We need to have a balance in our life. This includes our friends and our family. Too much negativity or drama can be uncomfortable. At the same time, too much positivity and success can also be uncomfortable.

People aren’t perfect. I’m not. You’re not (unless you are Jensen Ackles). 

We have to put the people in our lives on a scale. We have to ask. When someone is dragging negativity into our lives, we can’t just drop them. We have to balance them. Does the happiness and positivity outweigh the negative?

We are all struggling. We need to stop expecting perfection from each other. We need to take a breath and think about why we are upset by something or someone. Are we sensitive? Are we triggered?

You are my rock.

We say this about people that keep us grounded. We say this about people that keep us on track. We say this. But. What happens when the rock crumbles?

What happens when everyone that is your “rock” has started to crumble and break. When you are the only one still fumbling around in a world without knowing. When your foundation starts to fall without notice.

How do you recover knowing that your support beams are warped, broken, and failing? How do you move on without unconsciously blaming them for not helping?

My father died. The people that helped me recover from that are dying from the same fucking shit. How do I not blame myself for that?

People are born into their circumstances. They are created by the greater good. We do not have the same chances though. We do not have the same allowances.

I am gay.

That should be enough for you to understand the struggles that I have been through over my life, but it is not. The kids these days do not understand my struggles. The straights do not understand the loss of opportunities.

No one understands the pain of having your entire future destroyed because some people do are uncomfortable with men having sex with men.

Fucked.

I was an intelligent child. I was odd and an outsider. I stood up for me and my people when I could. I was never enough. Most people from then do not even remember me.

A cute guy was nice to me when I was 19. I couldn’t understand why. Did he think I was intelligent? Did he love me? Did he want the sex with me? Did he treat me nicely because of the people I knew?

Fucked.

I guess the biggest lesson from those days is that if they don’t ask, we shouldn’t tell them.

Fucked.

You know I love my one word headlines, but I am a little needy tonight.

Dear reader. I am sorry that you met me. I have a curse that is running rampant through my body and my life. You, I fear, are next.

I need to give you some lyrics before I get too serious. I mean, I’m not a monster.

Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you
I drink too much and that’s an issue, but I’m okay
Hey, you tell your friends it was nice to meet them
But I hope I never see them again

I know it breaks your heart
Moved to the city in a broke-down car…

I know that this song is meant to be fun, but it is true. I was fine before I met you. All of you. Any of you. I was broken then and I am broken now. Knowing you hasn’t change anything

Now, I hear you. Take a breath. I am not saying you haven’t been an amazing part of my life. We have fun. We have love. We have all of those great feelings that normal people are supposed to have. But. One thing. Just a little bitty thing.

Do you know where I am going?

I am tired. I am so tired. I love you. I love my people. But, I’m tired. I am not able to take the strain of everybody’s life and love and hell. I am a finite being that needs to rest and recover from you and yours.

What’s in your head? There is tiredness and distress in mine. I love some people, but right now, death becomes me.

Today’s word of the day is mirage. My control over my depression seems to be a mirage, meaning an illusion that provides comfort of a sort.