Category: emotions

depression, emotions

Whispers

Posted on by Zander Maverick

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide

There is a whispering in my head tonight. It was a hard day. So many things went wrong. So much bad shit. My brain just wants to shut down and move one.

Don’t fall for that. DO NOT FALL FOR THAT.

Like the song said, I had a bad day. That is it. Nothing more. My brain is whispering otherwise. My brain is convincing me that this world is just not worth my time. I am too precious to be held down by the chaos of this country. This world.

After 40 plus years, I am getting better at realizing when the whispers are in my head. The bad voices. The Whispers. I was struggling today. I just wanted to give up and give up with finality. But you know what? My cat had other plans. She slapped me a few times and forced some cuddling. Not sure how that fits into the personal space thing, but she did. I did. We did. But the whispers are still there. The volume is lower, but the whispers are always there. It just takes one moment. One incident.

There is an old saying that criminals have to be lucky every day. Every time. But the authorities only need to be lucky once. The same thing can be said about the Whispers. I can successfully beat them every day, but it only takes one time for me to fail. Thankfully, I have support. But sometimes, that just isn’t’ enough.

Dear Reader. I am not trying to scare you or beg for attention. If you are reading this, I survived the most recent episode of The Whispering. You are also loved enough to know my inner crazy. You are a friend. A friend indeed.

Do not worry about me today. The Whispers have passed and I am back on Hallmark movies. But that was the most difficult encounter that I have had in awhile.

I love you. I don’t need a reason. I love you. Be good. Be happy. Be loud.

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emotions

Unlocked

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have a familiar. She’s technically a cat. Well, a bratty cat, but still a cat. She loves to be around me and curl up with me. She loves to lightly wrap her tail around my leg to make sure I know that she loves me.

Over the past couple of months, I have allowed Leia to join me on the balcony. She loves the birds and the squirrels, but I watched her every moment. Any time that she seem over stimulated, I would call her name and she would look at me, lay down, and relax.

Yesterday, everything changed. Yesterday, I was distracted by stress and frustration. I did not see her shake her booty and she coiled up to attack. I did not see the bird that flew inches from me. But Leia, she saw that bird. Her instincts took over and she pounced. But, there was no ground for her to land on. She jumped six feet into the air and fell three stories to the garage area.

In the moments following, everything changed. I did not have arthritis. My joint and muscle pains were gone. There was only Leia, hurt, scared, and lost in an unsafe world. I truly believe I could have picked up a car if she was trapped.

I don’t really know what happened next in detail. I screamed my husbands name. I sprinted into the apartment. I found footwear on my way. I ran out of the apartment and down two flights of stairs in two, maybe three seconds. I walked over to her, my heart breaking as she scrambled to get over the wall. She didn’t recognize me.

I stormed over and grabbed her by the scruff of her neck. I yanked her off of the fence and walked toward the stairs. I made it up one flight of stairs before my husband appeared. He took her from me, curled her against his chest, and led us both back to the apartment. In that moment, seeing her safe and in my husbands arms, I cracked. I held myself together as I walked in front of him, unlocking and opening the doors.

Once I sat down on the couch… I broke. My tears filled oceans. My heart broke and healed and broke again. For two days she avoided me. But in the end, we met back together and I fell asleep on the couch with her sleeping on my legs. And the world was better once again.

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Stop

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all know the old saying about stopping to smell the roses. The idea is to stop rushing from place to place and focus on what is around us. The beauty in the rose or the tree. The pleasure of a meal at the local restaurant. Spending time with people even if you don’t do anything. 

I have always felt connected to nature. I struggle with this because the rural areas with most of the nature are either unfriendly to gay men or downright hostile. So I bounce from city to city to city. We have our little parks. We plant trees along the road. But it isn’t the same. 

I am trying to get better at enjoying what I have around me. I am trying to block out the noise. I just worry that this “noise” in our country is going to lead to very serious consequences for us. 

There is beauty in that rose along your path, but only if the noise doesn’t destroy you and your path while you are not watching.

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depression, emotions

Bridges

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Bridges are so ironic. They help to get people from here to there. They cover gaps in pathways. They open up to be more accessible. Bridges are so versatile in their builds.

But bridges also lead to death and destruction. Bridges do no discriminate. Mental health does not discriminate. When you jump off that bridge, the landing spot will not discriminate.

#hashtag #darkturn

How are we supposed to know when our friends or family are suicidal? Do they have a meter on their forehead that shows the level of shit they can no longer deal with? Do they start acting like the world is full of crap and nothing matters? Or do they just welcome what the bridge can bring them?

Suicide is a scary thought for those with normal brains. For others, it’s like breathing. It just happens on a regular basis. I do not really know what people expect from suicidal people though. Do you think they will hop on Facebook and say “Hey! Sunday Fun Day! I am going to jump off the bridge this afternoon, but does anyone want to grab brunch first?”

Death is bitch this way. Depression is a bitch this way. Life is a bitch this way.

