Category: anxiety

anxiety, depression

Battles

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have battles going on in my mind and body. Today I want to talk about the one affecting me the most. I have arthritis in my hips. One of the best ways to treat this is to become more active and lose weight. That might be fine and dandy for most people, but my depression doesn’t like to be active. My depression wants me in bed or on the couch. Out of the sun. 

A great way to help reduce the depression in my head is to get outside in the sun. Be active. Be engaging. But the arthritis in my feet and hips makes that more difficult. 

Now for the fun part. There is a liquid that I can consume to help reduce the depression and the pain from the arthritis in the short term. But it makes them both worse in the long term. The wonders of alcohol. 

Would this be a catch-22? A catch-33?

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anxiety, depression

Focusing

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Why do I always get stuck focusing on the bad things people do? I get stuck on the rude person or the obnoxious person. Why can’t I see the good that people do? Focus on the person that picked up the item that another person dropped.

I know that a large part of my mental stress is because I tend to get stuck in a loop with the negativity around me. My mind would be a better place if I could train it to seek out and focus on the good in the world. That doesn’t mean turning a blind eye to the evils in this country. That doesn’t mean that I ignore what is wrong. But I really need to get to a point where the stories that are repeating in my head are the good stories. The positive things that people do.

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anxiety, depression, Motivation

Outdoors

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I love being outdoors. I love the peace of being outside of buildings and all the energy they have inside. The breeze can take away bad thoughts and bad vibes. The sun can heal your soul while energizing your mind. The birds in the distance provide a slight distraction for your brain to ensure you don’t get too focused on anything. The scent of spring nourishes the mind. 

Being outdoors is healthy and healing. I need to take advantage of the many parks that I have in my area. I can go for walks or just sit and zone. I could bring a picnic with me.

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Stop

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all know the old saying about stopping to smell the roses. The idea is to stop rushing from place to place and focus on what is around us. The beauty in the rose or the tree. The pleasure of a meal at the local restaurant. Spending time with people even if you don’t do anything. 

I have always felt connected to nature. I struggle with this because the rural areas with most of the nature are either unfriendly to gay men or downright hostile. So I bounce from city to city to city. We have our little parks. We plant trees along the road. But it isn’t the same. 

I am trying to get better at enjoying what I have around me. I am trying to block out the noise. I just worry that this “noise” in our country is going to lead to very serious consequences for us. 

There is beauty in that rose along your path, but only if the noise doesn’t destroy you and your path while you are not watching.

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anxiety, depression

Security

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Safety or Security? Which do you choose? I feel secure that California will protect my human rights. I feel secure that I won’t lose the right to be married to my husband. But I don’t feel safe in Oakland anymore. I don’t feel safe in most of the Bay Area anymore. I am not comfortable riding my bike to the store because I know in the 15 minutes that I am in the store, my bike will get stolen. 

I am visiting my family in Indianapolis this week. I forget how wholesome and safe this place feels. I can sit on the front porch and say high to people walking by. I can walk around at night. I can leave things in my car. But I am not secure here. When the Supreme Court overturns the right to marriage equality, I won’t have my legal marriage anymore.  

I miss having a large home. I miss having a yard and a front porch to sit on. I don’t miss the winters, but I do miss thunderstorms. I miss the openness but not having to rely on a car to get anywhere. (I had to drive 5 miles to get a cup of coffee that wasn’t from a gas station).

My heart hurts. My mind is healing. My soul is comforted. Maybe I just needed to visit again. Maybe living here isn’t the answer. I need a new home. I need a safe space. I need security. Where do I find that?

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anxiety, depression

2024

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have learned a lot on my trip to Las Vegas for Christmas 2024. I live in a safe bubble within the United States. A safe haven for those in need. A safe haven with possibilities and hope and love.

Las Vegas was filled with trump supporters. I could feel the aura of ignorance, hopelessness, hatred, and anger. Everything that he has built is destroying not only this country, but Christianity itself within the United States.

Love thy neighbor. Peacefully bring people together instead of forcing religion on everyone. If Jesus is real, he needs to come back. People are destroying this world in his name. He needs to remove the false prophets and followers. Maybe his father needs to wipe the world clean again.

It is so laughable that the people that wear their religion on their sleeves are most likely to be the least christ-like.

