Tag: depression

depression

Supportive

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We often think that our close friends and our family are automatically out support group. We assume that when push comes to shove, when the cards are down, they will be there for us.  

Let me stop here. You have been duped.  

People love you for what you can do for them. They don’t need you. They don’t want to deal with you when it becomes difficult.  

I live with major depressive disorder. I don’t have a choice. It is there. People in my support circle are great at supporting me, until my illness is inconvenient for them. At that point, I become a burden. An unnecessary burden. 

I am not going to tip toe around people anymore. I am here. This is me. If I am too much, walk away. Don’t fuck with my time and limited mental energy.  

I am exhausted and I don’t think I have a support group anymore. Am I needy for wanting people to understand what my brain and body are going through? 

Supportless in Oakland.   

1
anxiety, depression

Battles

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have battles going on in my mind and body. Today I want to talk about the one affecting me the most. I have arthritis in my hips. One of the best ways to treat this is to become more active and lose weight. That might be fine and dandy for most people, but my depression doesn’t like to be active. My depression wants me in bed or on the couch. Out of the sun. 

A great way to help reduce the depression in my head is to get outside in the sun. Be active. Be engaging. But the arthritis in my feet and hips makes that more difficult. 

Now for the fun part. There is a liquid that I can consume to help reduce the depression and the pain from the arthritis in the short term. But it makes them both worse in the long term. The wonders of alcohol. 

Would this be a catch-22? A catch-33?

0
anxiety, depression

Focusing

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Why do I always get stuck focusing on the bad things people do? I get stuck on the rude person or the obnoxious person. Why can’t I see the good that people do? Focus on the person that picked up the item that another person dropped.

I know that a large part of my mental stress is because I tend to get stuck in a loop with the negativity around me. My mind would be a better place if I could train it to seek out and focus on the good in the world. That doesn’t mean turning a blind eye to the evils in this country. That doesn’t mean that I ignore what is wrong. But I really need to get to a point where the stories that are repeating in my head are the good stories. The positive things that people do.

0
anxiety, depression, emotions

Stop

Posted on by Zander Maverick

We all know the old saying about stopping to smell the roses. The idea is to stop rushing from place to place and focus on what is around us. The beauty in the rose or the tree. The pleasure of a meal at the local restaurant. Spending time with people even if you don’t do anything. 

I have always felt connected to nature. I struggle with this because the rural areas with most of the nature are either unfriendly to gay men or downright hostile. So I bounce from city to city to city. We have our little parks. We plant trees along the road. But it isn’t the same. 

I am trying to get better at enjoying what I have around me. I am trying to block out the noise. I just worry that this “noise” in our country is going to lead to very serious consequences for us. 

There is beauty in that rose along your path, but only if the noise doesn’t destroy you and your path while you are not watching.

0
Uncategorized

Tethers

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I don’t have a lot of tethers in this world. The lack of empathy drains me. The lack of civility hurts me. If I were not tethered to this world, I would have floated away so very long ago.

There are people out there that needs hundreds of tethers or even, in some cases, thousands of tethers. I am lucky enough to have incredible strong tethers, so I do not need as many. The only downside to that is losing one tether causes more damage to me.

This world is a crazy place. Companions come into our lives just to leave. But so does negativity. Tether yourself to your companions, not the negativity

1
depression, emotions

Bridges

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Bridges are so ironic. They help to get people from here to there. They cover gaps in pathways. They open up to be more accessible. Bridges are so versatile in their builds.

But bridges also lead to death and destruction. Bridges do no discriminate. Mental health does not discriminate. When you jump off that bridge, the landing spot will not discriminate.

#hashtag #darkturn

How are we supposed to know when our friends or family are suicidal? Do they have a meter on their forehead that shows the level of shit they can no longer deal with? Do they start acting like the world is full of crap and nothing matters? Or do they just welcome what the bridge can bring them?

Suicide is a scary thought for those with normal brains. For others, it’s like breathing. It just happens on a regular basis. I do not really know what people expect from suicidal people though. Do you think they will hop on Facebook and say “Hey! Sunday Fun Day! I am going to jump off the bridge this afternoon, but does anyone want to grab brunch first?”

Death is bitch this way. Depression is a bitch this way. Life is a bitch this way.

#CheckOnYourFriends #MoreOften

*note: I am fine

0
depression, emotions

PhysicalPsychiatry

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I have decided to invent a new type of therapy. Physical Psychiatry. I so often need to curl up in a ball and let the world move around me without me involved. But, what if I could go to a therapist and curl up into a physical ball and they massage my head and neck. And then they ease all of the muscles that are tightened up while telling me that I matter and I am a good person that adds to the best of humanity.

I need a therapist to acknowledge what I am going through as well as what I went through. But this is both a mental and physical issue. I am happy that someone solved my brain issues for a hot minute or my knots for a bit.

And hear me out here. What if someone could work the physical stress along with the mental stress? I need a therapist that can be the big spoon to my cuddles while dealing with my mental issues. Treat my mental and physical depression.

0
anxiety, depression, emotions

Fault

Posted on by Zander Maverick

Yes. It’s my fault.

Does that give you cover? Does your conscience feel better? Are your loved ones relieved?

It is absolutely my fault that you did that shot. It is my fault that you had another drink, that, let’s be honest, you probably didn’t need. It’s my fault that you stayed out past 8pm. That wine tasting? Yep. My fault.

For most of my life, my name has been Aleczander Lourd Maverick and I have been the cause of your fun, your happiness, your regrets, your marital issues, your bathroom experiences. Yes. I am that Aleczander Lourd Maverick.

I am a god of mischief and drinking and sex in the bathroom and lost music and marital disputes and Stephen King. I am. Whatever you need to tell yourself, I am. Just know that as my friend, I support you. I love you. But I am not making your decisions.

My name is Aleczander Lourd Maverick and I approve this message.

0
depression, emotions, Song Lyrics

Brave

Posted on by Zander Maverick

I was watching a new show and this song came on. It has a heartful tone with haunting lyrics. I love the part about being brave doesn’t always mean winning and moving on. Sometimes it means letting the darkness swallow you so that you can reemerge as a phoenix. A phoenix on fire.

… I am unfolding, I am not holding on
Shattered in pieces, I am the broken one
If you only knew the chaos inside my head
Wish that I could run but I’m just not ready yet

… Just let me hurt a little longer
I’m in a war with no armor
Need to cry an ocean before I’m stronger
Just let me hurt a little longer
Just let me hurt a little longer

… Don’t need a rescue, don’t want a lifeline
I need to crumble, cannot save me this time
Used to think that being brave just meant moving on
Now I sink into the pain until it’s all gonе

Let Me Hurt – Emily Rowed

0