#CheckOnYourFriends #MoreOften

*note: I am fine

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depression, emotions, Motivation, Song Lyrics

Tennesse

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all have a journey in front of us. We can take that journey or stay home. We have a choice but not always the tools needed to join the journey. I am thankful that I could go on my journey to California.

#lyrics

I’m up and jaws are on the floor
Lovers in the bathroom and a line outside the door
Blacklights and a mirrored disco ball
Every night’s another reason why I left it all

I thank my wicked dreams
A year from Tennessee
Oh, Santa Monica
You’ve been too good to me
Won’t make my mama proud
It’s gonna cause a scene
She sees her baby girl
I know she’s gonna scream

God, what have you done
You’re a pink pony girl
And you dance at the club
Oh mama, I’m just having fun
On the stage in my heels
It’s where I belong down at the
Pink Pony club

*via Pink Pony Club, Chappell Roan

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depression, emotions

PhysicalPsychiatry

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have decided to invent a new type of therapy. Physical Psychiatry. I so often need to curl up in a ball and let the world move around me without me involved. But, what if I could go to a therapist and curl up into a physical ball and they massage my head and neck. And then they ease all of the muscles that are tightened up while telling me that I matter and I am a good person that adds to the best of humanity.

I need a therapist to acknowledge what I am going through as well as what I went through. But this is both a mental and physical issue. I am happy that someone solved my brain issues for a hot minute or my knots for a bit.

And hear me out here. What if someone could work the physical stress along with the mental stress? I need a therapist that can be the big spoon to my cuddles while dealing with my mental issues. Treat my mental and physical depression.

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depression, emotions

Tap

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Tap. Tap.

The sound of tapping can be so loud and irritating or almost impossible to hear.

The sound of a demon tapping on your soul is painful and screeching. The sound of the kitty tapping on your arm to get scritches is ever so quiet. The sound of me tapping out is but a whisper.

Being gay has defined me and my life since I was a child. I was teased as a child. I was bullied in school. I was fired from jobs. I had cars drive by me throwing beer bottles at me while calling me a faggot. I was discharged from the nuclear engineering program in the United States Navy even though I had one of the highest scores. I was disowned and unfriended.

After 40 plus years, the world still sees me as a faggot. And now, the gay community sees me as an old, fat queen. I am tired. I am so very tired of fighting for everyone and everything.

The country has made a major decision and I am not wanted. I get that so I am tapping out. I will curl up with a good book in California and enjoy solitary life with my husband. I will watch the country and the world fall apart and maybe even burn. I have ten years before I get to retire to and tell this country to suck my faggoty dick. I hate that word, like I am some kind of cigarette to be smoked. But there it is from my lips finally.

Tap. Tap.

That is the sound of me tapping out. It is someone else’s turn to fight for marriage rights when the Supreme Court overturns the law. It is someone else’s turn to fight for the right to be in the military. It is someone else’s turn.

Tap.

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anxiety, depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Life

Posted on by Zander Maverick

For those of you in the world that do not know me, my first concert was Slippery When Wet. Does that change your view of me?

Like Frankie said, I did it my way

It’s my life. Tomorrow’s getting harder, make no mistake
Luck ain’t enough, you’ve got to make your own breaks

You better stand tall when they’re calling you out
Don’t bend, don’t break, baby, don’t back down

#bonjovi #itsmylife

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depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Young

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Just like my ex, the term young has so many beautiful memories. The 90s. The 2000s. The single years. My love. Cheers to our previous lives. Our old selves. Our histories.

I know I used to be crazy
I know I used to be fun
You say I used to be wild
I say I used to be young

You tell me time has done changed me
That’s fine, I’ve had a good run
I know I used to be crazy
That’s ’cause I used to be young

Take one, pour it out
It’s not worth crying ’bout the things you can’t erase
Like tattoos and regrets
Words I never meant and ones that got away

Left my living fast somewhere in the past
And took another road
Turns out crowded rooms empty out as soon
There’s somewhere else to go, oh

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depression, emotions, Motivation

Vision

Posted on by Zander Maverick

There are so many things that we take for granted in life. My vision has been bad for most of my life. I started wearing glasses in the 7th grade. I think I was 11 at the time. Of course I was teased by the other kids. I tried to pretend they weren’t real glasses. They were just a disguise!

Over the last 40+ years, that stigmatism about wearing glasses faded to basically nothing. People wear glasses. I wear glasses. It was just one of those things.

People that don’t wear glasses do no realize how different it can be with glasses. Sometimes I have to take them off because I am spending too much time reading small print. Some times I have to take them off because the sun is too bright and the glasses make it worse.

What does this have to do with Depression? Not much I guess. Except it does. Every little disadvantage that you have is a weapon that Depression can use against you. Like, bitch, you can even see. How successful are you going to be when the world is ending and you can’t find your damn glasses?

Well, I am here to say that I won’t be needing my glasses much longer. That will be one less bullet that Depression has for me.

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