I will not be spending much time in trump states. I am not mentally strong enough to handle that much hate, ignorance, and hopelessness.

Jesus Christ would never support Donald Trump. He would condemn him for his rhetoric. His hate. His anger. We need to be more like Jesus Christ and less like MAGA.

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anxiety, depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Life

Posted on by Zander Maverick

For those of you in the world that do not know me, my first concert was Slippery When Wet. Does that change your view of me?

Like Frankie said, I did it my way

It’s my life. Tomorrow’s getting harder, make no mistake
Luck ain’t enough, you’ve got to make your own breaks

You better stand tall when they’re calling you out
Don’t bend, don’t break, baby, don’t back down

#bonjovi #itsmylife

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Fault

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Yes. It’s my fault.

Does that give you cover? Does your conscience feel better? Are your loved ones relieved?

It is absolutely my fault that you did that shot. It is my fault that you had another drink, that, let’s be honest, you probably didn’t need. It’s my fault that you stayed out past 8pm. That wine tasting? Yep. My fault.

For most of my life, my name has been Aleczander Lourd Maverick and I have been the cause of your fun, your happiness, your regrets, your marital issues, your bathroom experiences. Yes. I am that Aleczander Lourd Maverick.

I am a god of mischief and drinking and sex in the bathroom and lost music and marital disputes and Stephen King. I am. Whatever you need to tell yourself, I am. Just know that as my friend, I support you. I love you. But I am not making your decisions.

My name is Aleczander Lourd Maverick and I approve this message.

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anxiety, depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Death

Posted on by Zander Maverick

As I lay here dying from the plague, I wonder. How do we know when we die? Do we get a little tap on the should? Does something scurry up and tell us that we need to stop and move on? Are there lights or flowers or rages or even storms?

Death is a many sided sword with more meanings than we can think of together. The word death can be rearranged to be The Ad or Hated. Well, what if I just hated the ad that played? Is that death?

As I lay here with my foot on fire, screaming in pain, I wonder. Did my life choices bring me to this point? Was I supposed to be here or did I drag myself here by the ear? Doctors like to tell us that we are what we eat or something. But, now hear me out, what if a fairy or sprite decided to change my fate and bit my foot. Was that always meant to be or was that a course correction?

Fate, like Death, is a many sided sword. We can debate fate all day and never dig past the outer core of the meaning.

As I sit here in my chair writing this, I need you to tell me why. This isn’t nothing but a heartache to try and figure out. As I sit here in my chair, my lungs full of plague, my sinus stuffed with blackness, my foot larger than life and twice as sore, I wonder. How do we know when we die?

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anxiety, depression, emotions

Toxicity

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have been using the word toxicity a lot lately. It’s a funny word, though. Webster’s defines toxicity as the quality, state, or relative degree of being poisonous. While some things are eternally toxic, like nuclear waste, other things are in various degrees of temporary toxic stages.

As an example, let me expose myself for a moment. When things are going rough or my Depression is worse than normal, I can be toxic to be around. When this occurs, I expect my friends and family to put their own well being first. There will be some that have extra reserves that can help me out, but there will be others that are struggling with their own lives. There is never an expectation that anyone and everyone can help me during these times.

When people are toxic, we are usually in degrees or waves of toxicity. While I may be toxic to one person at one point in time, that doesn’t imply that I will always be toxic to them or that I am toxic to everyone. Humans are adaptive that way.

If someone in your life is making you feel bad about yourself or just in general, walk away. For a day, a week, or however long it takes. We have to be our own champions first because we cannot help others when we are struggling ourselves.

This year has been a struggle for me. Life is coming fast and furious. Old anxieties are rising up again. Friendships are being tested. The world is at war with itself. This country went from slowly imploding to rapidly tearing itself apart. We should expect that people are struggling as well.

I have been making the mistake of telling people when I remove others from orbit for being toxic. I do not mean that the person should be avoided by everyone or that I wish them ill. I just mean that at the moment in time that I feel that, the person is toxic to me for one reason or another. In some cases, this can be a friend or acquaintance that I need to avoid for a period of time. It is rare that I need to permanently cut times with someone or some place.

Toxicity is the quality, state, or relative degree of being poisonous at that moment in time.

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