affect them? Will I become a burden? How is my health issue going to change their life? I don’t want to be a burden on the person that has always been there for me. At the same time, I would jump in head first if the roles were reversed. If only that were enough to soften this layer.

Next comes your close friends and family. You don’t expect them to be directly affected too much. You might need help getting some groceries or running an errand. You might need someone to lean on. Someone you trust. You have built a group of people in your life that mean so much to you.

In the beginning, your partner, your close friends, and your family… they will be there for you. Just as you suspect. But the next layer is the part of the onion that puts a tear in your eye. You are not crying at this point, but you wish this recipe of life didn’t need this onion. The people closest to you stop inviting you to events. They get upset with you because you canceled. Again. At first, they stop inviting you to the big trips that take early planning and funding. But it doesn’t end there.

The next layer brings more tears to your eyes. The people in your life start resenting you for your health issue. You have become unreliable and sporadic. You keep disappointing everyone because you just can’t do the thing. But how is it that you can get out and buy groceries if you are so incapacitated? How are you able to do some things but not others?

Over time, the friends and family start to resent you personally. They stop reaching out. They stop calling.

This whole time you are meeting with doctors. You are getting tests performed. Your health is declining. What is the next phase of this health issue? When do you start getting better?

That is when you get to the core of the onion. The people in your life have left. They gave up on you because you changed. You stopped prioritizing them. You stopped being the happy, shiny person you used to be. You look around to the darkness that surrounds. And why? You didn’t change. Your health changed you. That is your sin. That is why you get punished. Having health issues drives people away because they don’t want that touching their lives anymore. They want to go on being shiny, happy people. That is the core of the onion that makes the tears run down your face while you slice away your next steps.

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depression, emotions, Motivation

Intelligence

Posted on by Zander Maverick

It is not every day that I discover something new about my mental health. After many decades, I am shocked that something new is energizing me. But let’s start at the beginning.

I have been in a funk for a few years now. There were good days and bad days. Drunk days and sober days. Solitary days and day with friends and family. The first part of the story is not going to be anything new. My discovery started with a visit from an old friend. We met up at one of our usual hangouts with some other friends. We did not stay long, maybe two hours at most. Nothing extraordinary happened during this visit. The next day, however, I was in a better mood. My darkness had dimmed a little and I had more motivation.

Now, we all know that people with my disability have good days. I can have high motivation days or high positivity days. Waking up to this feeling was not completely out of the blue.

Fast forward a week. I had another visitor from out of town. We took the ferry over to San Francisco. We ate at the ferry building. I even tried the fish and chips (they were really good). We walked in the sun and stopped whenever I needed a rest. No judgement. No commentary. I would just say something along the lines of this spot is a great place to relax on a sunny day.My visitor also has chronic diseases and knew I was in pain and needed to rest, but did not show sympathy or make remarks about it. We just sat down and kept talking.

The next day I felt amazing. My brain was kicking into overdrive. My motivation spiked. My happiness levels increased. Even though the week between these two visits were full of pain, stumbling, visits to the doctor, and blood tests. I woke up the next day better. More powerful.

Two different visitors. Two different days. Two different experiences. The same result. What was going on? I spent that day pondering this. Were there any similarities to these two visits? They both required me to be outdoors and the weather was beautiful. But I know that being outdoors in the sunlight can help, even if my brain won’t allow me to do it.

That is when it hit me. During both visits, my brain was engaged in stimulating conversations. Not the standard conversations about a movie, a show, or what we did that day. This was not a conversation relaying how our day went. These were not the engaging conversations that I have at work. We talked about life. We talked about the world. We talked about health, disabilities, and emerging treatments. Our conversations included discussing things that required me to be fully present and attentive. I was not half distracted by my phone or the world around me. I was actively engaging in conversations. I was engaging with people that were living their lives and interacting fully. I was having intelligent conversations with people in person. I was living my life outside of work, home, and my health. That is what I discovered. What seemed like basic interactions was in fact medicine that I needed to fight back the depression, the mind fog, everything. That is an amazing discovery. Now let’s see what I can do with that.

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