depression, emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Hole

Back before the internet, well before the world wide web maybe, I spent years looking for a song by Cyndi Lauper. The song was from Vibes. If you haven’t seen that movie, stop, drop, and roll that video.

This hole in my heart that goes all the way to China…

I sometimes feel as if something is missing inside of me. Like a hole within me. I know that it’s my depression messing with my head, but I’m always trying to fill that hole. Usually with alcohol and loud music and wild times. Sometimes, though, I find a passion that fills that hole, even if only for a short period.

2020 has been a devastating year. So many people have lost their lives, their jobs, their homes, their livelihoods. It’s too depressing to try and wrap my brain around the amount of loss and misery that has occurred this year.

But for me, not so much. I changed jobs this year and not a month too soon. I got promoted at this job that I was only at for 8 months. I have an amazing husband that is always near me, making sure I stay on my feet. I learned how to cook this year. Not boxed foods or frozen foods; I legit learned how to cook.

So many horrible things have happened to almost everyone, but I’ve had a good year overall. Now, though, that hole is back. I’m getting lost looking for a way to fill that hole. Did 2020 finally do me in or am I just feeling guilty and letting my empathy take the pain of others?

I don’t know. I wish I did. I do know that something needs to change. I need a spark, a light, a flame, a new year. Something. Luckily, I have the support system I need to fall on my face and get back up again. I know that I can get back up again and that is an amazing feeling. Now if only I could skip this hole in my heart.

depression

Wrong

Do you ever open up to someone and get rejected? It’s more than hard. It can terrorize you for years. Being seen as wrong is hard. You have to learn to get past that. Not everyone can understand you and your worth.

My brain doesn’t work like other people. That applies to daytime and the night. It takes a lot for me to open up. Very few people get this privilege. Most of them aren’t here.

Anxiety and depression control so many more things than my mood or happiness. My ideas of right and wrong,; my ideas of happy and sad; my ideas of sex and love; it’s all controlled. I’m different. I’m wrong.

The gay community is so very “diverse” and “open”. Anything goes. Well, as long as you fit the role. Tops are hung and bottoms are whores. That’s the story. That’s the role. Don’t try to add dimension to those roles. Don’t try to think. You’ll be wrong.

I’m wrong. I am very wrong. And it tears my heart and soul into pieces every time someone tells me.