depression, emotions, Motivation

Crying

Posted on by Zander Maverick

My brain is being awful today. It won’t let up. It won’t stop attacking. I’m frustrated and now I’m in my cubicle crying.

It’s not a full on bawling, mascara running kind of cry. It’s more like a silent, avoiding a serial killer and staying quiet, kind of cry.

I know I can go home, but my brain tells me that I’m a failure if I do. There are so many people that would love to have the option to be working right now, to get out of the house. My brain tells me that this emotional state is my own making and I need to suffer.

I don’t have a fun song in my head today. I need one, though. I need something to loop constantly to distract me. I guess I’ll search for fun songs for pandemics or something.

Anyway, I’m having a rough day, but depression lies. I know that in my heart. I know that in my bones. I just wish I could remember it right now. Depression lies and I’m hanging tough.

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Uncategorized

Armor

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I’m starting to see cracks in my armor. When this pandemic started, I was more than happy to stay home. For months I have been going to work and staying home with very little contact with others.

Recently I have noticed that it’s getting harder to leave the house. It’s harder to plan outings again. I spent years breaking out of this type of confinement. Now it seems I’m heading back.

I’m also drinking more. I’m watching the levels of my bottles go down quickly. I’m drinking during the week when I work from home the next day.

My armor is cracking and I’m not sure what to do. I can’t go back to being that person that barely functions. I don’t want to go back to daily anxiety or panic attacks. I don’t want to go back to having a plan in place for a quick escape, knowing my brain will forcing me to flee.

I need to start pushing myself again. It’s rough, but I need it. I need to force myself to go outside and wander. I need to go to a store. I need to fix my armor before it fails me completely.

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Rise-up

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I’m an empath. I try to feel the world from the perspective of other people. I try to view the world as they would. This doesn’t always work. While my experiences may be similar or slightly in the same realm of reality, it isn’t always the same. This is dangerous because more often than not I can get close to understanding.

When I’m not close, however, I am a world away from the other person’s experience. It’s hard to understand and empathize with someone when you live in different worlds.

My heart is pure as the sex driven snow. My natural instinct is to understand and empathize with you. Just know that I am not always close or on the same path

Just know, that when you are close to me, I will rise up. I’ll try to understand. I’ll light the fireworks for the world to see. I’ll move mountains. But I may not always be right.

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emotions, Uncategorized

Neener

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Every now and then a word or phrase comes along that tosses me back through time. Whether that is an old nickname, a phrase from an era long past, or a jeer, the reaction of my brain to be back in that moment is startling.

I was teased and tormented as a child and a teenager. If that surprises you, please read my blog. Especially the name of it. When kids would make fun of me they would say “neener neener, *name* is a weiner”. Or “neener neener, you’re a peener.

These aren’t highly creative. They aren’t overly insulting either. I find it interesting that a woman that grew up thousands of miles away from me knows the word “neener”. That word just haunts every soul in my body. My cells react like an electric shock has been received. My brain cringes.

Most people have words that transport them through time. What are yours?

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depression, Song Lyrics

Expectations

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I grew up in a small town. I was different, obviously, but there are many reasons. I fell asleep in math classes and woke up to explain what the teacher was lecturing about for the previous 45 minutes. I was going to be smart.

I loved to read books. From the time I could handle a story, I loved to read. I was going to be smart.

I loved science. I loved drama. I loved school. I loved math. I had so many expectations for myself, but I had more for those around me.

I don’t have high expectations of you. Not like I do for me. I do, however, have limits and a baseline. I can live without you.

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depression, emotions

Secrets

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all have secrets. We all have thoughts and pasts that we don’t want to think about. Most of us have tiny secrets that fit in a small box in the corner. Some of us have secrets that are sharp. Razor sharp.

I stumbled across the secret of someone close to me. A close friend, I should say, and I have a thought. If you find something or hear something, stop to think before you ask questions. Will the answer to those questions help you or forward you?

I’m not a fan of the ostrich theory of sticking our head in the sand, but I am also learning  that I’m not a fan of being the Nancy Drew. I want the truth, but I don’t always want to understand the truth.

My hair is naturally darker. My eyes aren’t green. My nails aren’t really this long. I’m not this tall without heels. Your hideous outfit is fabulous. That baby is beautiful.

We have white lies. We have truths. We have lies. We have secrets. We have consequences.

Where do we draw the line? How do we decide what is acceptable? Does this lie help people?

The lines are tearing me apart. I want to go back to the days when people were understandable and readable.

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depression, emotions

Middleton

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I’m a city guy, but sometimes I wish I could settle down in a small town like Star’s Hallow or Middleton. A place where things run slowly and you know your neighbors. But, I’m gay. It’s not that easy.

People like me need to live in big cities. I’m accepted here. I don’t have to know anyone or get along with anyone. I can just be. I can fit in while not concerning myself about others.

Living in a small town means fitting in. It means having everyone know you and like you. Not everyone likes me. Hell, my friends don’t like me some days. But yet, it still get this warm feeling in my heart when I watch Gilmore Girls or Good Witch. That small town life makes me yearn.

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emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Acquaintance

Posted on by Zander Maverick

This is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody’s office
I’ll talk but you won’t listen to me
I know what your answer will be
I know you don’t love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don’t know what happened to our love
Today’s the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalize the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody’s office
I’ll talk but you won’t listen to me
I know your answer already
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody’s office
I’ll talk but you won’t listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

 

SINEAD O’CONNOR
“The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance”

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depression, emotions, Uncategorized

Hysteria

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I understand that different situations affect people differently. I get it. I enjoy being at home watching movies or playing games on my phone. I generally have to talk myself into going out into the world to see people and be social.

I understand that the country is in disrepair right. I understand that the equal rights of many of us are at stake in this upcoming election. We need to reverse the destruction of our resources; the chipping away at civil rights; we need to rebuild our allies.

I also understand that I need to take care of me. The mass hysteria that is all around me is causing me to become hysterical. We don’t live in an either/or country. We live in a country of possibilities and freedoms. We can choose to move forward without going full speed ahead. We can slow down without coming to a complete stop. We can talk without agreeing.

I have been pulling away from some of my social media, zoom calls, texts, and phone calls. I’m not withdrawing into my inner world of depression like I used to. I’m walking away from a brawl that no one is going to win. I’m walking away from a circus where everyone is a performer and no one is in the audience. No one is watching or listening. No one.

I miss my friends and my social activities, but I won’t give up myself or allow myself to get into that brawl or circus. I’m going to sit down with my thoughts for a bit to see where I am and where I am going, but I’m not gone.

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Uncategorized

Captive

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Dear Internet,

I am your captive audience. As I stay in bed with nothing to do, bored of my games, and eyes hurting from my books, I only have you. What do you have for me today? Has that changed in the last hour? Five minutes have passed and I haven’t found anything new.

I would break up with you, but you are all that is left. As my life fades around me, the world swirls away, I am lost in your embrace. I can’t tell if I need you or you need me, but we are captives in this time.

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